Sleeping in seperate beds

[highheeledsneakers]

This may sound starnge to some people but my 2 children sleep in bed with me and DH sleeps in the spare room.

My children are 6 and 4 and the eldest has SN and seperation anxieties.

He did sleep in his cot and bed for a while but since the age of about 4 has wanted to sleep in my bed.

My DD has joined us out of habit really as she says DS sleeps with you why can't I .

So we have just continued with this.

The children both have there own bedrooms which we have decorated how they wanted and I think DD is ready for her own room but we are still having issues with DS.

It has just become a habit that DH sleeps in the spareroom and don't want the children thinming thius is normal that mummy and daddy sleep apart.

I have to sneak out of my bed and join DH in the spare room but sometimes DS comes looking for me in the middle of the night .

Also know the childen are getting bigger I am on the edge of the bed most nights and am not sleeping properly so am tired most of the time .

Any suggestions please?

At the risk of being flamed, which is what I got when I posted on this same topic last week.... I'd say try to get your children to sleep independently- IF it is bothering you as it is.

I don't think you should worry over what the children think is "normal" as many families have all kinds of sleeping arrangements. (My own mother slept with her mother for years- until the d y she got married- after her father died, as they had to move to a small house and her brother had the other bedroom).

it's important you do what suits YOU. Your children will respond positively if you are confident in your approach- if they sense you are insecure or uncertain, they will play on that. if you decide to put them int heir own rooms you should be firm and not give in, or you'll just make a rod for your own back.

girlnextdoor-It sort of works for us but obviously in the long term they need to be in their own beds.

DH obviously thinks we should be more firmer with them and it has gone on for long enough.

But DS does get really upset if he wakes up and I am not there.

Have found him sobbing in bed before and it is difficult to know what to do.

His little sister is just following suit and I think she would have no problems sleeping in her own bed.
It's just getting DS to sleep in his that's the problem.

When we have been away on holiday last 2 years they have slept in twin beds in the same room away from me at Grans house.
Although last year I came up to find DS crying as he could'nt find me when I had gone downstairs after putting him to bed.

Can you try to get him into a special bedtime routine- if you don't already- story, cuddles, favourite toys etc nearby? Would he respond to being told "You are a big boy now and big boys sleep in their own beds".

Also would he respond to bribery- a treat or reward if the achieves it?

We have talks with him about him being at an age where he should be in his own bedroom.
He takes his favourite toy up to bed each night and we read books or just chat.

Have tried the reward thing before but he just says he does'nt want any rewards.

Have also tried lifting him in to his bed when asleep but he wakes up and realises and just gets back in my bed.

What a child psychologist would advise is this:

-put him back in his own bed without talking to him- or saying as little as possible
-keep doing this even if he cries ( YOU may be more upset by the crying- not him)
-don't give-in/give-up, even if in the short term it means more tears and a few sleepless nights.

He needs to know that you mean it- at the moment he is dictating what happens. I am not saying you are wrong, just saying that if you want it to change then you have to be firmer and not allow yourself to give in.

Agree with the others. It's not going to be easy in the short term but you really have to be firm, even if it means he's upset.

my ds is 7...but I don't mind.
He does sometimes sleep on a matress in our bedroom

An interim solution could be put a mattress on the floor of you ds' bedroom and sleep in there with him until he is settled into the routine of sleeping in his own room.

perhaps dh can do something similar with dd at the same time so that neither dc feels left out and you get them both in their own rooms at the same time.

perhaps you could do a deal with ds on how he can let you know he needs you at night.

tbh, i don't necessarily agree with all the things psychologists say about getting kids to sleep in their own beds. and i should imagine it's tricky to take an average view when the child in question has SN.

Message withdrawn

I think it´s your children that have decided this sleeping arrangement for you, and not you. How does your DH feel being relegated to the spare room?!

You have to think whether that is acceptable to you.

Most children would sleep in their parents bed if you let them.

I know of couples that do this. In all these couples, the mum has reasons (like sepration anxiety. My DS had this, and I had to take a lot of time to comfort him, explain things to him, but NO WAY would I have let him take over my bed and kick out DH!)) to continue the situation. The dads are not happy. I know of TWO dads who ended up having affairs, as they felt unloved. (not saying this is a fair thing to do, but you can sort of understand ...)

I think that as a couple, you give up a lot for your children and it´s good to hold on to a few things, like the right to sleep with your partner.

I think the kids can share a room, that way neither of your Dcs is alone.

Time to get them into their own room, time to take charge.

I absolutely agree with Chandon.

Ultimately the marriage is the most important thing - if that goes tits up, everyone suffers.

I'm often surprised at the extent to which children are put on pedestals at the expense of husbands.

Slate away, Mumsnet, I'm just in that sort of mood today!

i would reward daughter for being in own room and i would seta bed up on the floor for ds

my ds who is 3 has ASD and likes to be near me we ALWAYS put him to bed in his own bed so he knows thats where he is supposed to go

but if he wakes in night we have a bed made up on floor and put him on there so me and dp still get to stay in same bed

if ds tries to get in my bed in night i say its down there or your own room he lays back down no worries

i let him get in from 5 onwards

its important you keep the closeness between you both no reason dd shouldnt be in her bed and ds with his anxiety would be best to just get him out of your bed before attempting to upset him in leaving him in his room to cry as can give them phobias of there room

break it gently put him to bed in his own bed dont let him in your room until your in bed and then put him on bed on the floor

gradually you can attempt to settle him in is room justb get him used to not sleeping next to you first

Is it you he is attached to? Could you try alternating with your husband so he gets used to that first? I dont know really if it would help but is something to consider.

sorry I don't agree bubbla- if you go along with the mattress on floor idea, then it's just another step to get them into their own beds.

How on earth can they develop phobias by being in their own rooms?

Sorry- but I think you are inventing things.

I also can't follow much of what you wrote- some fullstops would help!

well i had sleep therapist out who said to take gradual steps of dealing with the seperation anxiety

move from bed first and then move to own room and maybe sleep on there floor and gradually move away especially when dealing with a child with SN

i had the proffessional out to help me with same thing and this is how she has told me to deal with it and this is coming from sleep therapist

sorry i just noticed bit abouut full stops not sure why you had to pick that out

not talking my own agenda talking sleep therapist agenda

distressing bed times can cause child to not want to go into there own bed so to break it in gently would cause less distress to them

especially when dealing with SN and seperation anxiety

my ds has SN and sleep therapist gave this advise and it has worked he now does 4 out of 7 nights in own room

and so you know my ds had phobia of his room as bed times were so distressing he assossiated this with bed time and refused to go into his room

this is why sleep therapist came out in first place as he has sn and assossiated bedtime with stress wouldnt go in his room she said gradual seperation

This might be a bit tangential but equally may help start the separation not being too scary: tell stories etc in his bed and put him to sleep there,,, if he's anxious let him go to sleep in your bed but carry him back to his own bed when you're going to bed. Have both of them share a room at the moment, even if it means repainting

rather have dc than dh, they snore less and don't watch tv/listen to radio/on internet /on laptop in bed..