Situation with my mum - need advice

[MummyDoIt]

I had a big row with my mum a couple of months ago and haven't spoken since. She's always been difficult to get on with - huge martyr complex, selfish, self-obsessed. Things came to a head after my father died. He had the same cancer my DH has and, instead of supporting me, Mum has made comments implying I'm not looking after DH as well as she looked after Dad. When I've said how hard it is juggling the needs of a sick DH with two young children, she claimed it was harder for her because she had grandchildren to look after too. She always has to be worse off than anyone else. The final straw came when I visited her earlier this year, we had a row and she threatened to kill herself. She's made dozens of suicide threats before so I knew she wouldn't do it but I thought it was a cheap, manipulative trick and that's when I decided to have nothing more to do with her.

Fast forward to today, when the postman arrives with small gifts to my DSs from her. I'm not sure how to respond. I appreciate that it's an olive branch and I ought to acknowledge it but it's not direct contact with me and it's not the apology I was hoping for.

I don't bear grudges and I hate not speaking to her and I also appreciate that she is grieving for my Dad. I've made allowances for that but, even so, she always managed to reduce me to tears with her comments whenever we talked on the phone. Every single time we spoke, she would tell me how unfair it was that Dad died so young (63) and they only had 40+ years together. While I totally sympathise with her and accept that she has every right to feel that way, I just wish she wouldn't say it to me. DH and I won't have anything like that time together. He won't live to see his children grow up. Dad had so much more time than DH will and I think Mum is being incredibly insensitive to go on about it to me. I have asked her not to but she still does it.

I really don't want to hear that, or her critical comments again, so I'm in a bit of a dilemma as to whether to accept her olive branch and move on or whether to stick to my guns and have no contact. We live 250 miles apart so any contact will have to be by telephone or post. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you for reading such a long post.

Hmmm...difficult. I think I would just send a card saying something like "Thank you for the gifts for the children, they're very pleased with them" etc. At least then you've reciprocated in as non-committal a way as she has reached out. If she's hurt you this badly and you've told her how you feel, I think the onus should be on her to make more of an effort to patch things up, if that is what she is trying to do.

But then I am a bit of an evil withered grudge-bearing old hag My grandad has made attempts to build bridges with me in the past, but they've always failed because he's completely incapable of changing or acknowledging his own wrong-doing, so now I just don't bother with him anymore.

I hope you are all doing okay, btw, sounds like a nightmare situation with your DH

She has made a small gesture in your direction, and I would reciprocate with a small gesture. Are your dc old enough to write thank you letters? I would get them to write one, and put in a litle not from yourself saying thank you or the presents too. Then the ball is back in her court.

I would match her olive branch by sending thank you cards from the children. Then she can't accuse you of ignoring her gfts, but she also hasn't "got away" with not apologising to you or addressing her behaviour

I'd write her a letter thanking her for the pressies and giving her a bit of family news maybe. OR you might consider writing to tell her exactly how you feel about her behaviour towards you, and in particular the last time you saw one-another. Do you miss her or do you feel happier not having contact? Is she likely to be any support to you in the future? Maybe she's not able to change. for you as you don't need any additional crap in your life.

agree with sparkle and I think the answers to her questions will be the key for you

I agree- you need to acknowledge her gifts.

Also- could you write saying how you feel about the situation? I think that often letters have more impact than conversations, because they are there so that the person can keep reading them.

Maybe you could bring yourself to say that you want a better relationship with her, but explain how her comments are insensitive.

Good luck.

Thanks for the advice. I'll definitely get the DSs to write thank you letters. I'm just wondering whether I should write a letter myself, explaining exactly why I'm upset. Other family members have told me that, while she's sorry we argued, she still doesn't realise exactly what I'm upset about. She thinks I can't deal with her grief which is so not true. Knowing her, I'm not convinced that spelling it out would make her change but maybe, for my own peace of mind, I need to do it, just to prove that I did everything I could to resolve the situation.

The problem is that it sounds like she's just too self-absorbed to understand where you're coming from. Obviously this may not be the case, but I have encountered many people who, while operating under various degrees of sanity, are completely incapable of seeing things from any other viewpoint than their own. Everything bad that happens in their relationships is always someone else's fault; they genuinely cannot understand why people behave towards them the way they do, even when the self-absorbed person's actions have been blatantly outrageous to everyone else.

Only you can judge whether she's likely to get it or not, and whether it would be more or less harmful to you in the long run to deal with the possibility of another uncomprehending reaction.

Cyteen, do you know my mother LOL! You have described her to a tee. I guess if I don't make one last attempt to make her understand, I'll always wish that I had done. If I try and fail, at least I know I tried. It's going to be one hard letter to write, though.

Make sure you keep a copy for yourself

Mummydoit

I would agree with Cyteen's response; she sounds completely self absorbed (she also sounds like a toxic parent) and cannot or will not understand your point of view.
You will likely never receive an apology from her as she is seemingly emotionally incapable of hearing any other view but her own. These people do not take on any responsibility for their actions.

If you do write a letter (and I am not suggesting you do not) you have to bear in mind that she could use its content against you saying that "well I tried my hardest with you" etc. Such people can see letters as an attack.

Would also suggest you post your original comment on the "well we took you to stately homes Part 3" thread on these relationship pages. Many of them have had and continue to deal with emotionally difficult/toxic mothers and could relate.

I still think it is worth the OP trying to convey her thoughts in a letter.

Many people spend their lives being "let off" by their family and friends, as they dare ot speak frankly- then it is is no wonder that they do not understand, or take on board, their faults!

Many people get away with murder with their partners- who won't criticise them in any way- a typical example being a hen-pecked husband! This gives the dominant person the idea that their behaviour is perfectly okay- as everyone tip-toes around them.

Sometimes, all that is needed is a bit of frank talking. There may well be a fallout and some sulking, but usually they get over it and start to see that it's got some truth in it.

I agree a letter is a good idea. Try to home in on what has distressed you, rather than criticising her. If what she said hurt you, try to quote the exact words rather than use indirect speech.

I wonder what it is in her life that has made her so insuffrable. Threatening suicide to manipulate your own daughter is particularly cruel. Did her own mother do that too?

She is very lucky to have had 40 years with a (presumably) good husband. You are extremely unlucky to have a husband dying in the midst of life. You are also unlucky not to have a supportive mother in this situation, to say nothing of losing your father.

I would be wary of telephone conversations with her and stick to the written word.