Dm fixation on my diet and weight

[Lavender14]

My mum and I have never really gotten along. She's been utterly fixated on my weight and appearance since literally birth (would show people photos of me as a newborn commenting on my body shape and how big I was) and this has never let up over the years apart from very briefly when I lost so much weight I was down to a size 6-8 and had lost too much weight for my height (then she went from complaining i wasn't toned enough to saying i was too skinny within the same week). The weightless wasn't intentional but at the time I was really struggling with stress and anxiety and couldn't stomach eating properly.

I've worked very hard over the years to undo the negative associations she's put in my head through counselling and working on myself and now I feel I have a decent relationship with my body even though I'm at my heaviest and am currently overweight. I am trying to be healthier - I am active as part of my job, I work out when I can (but also have a full time job and a toddler with no childcare so not easy to go running or to the gym regularly) but i manage running at least once a week and on the whole I eat well but I do get a takeaway once or twice a week. My mum is absolutely stuck on this. If I'm getting a takeaway she will make comments on it, sits and stares at me eating to the point I now eat in my room to avoid her, makes comments on my portion size and if I'm home from work late accuses me of going to takeaways after work (I've only done this a couple of times in the past year but she thinks it's every few days). It's always framed as "concern" but it's also always dripping in judgement. She's even told me she believes I'm killing myself with food and when my ex cheated on me told me it was my own fault for not losing the baby weight. For context I'm a size 16-18 and a lot of that is boobs so not extreme in the grand scheme of things.

I've tried completely ignoring her, telling her directly she's impacting on my mental health and told her to stop, reminded her that I'm an adult and I know enough to make an informed decision for myself, got angry and frustrated- nothing makes a jot of difference. At the moment due to divorce I'm living with her and working on moving out as soon as I can but it's absolutely destroying our relationship and that makes me really sad that she would rather have her say than have a relationship with me. How do I manage this? She also eats similar to me, gets a takeaway probably more often than I do and is never done buying cakes and junk for the house to eat every night

She’s not a good parent to you now and has never been so either. It’s not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way. She’s obsessed with weight and appearance and probably sees you as an extension of her or competition for affection from men. She wants to keep you down and uses food to do so.

When you move out and do so asap keep both your child and you well away from her. She could well harm your child in not too dissimilar ways as to how you have been harmed by her.

This is about her OP, not you. Does she know how strongly you feel? It’s especially unfair of her to say these things to you at the moment but it has never been OK. Does she have any issues of her own with weight/body image?

I think my own DM’s generation were affected by diet culture but my own generation was absolutely ruled by it. If you don’t already follow her, Alex Light does really good work calling out the diet industry. It doesn’t stop what others think but it does make you feel a bit less like you’re the problem.

This is horrific! My mother is super fixated on my weight/size too, and my appearance more generally. They come from the generation/conditioning that thinks a woman's worth and 'saleability' is based on her appearance so their hyper fixation on our appearance comes bizarrely from a place of love in that they think if we fit the template for attractiveness, our life will be better. But, ofcourse, it is ridiculous and deeply damaging especially to children. I would suggest you just be rude to her on this issue - I am to my mom. I cut her off when she starts up on me. I tell her she needs to examine her own relationship to her body and food, and to stop peddling nonsense.

Have you read 'My body is not an apology'?

Oh I absolutely see that she's been raised in a highly toxic culture around diet and weight and I do see her as a product of that, so I know it's more her issue than mine in that respect, but listening to it all the time is so draining. She knows how much it affects me because it got so bad before I left the house every time she brought it up because at that point I was struggling to cope with it. I've told her explicitly it makes me feel bad about myself and my body and it affects my mental health but she doesn't care. When she's been called out before by other family on some of the more extreme things she's said and done in relation to my weight and diet she sits and giggles like a naughty child. I have enough of my own anxiety about being healthy for my child as a now lone parent, I can't take on any more.

Yep go non contact

So sorry OP - my Mum has similar traits but not so extreme. She notices every pound on or off, she comments on everything. She has a fixation with weight and she complains about her own weight all the time even though she is 9st! All I can say is that you need to get away ASAP ... and even when you do, it will probably continue over the phone and on meet-ups etc. There is something wrong with her, and if she can't stop despite seeing the harm it causes then she needs to be cut out.

God I could have written this post. It’s taken me to age 51 and my mum dying earlier this year to realise I have had one huge eating disorder my entire life. I was always told by her I was overweight and my clothes criticised. No matter how little I ate I was told “can’t believe how muc you can put away”. It was relentless. She died and guess what, I lost 3 stone. I can breath again and enjoy food and not panic or binge eat when I’m sad. Limit your contact, don’t let her in your head. Easier said than done but Jesus that stuff effected me my entire life don’t let it do the same to you

I think many women like this don’t have enough of interest going on in their lives- so fixate on yours instead -someone else said about ‘saleability’ and I do think that’s in the mix with lots of these women. They themselves were defined by attractiveness and success of men they dated and married ( rather than careers etc) and therefore think for you to be attractive to men you too have to be slim and pretty and well turned out at all times ( regardless of age) - now these are nice aims of course, but should be for yourself if it matters to you, not as simply a tool to attract men. I’m afraid you are going to have to be really blunt and say ‘stop bringing up my weight or appearance, you are pissing me off’

When can you leave? This attitude will corrode your relationship, sounds very annoying.

Whilst you are living with her tell her once and for all not to comment on your appearance or weight. Then walk away to another room. Do not eat with her either if that's possible. Leave asap and go very low contact. Women like your mother do not change.

Unfortunately I'm waiting on my ex selling our old house and at the moment he's not engaging with solicitors so it'll likely be another year or so - I'm not entirely clear on time frames with these things. I am looking to rent but there's very little that's suitable and affordable in my area. Anything I've applied for I've been turned down for just due to the competition.

"Whilst you are living with her tell her once and for all not to comment on your appearance or weight. Then walk away to another room. Do not eat with her either if that's possible. " I've already done all of this. I've been very direct with her, even sat my mum down and laid it out as a boundary which she agreed to initially and that lasted 2 weeks before she broke it again. She always had real problems with boundaries and tact but being back living in it again is really affecting me.

I think what I struggle with the most is trying to understand how much of it is her being an intentional bully, how much is her believing she's being 'helpful' and how much is just her own unhealthy attitudes to diet and weight because of the culture she grew up in. There's probably elements of all the above but it makes me doubt myself in how I respond to her.

Crumbs that is going to be a looong 12 months

I think the only thing you can do is 'grey rock' it, i.e. don't respond at all. Don't say a word or acknowledge her comments about food or weight in any way, carry on as though nothing has been said.

It seems like you’re spending a lot of energy and time trying to figure out what motivates your mum to speak to you in this way. But really, does it matter why she’s doing it? You’ve told her how you feel and it hasn’t stopped her. Boundaries are not for other people - they are for ourselves too. You say your mum broke your boundary after 2 weeks - what did you do when that happened? Reinforcing a boundary when someone doesn’t adhere to it is down to you. It doesn’t mean you give up. My mum used to say stuff like this to me too before I left home, even if other people were there. I took to making a loud noise like a buzzer when she did it, and then I would leave the room saying ‘time out’. I’d go to my room or ask a friend to call around, and I wouldn’t speak to my mum again until the next day. If she tried to talk to me before that I’d just repeat the noise and ‘time out’. Rinse and repeat. It didn’t take long for it to stop - especially after I did it in front of my aunt and mum’s friends!

Keep reinforcing your boundary OP. She’ll keep saying those things if you don’t.

I’ve had this. Solved it by moving abroad and not talking to her.