Should I stay or should I go?

[Limbo101]

Name changed but long time poster. I feel like I need a reality check. I wasn’t sure where to post this and I’m not sure if posting here will attract those who have only left there spouses but I had to post somewhere:

story goes, married, 2 children (pre school) I noticed behavior changes and looked through his phone, worst fears were confirmed. He insists it was only an emotional affair and nothing physical. It was a work colleague. He’d deleted most of the messages. When confronted he lied and had continued to lie about aspects of it until confronted with the truth in black and white. I tried to work on things because I love him and everything we have built together but there was always niggling doubts. I was always questioning him about certain things and searching for more answers. Turns out I was right to question things and he had lied about more and I had to find out by myself. Almost a year after I discovered he was in regular contact with another female and he ‘talked to her about how he was feeling’ to me this was a slap in the face but he couldn’t really see what the problem was. To me it is another betrayal to confide in another woman about your feelings where you are in the aftermath of betrayal already.

I really don’t know what to do here , my heart breaks for my children and everything that I thought I once had.

It sounds like this other individual aside - things weren't in a fantastic place for you both. Children will always be happier when their parents are thriving and have safety and comfort.
Really sorry that your dealing with this, hope you get the support you need to make the best call for you and your children!

As someone who stayed - I would recommend you go. "Only an emotional affair" -as if it doesn't count??? His dismissal is ridiculous. And how can you believe him, anyway? He has already proven himself to be a liar and only admit the least he can when confronted.

I had the same - the lies, the gaslighting, the feigned innocence. I wanted to believe him, I didn't want it to be true. He was my best friend, my one person who always had my back. Since the discovery years ago now I have never felt safe in our relationship, no matter how good it seems on paper. I have never been able to regain any kind of trust, and he never admitted anything despite undeniable evidence.

I stayed because I wasn't in a secure financial place, but wish I had found the strength to leave anyway. The anxiety I've had over the years about where he was and who he was talking to nearly drove me crazy. I'm still getting my ducks in a row (I am near retirement age) and as soon as I have enough tucked away to feel somewhat safe, I am off.

Don't be me, don't wait until it's nearly too late to get out.

@PlanningOnRunningAway yes this is one of my fears that I will never be able to trust him fully again and won’t feel safe. I could have possibly forgiven the affair if, once confronted he held his hands up. It’s the lies that have caused more damage.

If he's not even attempting to act sorry and minimising what went on, how could you ever trust him again? Even if my husband had admitted everything and done his best to prove he was committed to only me (transparency, counselling, breaking off all contact with the OW, all the things someone who was actually sorry for hurting me and wanted to stay would do) I still probably wouldn't trust him. Those things would be the absolute minimum required to move past it, and you don't seem to be getting them either.

I stayed. It started as an emotional affair but became physical and then i found out.
I had the denial to start with then the blame everywhere but her when it became undeniable.
She took some blame but always tempered with blame elsewhere.
And no real sorry for anything other than being caught it felt.
Then something shifted with us and at that moment she accepted full responsibility. Saw the pain caused and worked to make up for it and fully understood the lack of trust.
Its taken a long time but we are in a good place now and though I do trust her I do still find myself occasionally wondering. I've even sunk to the level of checking her phone without her knowing and there is nothing there. I feel guilty and also not for checking but I guess thats just how it is.

There has to be that level of acceptance from them and that cannot be forced or it will not be real. If that acceptance isnt there then I dont think healing is possible for you. And he needs to understand how he is standing in the way of you being ok again.

@AnonymouseDad how long did the shift take to appear and how long has it been now?

it’s the second person that’s really made me rethink because it feels like betrayal on top of betrayal with no real understanding of how that makes me feel. He in fact recognises that I would have been annoyed had I known it was going on but that he needed it.

It took a couple of months after the day it all came out until there was a shift.
By thay point we were in the process of separating.
I always aim to make her laugh. Even in dark times. Mainly through something silly that happens to me. And thats what I did because despite everything she was still my best friend. So something comical happened to me while I wasn't with her and I sent her the story by text. My daughter was with her (and she knew everything that had happened too) she said it was like mum just broke. Laughed and cried and just bounced between the two until she just stopped. That was the moment.
She realised what she wanted and has worked really hard to earn back trust and us.
Its been several months now and we are going strong. Sometimes need reminders like today we just felt a bit distant so talked it through and even now she takes full blame for everything. She cannot comprehend why I've never been angry or hateful towards her as she feels she deserves it and thats what we talked about today. Because I choose not to was my answer. She was feeling like I was holding it inside.
Thats what the switch is. When they put your feelings first and understand just what pain has been caused.
I hope your partner figures it out. It might take an extreme situation though to make him see.

He in fact recognises that I would have been annoyed had I known it was going on but that he needed it.

He needed it? I might be misunderstanding what you're saying, but it sounds like he is still not taking any kind of responsibility for what he's done?

I am so sorry you're going through this. If he had slept with her and admitted it, it would be easier to draw a line and say "this is over" or decide together how you were going to work to restore the trust and commitment.

He seems to take responsibility for the first person. Accepts that it was a betrayal and he broke trust etc. the second one he says is different and hard to say why but he just needed someone to talk to. I strongly suspect the first one was sexting or at the very least a strong sexual attraction and the second one isn’t and that’s why it’s different but he can’t explain why it’s different.

I would go. He's repeatedly lied and repeatedly betrayed you.

It will always be a bit shit - particularly as he isn't apparently that bothered about mending fences. He is minimising everything and making out that it's not that big a deal and you are the one making a fuss. His 'needs' apparently come above any kind of loyalty to you.

All he needs to know is how it has made you feel.
Had the first not happened then talking about how he is feeling to someone male or female probably wouldn't be an issue but as there is a first it understandable makes you uncomfortable and that is what he needs to know, acknowledge and act on.

in case anyone looks at this thread in the future. I tried very hard to reconcile but things reached a point where it was becoming toxic. I told him it was over and then he confessed to more lies. I am devastated for my children as this was not the life I wanted for them but I cannot live a lie. If anyone has any words of wisdom I would gratefully receive them!

I don’t have words of wisdom as such but please know that there is a happy life out there for you. Work hard, make your children’s home a happy one with music and laughter in it. Take them to interesting places and talk and listen to them. You may feel wistful about the life they could have had and it’s ok to grieve for that, but in reality your H is a liar and a cheat so you and your kids were never going to have the happy family life. You have a chance to create something better now. Good luck

I think that this a pattern of behaviour from him that is unlikely to change.

Give up on him and free yourself from the heart ache and low self esteem that come with being married to a lying cheat.

It is always always more than to what they admit.

I am glad you’ve stopped trying.

And yes, it absolutely is not the life you wanted for your dcs.

But they have you. You are their rock. Their stability. Their place of safety. You won’t blow up their world for the sake of a shag in the office.

You can rebuild for them. You are a family in your own right. Your creepy adulterous husband is now on the outside of that. He has to rebuild his own life and connections with the the DCs but you don’t.

I would be just cold, distant and civil to your ex. Divorce him asap. He will feel the real consequences of his actions.

I tried so hard for so long, too long really. It’s damaged my mental health and my self esteem. I just can never understand why people do this to those they say they love. The lying was worse than anything he actually did. I’m trying my best just now to look after myself but it’s hard.