Separation or give him another chance

LM2092 · 2025-10-09T10:19:47+00:00

Ok this isn’t my first post about this on Mumsnet and I know generally the feedback usually given but just feel I need an outlet to people that don’t know me and see what people’s thoughts are… Me and ex together for 11 years, 1 5 year old daughter. Split 8 weeks ago due to me finding him on FabSwingers 8 weeks messaging hundreds of women, claims never met anyone. The house we lived in was his, so I have left staying with my aunt. Daughter is sharing time, swapping every 2 days. She generally is happier being with Dad purely because she gets to stay in her own house, I suggested to him we switch who stays in the house based on who has her (he definitely could stay with his mum or friend), he said no. He doesn’t want to split, wants another chance to show he can change. A lot of other issues in the relationship, he generally went out every weekend drinking and a lot of the time would come in drunk with a bee in his bonnet and verbally be not very nice to me usually based around sex life. (This has gone on for years but got increasingly worse). Not all bad though, went on holiday as a family a lot, always out at the weekends doing family things, often done date nights together maybe once every few months, holiday alone together once a year. He says he did what he did because he was bored - but I think how?? We did a lot as I have mentioned, what else could be done to not be bored? I don’t like to go out and drink a lot, so if that’s his idea of it being better won’t happen as I’m not willing to do that. I think what’s the point trying to get back together because 1. All the issues will inevitably come back up and end up in the same position 2. Now added the fact he cheated and I have no trust 3. He wants me to move back home and he will sleep in spare room, I think this is confusing to our daughter and also is hard for me. But I just can’t feel 100% that I want to walk away, I’m maybe 85% - my head knows it’s right but my heart not so much. My question is, if you have been in this position did you feel 100% sure about leaving? I can’t help feel guilty that I am splitting up my daughters family (even though I know it’s because of his actions) any help appreciated (and if you made it this far reading this thank you as it is longggg)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2025 11:26

Follow your head, not your heart here. Let your head make the decision.

As if he never met anyone on Fabswingers either. The intent was there and why join if you are not going to do anything?. He must think you were born yesterday.

He has not changed at all and the same old problems will reappear if you are daft enough to move back in with him. Rebuild your life and that if your DDs without him in it day to day.

What do you want to teach your dd about relationships?. Show her also both positive and life affirming male and female role models.

vdolly · 09/10/2025 11:26

Why don’t you try going out on some family trips/dates first and see how you get on. See if you can discuss the cheating and drinking and how he responds to it. If you like his response then take it from there

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2025 11:29

And if there is now no trust there is really no relationship. Once trust is gone it’s both on impossible to get it back.

HE spilt up his family by his cheating and drinking behaviours. You did the right thing by removing you and your child from his house. I doubt very much he would have been at all forgiving of you if you had been on Fabswingers.

Nofencesitting · 09/10/2025 11:34

He will be a changed man until you move back in with him. Then he will revert to type OP.

In fact that he is refusing to go to his family so you can alternate who does the parenting while your dd stays in her own home shows what a selfish, self seeking man he is. His dd's welfare is less important to him than using it as leverage to make you cave in and return home.

If you go back to him it will be a green light to him that he can do just what he wants, with whoever he wants.

Tillow4ever · 09/10/2025 11:41

Are you married OP? If not, I’m guessing you are in a precarious position re the house. I don’t think you should give him another chance, but if you do, make one of the non-negotiables be that he either marries you or adds you the house deeds/mortgage. You need to start thinking about your financial future when he does it again (because he will - why wouldn’t he if you go back).

Honestly though, stick to your guns. Focus on finding a new place for you and your daughter - if she can choose how to decorate her new bedroom I’m sure that will help her settle at yours a little more too.

Good luck, you deserve better than a guy who wanted to cheat on you (and most likely did).

ForTipsyFinch · 09/10/2025 11:50

No. He sounds horrible.

Original poster

LM2092 · 09/10/2025 11:53

Thanks everyone. I think what makes it hard for me is I get so solid in my decision and speak with him and he tells me how much he loves me and how much he wants to fight for our family so it makes it really difficult.

It’s sad to say but I do still love him, always have. Have always just wanted him to love me and be happy with me. When he was happy we were so happy, when he decided he wasn’t happy we were miserable. And I am so deeply hurt by this situation and the way I have been treated over the years.

OP posts:

Meandmyguy · 09/10/2025 11:54

Fab swingers, no, I'd be telling him to fuck off.

Have you seen the state of the women on there and the verifications, then their verifications where they sleep with men and their verifications where they've been to sex parties.

Sleeping with another 500 people every time you shag him.

Fuuuuuuuck that op.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 09/10/2025 12:00

LM2092 · 09/10/2025 11:53

Thanks everyone. I think what makes it hard for me is I get so solid in my decision and speak with him and he tells me how much he loves me and how much he wants to fight for our family so it makes it really difficult.

It’s sad to say but I do still love him, always have. Have always just wanted him to love me and be happy with me. When he was happy we were so happy, when he decided he wasn’t happy we were miserable. And I am so deeply hurt by this situation and the way I have been treated over the years.

But words are cheap. He can tell you any amount of stuff, but do you FEEL he loves you? Do you actually hold out any hope for him changing - has he mentioned therapy or counselling? Or do you feel deep down that he just wants you to shuffle this under the carpet and carry on? How does he behave when you continually raise what he's done and the effect on you?

If you really can't decide what to do, why not live separately for a while and see how things go? Provided he gives you absolute transparency about who he talks to and what he does when you and/or your DD aren't there?

(I think you should leave but I realise it's hard when part of you wants to stay).

Original poster

LM2092 · 09/10/2025 12:05

Meandmyguy · 09/10/2025 11:54

Fab swingers, no, I'd be telling him to fuck off.

Have you seen the state of the women on there and the verifications, then their verifications where they sleep with men and their verifications where they've been to sex parties.

Sleeping with another 500 people every time you shag him.

Fuuuuuuuck that op.

I know I didn’t know how the site worked when I discovered it so didn’t know verifications were a thing and he of course deleted the account right away. And yes I have seen the state of the women on there, the messages as well to women verrrry different from me (older, larger etc - not to put these women down but I just find it strange that there doesn’t seem to be a type for attraction was more speaking to anyone and everyone? Madness to me)

OP posts:

Original poster

LM2092 · 09/10/2025 12:09

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 09/10/2025 12:00

But words are cheap. He can tell you any amount of stuff, but do you FEEL he loves you? Do you actually hold out any hope for him changing - has he mentioned therapy or counselling? Or do you feel deep down that he just wants you to shuffle this under the carpet and carry on? How does he behave when you continually raise what he's done and the effect on you?

If you really can't decide what to do, why not live separately for a while and see how things go? Provided he gives you absolute transparency about who he talks to and what he does when you and/or your DD aren't there?

(I think you should leave but I realise it's hard when part of you wants to stay).

Show quote history

We did go to 1 couples counselling session, and in that I just felt everything he said just showed me he wouldn’t change. Dwelling on ridiculous things (going on about he used to get annoyed when there was loads of washing even though he didn’t do a single thing around the house and I done everything including working a full time job), again going back to the sex life. To me our sex life (yeah in the past few months was dire) but actually wasn’t that bad , we had sex probably 1/2 times a week, yeah sometimes a week or so would go by without but surely that’s normal? He’s nearly 40 I’m early 30s both work full time busy jobs, I train a lot, always doing things with dd - surely we’re all tired here 😂 I just don’t think saying we should have sex 3/4 times a week works , it happens when it happens if it’s good when it happens and as long as you’re not going weeks and weeks on end without , surely that’s normal for an 11 year relationship? Maybe I’m wrong but I know from speaking with friends they probably have sex even less!

OP posts:

ForTipsyFinch · 09/10/2025 12:12

LM2092 · 09/10/2025 11:53

Thanks everyone. I think what makes it hard for me is I get so solid in my decision and speak with him and he tells me how much he loves me and how much he wants to fight for our family so it makes it really difficult.

It’s sad to say but I do still love him, always have. Have always just wanted him to love me and be happy with me. When he was happy we were so happy, when he decided he wasn’t happy we were miserable. And I am so deeply hurt by this situation and the way I have been treated over the years.

I’m sorry you’re hurting over it, but he’s expressing how he feels about you every time he devalues you, every time he makes you feel bad, every time he makes accounts on sex websites. I appreciate the he facts it hurts, but he isn’t suddenly going to have a personality transplant. This is who he is. Don’t spend your life tethered to a man who feels this way about you, only to regret it later. Don’t let him treat you like this for a second longer.

Meandmyguy · 09/10/2025 12:23

If you can get his phone, I'm sure you can just reinstate the account and everything will be there.

Best of luck op, but why let someone rip you off and risk your sexual health.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 09/10/2025 12:28

LM2092 · 09/10/2025 12:09

We did go to 1 couples counselling session, and in that I just felt everything he said just showed me he wouldn’t change. Dwelling on ridiculous things (going on about he used to get annoyed when there was loads of washing even though he didn’t do a single thing around the house and I done everything including working a full time job), again going back to the sex life. To me our sex life (yeah in the past few months was dire) but actually wasn’t that bad , we had sex probably 1/2 times a week, yeah sometimes a week or so would go by without but surely that’s normal? He’s nearly 40 I’m early 30s both work full time busy jobs, I train a lot, always doing things with dd - surely we’re all tired here 😂 I just don’t think saying we should have sex 3/4 times a week works , it happens when it happens if it’s good when it happens and as long as you’re not going weeks and weeks on end without , surely that’s normal for an 11 year relationship? Maybe I’m wrong but I know from speaking with friends they probably have sex even less!

Show quote history

This sounds as though he's entirely fixated on sex. Does nothing in the house but expects you to feel sexy about him perpetually?

Dump.

shropshire11 · 09/10/2025 12:40

Wanting to make your family work is honourable - it doesn't make you a mug.

Your partner says he wants to change, but it's obvious you have little faith in that - and for good reason. He's made a complete mess of counselling and now he is using your home and daughter as leverage.

If you are going to make this work then you need to find a way to really make him listen to you, to really listen to reason. He is clearly in defensive mode after having been discovered messaging other women. Together you need to move beyond his inability to listen and get to a really meaningful discussion where he commits to tangible change.

He needs to grow up, step into a true father role, support you in the household, and stop centring sex in all your discussions.

My advice would be for you to calmly write down exactly what you need to see from him, what absolute guarantees you need him to achieve, and to tell him that adhering permanently to these conditions is what it will take. At the same time, tell him the steps you will try and make to meet him half way - only in situations where it's appropriate.

ChristmasFluff · 09/10/2025 15:16

The relationship is already over, it's just a question of how long the death throes last.

He's a liar who is lying to you again now. He'll do it again if you take him back, 100%. He wasn't fighting for his relationship when he was setting up his Fabswingers account and 'feeling bored' was he?

You would be a fool to trust such an untrustworthy and disrespectful man (where was his respect for you in all this?) , so there will never be trust in the relationship, and ultimately, you WILL end it - or he'll run off with someone else.

Best to end it now rather than drag it out for years.