How do you deal with overly opinionated ‘friends’?

[Queenie678]

I (40F) am on maternity leave and became friendly with a close neighbour pre-pregnancy who ended up getting pregnant at a similar time, we now have sons a similar age.

I find hanging out with her so draining. She is so so negative, one of those people who will threaten ‘legal action’ on any business she has a conflict with to try and get compensation (even taking a previous employer to a tribunal about being treated unfairly), everything is someone else’s fault and never hers. It’s so boring to listen to when she’s the common factor in all of these situations. But I nod along and keep my mouth shut because it would be pointless trying to get her to see a different side of things.

She has strong and uniformed opinions on nearly everything, it’s exhausting. I once tried to offer a different view on something so minor and she got extremely defensive and just said ‘well that’s just your opinion’. - obviously her opinion is fact..

She makes sweeping generalised and uninformed statements. Just one example of many - we were talking about sperm donors and she stated that they are all weirdos because if you were ‘normal’ why would you be a sperm donor, and she would never want a loser dad for her baby. I am friends with a female same sex couple who used one to have a baby so I explained how they chose a donor based on profiles provided by the clinic. But she responded that they can easily just lie about themselves and there are no checks done. She doesn’t know this, she knows nothing about the process and I honestly felt pretty insulted for all the women in the world who have ever chosen to use a donor.

It’s quite sad that she has no close friends and problems with all her family. Of course it’s because of their behaviour and not anything she’s done, she’s always calm and reasonable with them… rolls eyes

I want an easy life and feel like I need to maintain some kind of ‘friendship’ because we live so close together and will see each other out and about often. It’s also nice for the children to play together, so they can socialise. I don’t have lots of friends nearby so it’s nice for a bit of company every so often (maybe this makes me sound desperate!).

So if anyone has any experience of these types of people and any coping strategies let me know?

Maybe it’s my age, but I don’t feel the need to have to “cope” with these types any more.
its not your responsibility that she has no friends is it? It all sounds tiring and you don’t need that. If you have to see her, keep it short .

Whether or not she’s lonely isn’t your problem. You don’t like her company, so just stop spending time with her because you can’t face the difficulties of extricating yourself.

Or argue every single under-informed point back, beginning with ‘You’re wrong because…’ and she’ll be the one to ditch you?

Just tell her your busy and stop spending time with her. I had a friend like this, drove everyone and anyone away with her opinions and she just gave me the rage.

You have three options really.

1. continue to nod along to avoid disagreement
2. voice your own opinion in these conversations
3. stop seeing your friend

I’m also on maternity leave and saw an NCT “friend” recently and found the conversation so stunted and awkward, I thought to myself I would rather have been there completely on my own. Though I don’t mind my own company at all!

could you join a local mum and baby group and meet other people through that?

Tbh, as I friend, I would go low to no contact. Unfortunately, I have a SIL like that and I'm not able to go no contact.

She's so opionated and judgemental. She's homophonic, but won't admit it. She's so gung ho in her beliefs that she thinks are facts and won't be told otherwise, it's thoroughly exhausting.

She would never be my choice of person to be a friend, but DB married her. She didn't present this personality in the beginning, because it's not something he would have gone for. He has confided in me that she can be difficult and unwilling to hear reason, which is very clear to see.

She has no self awareness or ability to reflect on her communication style.

My strategy? As I have to see her, is to stick to bland conversation like the weather, holiday destinations and other mundane stuff. When she says something I don't agree with, I either keep quiet, smile or just say "mmm" and leave it there. When I want to say certain things that I know she will have a strong opinion on, I wait till it's just my brother to talk and he knows why I do it.

I feel your pain, I really do.

Perhaps you shouldn't discount everything she says and watch this before you say any more about 'sperm donors'.

https://www.netflix.com/fr-en/title/81653509

Thank you so much for your speedy replies!

It does give me the rage sometimes honestly. I think you’re all right that it just needs to be low contact and in small doses, sticking to mundane topics of conversation. I am going back to work soon too so I think that will help.

@Shedmistress on that example, yes I watched that a while ago. Unbelievable that could happen! But in this conversation with her I had a problem with her total generalisation that ALL donors are weirdos and liars. Like literally all of them. Her inability to consider that some will be normal people wanting to help others in need. I like to have discussions about different topics but find it challenging when someone makes sweeping general statements they can’t possibly prove or have no direct experience of.

@SandyY2K that sounds so exhausting having to deal with a SIL like that. Having her at family gatherings must be tough. I’m so sorry your brother is having to live with her! Why do someone people lack so much self awareness that they don’t realise this is how they come across and make others feel uncomfortable???

Becoming friends with neighbours can be great but when it doesn’t work out it’s bloody awful. I can see why you want to keep things cordial as you’ll be seeing her around and especially as your children are friends.

I think you’re right that things will change when you return to work and won’t be as available. Don’t be surprised if she gets a bit resentful of your broadened horizons. She sounds the type who would.

Ive found a good way of dealing with someone who bangs on like that is to wait till they’ve finished airing their latest opinion, pause and change the subject. If they get irritated and do actually ask what I think, I just say I’ve never given it much thought or if more appropriate that I haven’t made my mind up about what I think about the subject.

They seldom have a lot of topics they want to air and the conversation returns to less contentious chat. Also it doesn’t take very long for them to realise there’s no point in trying for any more than basic chatting.

Thanks. It can be a nightmare with SIL tbh.

She thinks she's always right, but she spouts a load of nonsense. DB told her she can't hear herself and she threw a tantrum like a 2 year old.

You need to have some boundaries and cool the friendship, be less available. This sort of thing is exhausting, and it’s only a matter of time until she creates an issue with you. I couldn’t be dealing with this sort of drama at all, honestly.