Son had turned into a copy of his father and I’m lost as I do t know what to do ..

[howlongisit]

My 15 ye old son has become a carbon copy of his father and I don’t how to deal with him .

fo context, his father left when my son was nine and never had any bond with any of our kids but the main similarity is that I am and was always walking on egg shells around both of them.

my son can be loving and generous but he is also hypersensitive, aggressive and says terribly nasty things to all of us.
he has separation anxiety although this has improved a lot . He likes to control my whereabouts and actions and knowing w all family business. I do understand the root of this.

I’ve realised that he really had become his carbon copy! His dad never had much interest in being a father and doesn’t have an bond with any of his children per se , so I’m unsettled. My son Perceives so much casual chat as insulting, offensive and ‘mean’ and loses the head. Exactly as his dad did….

I literally have to watch every word or he will absolutely explode in temper, anger and his words are just awful. He recently told me for example that I needed to examine why every man had left me and why no one actively wants me including my other children . I do have a great relationship with the others which galls him. He is right about not being pursued by anyone and the men in my life have all left to e father/ brother dies and husband : ex partner left me

He has point blank refused family therapy and therapy for both of us and all the different interventions he entered into were futile as he did not engage . It was as if he felt that if he did, he may lose what control he had over me( which was a lot as he would be hysterical if I went anywhere without him or with others , yet seemed fine when he was with trusted family members having fun without me)
please advise me. I of
course love him but feel such dislike towards his treatment of me and others and he basically triggers me every day now .
please advise, thanks.

It might help to remember this: Children may develop heightened sensitivity or anger as coping mechanisms for issues like abandonment or lack of secure attachment, even in the absence of a close parent-child bond. None of this is because you did anything wrong or failed him, it’s just one of the complicated ways young people deal with pain and uncertainty.
Since he’s not interested in therapy yet, the best thing right now might be getting some backup for yourself - whether that’s a trusted friend, a support group, or whatever just for you.
Try to keep little bits of distance when things get heated, and hold onto the fact that, deep down, you both deserve safety and respect, even on the hardest days.

He clearly has his father’s genetic temperament and he has obviously had trauma losing his Dad like that. What options do you think are possible with him, you know him best. Therapy didn’t work so social services? Police if he crosses a line?

He is only going to get bigger and stronger as time goes by so the sooner the better I guess. It sounds incredibly difficult for you.

Such a thoughtful post, thanks. There is little respect and last night my other son told me he worries about me with him and feels for my situation with him. That son is only two years older . So sad.

Thanks. He won’t engage with any professional and I have nobody to take him even overnight

I am afraid you are going to have to face this down.

He doesn’t have separation anxiety he is practicing Being Controlling on you. and you need to not let him.

If he refuses to engage with therapy then the natural consequence of that is he has to live with those nasty emotions he is experiencing.
He abuses you now- the natural consequence of that is that there will be a point where you choose not to let him live with you and he won’t be able to do anything about it.

If he takes it upon himself to be rude to you, then there will be a withdrawal of services (phone/wifi/clean clothes/lifts/whatever).
Every escalation by him must be met by absolute resistance.

It is also essential that other (loving) adults around him call out the behaviour. A close friend was in a similar situation and her older brother would gently tell him off, and set a good example.

Lastly - surely you got rid of his father and the other trash men out of your life. Don’t you think it is time he knows that angry men get told to Get In The Bin by women?

I know it's so hard for you but the more you tiptoe around him, the more he's going to think that his behaviour is acceptable. He needs to be told that you will not put up with it anymore. And If he crosses the line into getting physical then you call the police because from your post it sounds like you're scared of him, almost like an abusive relationship. He needs to realise that yes what his dad did by leaving was shitty for him, but that doesn't give him the right to abuse you, his one loving parent. Hopefully more people will come along with some strategies you can implement but honestly at 15 he knows exactly what he's doing and it's no way for you to have to live. Really hope you get through to the other side soon💐