We’ve been together 10 years and have two children (5 and 2). We’re not married.
There have been repeated breaches of trust over the years - messaging other women, flirting online, and even calling escorts while away with friends. He insists nothing physical ever happened and claims the escort calls were “for all of them” instead of a strip club.
When we first met, he admitted to cheating on his ex several times but said they were “terrible mistakes” he’d learned from. Looking back, I feel like I’ve spent years being treated like a fool which he now even admits. Even early on, when I was heavily pregnant, he’d go out drinking, say he was coming home, then switch off his phone so I couldn’t “pester” him, and call me controlling when I got upset.
The escort calls happened when our second baby was only a few months old and I had no support. I told his parents what had happened, hoping they’d hold him accountable, but they didn’t even mention it to him. When everything came to a head with me, they said they didn’t care what he’d done because they loved him. It broke something in me.
I lost my mum when I was 15 and don’t have any family in the UK, so I’ve never really had a support network here. I also quit work when our eldest was 2 to be a stay-at-home mum. I know some will say that was a mistake, but it felt right for our family at the time. All of this has made me even more dependent on him emotionally and practically, which makes everything that’s happened much harder to untangle.
This week, I found proof that he had interacted with a sexual post on Instagram again - the post itself was from last year. He says that was before a “realisation” last summer that he couldn’t lose me. Around that same time, we had a huge argument with his family because of how they treated and spoke to me, and he went no contact with them afterwards. He says that whole experience changed him completely and that he’s valued me ever since.
I’d repeatedly asked for marriage over the years, and there was always an excuse - timing, money, stress, family issues. Now I know why. He even got as far as buying a diamond a couple of years ago, but nothing ever came of it.
Now he says he’ll do whatever it takes - therapy (alone or together), full transparency, password (which I already have) giving up nights out drinking — and he’s talked about wanting to finally marry me. He says his parents never held him accountable and they never spoke about things and that’s why he acted this way. He calls himself a “piece of shit” and says he wants to be the husband and father we deserve.
But when I asked him what he’d do if he were drunk and an attractive woman came on to him, he said, “I’d like to think I wouldn’t.” It was honest, but not exactly reassuring.
He says the online stuff was “exciting” for him when he was drunk, and that he wanted validation, especially when things were rocky between us, which they have been.
He really is a loving dad, and our kids adore him. It would devastate our 5 year old if we split, and that’s a huge part of why I stay. But I’m exhausted and don’t know if this “new him” is genuine change or just fear of losing me.
Has anyone rebuilt trust after years of betrayal like this? How do you know when someone’s truly changed and when you’re just clinging to hope because you don’t want to blow up your family?