I’ve been with my husband (41) for 20 years. 3 young kids and a mortgage. We have a fairly equal marriage and both are committed, reliable, kind people (for context).
But our relationship, typically, has struggled since children came along. At first I chalked it down to tiredness with 3 kids under 4 (set of multiples), hormones and a difference in our own upbringing and parenting styles.
As time has gone on, eldest now 8, I feel like we’re drifting further from each other. I just no longer “get” him at all and am often frustrated with him. It feels like we’re very different people.
He seems to be totally unaware of other people’s feelings. He’s solutions focused, extremely target focused and wants people to be happy but is also defensive and emotionally shut off which makes normal disagreements hard to resolve. He finds it hard to relate to my feelings annd even more so our kids feelings. His whole immediate family are unemotional so I guess I should have realised but he didn’t seem to bad before kids.
He also just seems pretty thick to me at times, despite having a complex and responsible job. For example, the other day he was doing some DIY involving drilling big screws into MDF upstairs in a bedroom - loads of noise. He goes to do some sport in the evening, gets back at 7.30pm (aka bedtime) and decides it’s a fine time to recommence the drilling. Literally no bother about the kids trying to get to sleep in the rooms next to the noise. I had to go in there and ask him to not drill. After trying to convince me it’ll be fine, he eventually agrees to do something quieter.
It’s just one of a hundred examples of pure stupidity in my eyes. I must roll my eyes 10 times a day and it’s getting worse. He’s serious 90% of the time and when he is joking, I just don’t find it funny. I don’t think we’ve ever really found each other funny to be honest (which I didn’t worry about before, I valued other qualities more). Our interests also differ. I’m a thinker, enjoy keeping up to date with politics, like to analyse situations. He’s a black and white thinker who has zero clue what’s going on in the world and has three main interests; his job, his sport and gaming.
Is there a way back? We love each other and can rub along nicely. We also both want the family to stay together - and I get that two decades and half a lifetime together is a lot, but I’m feeling increasingly alone in the relationship and like, if I started again, he isn’t someone I’d pick. Sounds harsh but it’s true.
Is this normal?!
Not looking for LTB responses, just experiences.