Why does being cheated on hurt so much

[mumoftwoboys321]

Posted a while back about my story so won’t bore you all again.
the woman he was having the affair with her husband recently found out due to the fact they had never stopped their phone affair.
for him it’s all new and he wants to know the in and outs tracked me down on socials, he’s told me what he’s been told and sadly his wife is lying to him and making out it was nothing, due to the fact that they never stopped after what they did has brought this whole new wave of heartbreak. I can now see everything clear as day how stupid I was for believing the lies how much of a kick they must of got for carrying on so long and the worst part she knows about all the crap that I’ve been going through because of the affair and life in general.
how can the father of my children the man I have 18 years to and loved unconditionally treat me the way he has and even after it came to light the version I got told turned out to be bs his claim to loving me and me being his everything what the hell is that all about.
a whole year that has been going on I’m several months into trying to heal and the kick in the teeth this has been I just don’t know how to get over it all.
sorry for the boring post just today has got on top of me and the person I had to turn to her advice is not helping me

I'm sorry for what you're going through OP, it sounds truly awful. He's obviously not the person you thought he was and that is a painful realisation to come to. Now you know the truth, you need to stop ruminating on the 'how could he' and start thinking about how to move forward with your life. Remember it's far better to be alone and rely on yourself than be with a man who lies and cheats. You are definitely worth more than that. If you need to, get some counselling to work through all those unresolved feelings. Look after yourself lovely 💐

I didn’t see your other thread so I’m not sure if you’re trying to forgive him and continue the marriage but he has continued texting her? Or you’ve split up and you’re trying to move forward with your life without him? If it’s the latter then whatever he told you is irrelevant now. Are you married? Get the ball rolling on detangling yourself from him legally and financially.

Sorry @mumoftwoboys321 ive followed your posts from the beginning and it is truly heartbreaking what he has put you through. He’s selfish and his talk of loving you and remorse was actually about trying to manipulate you so the consequences of his actions don’t hit. Now you know he would have carried on trying to get away with it if you had forgiven him. It might hurt right now but it’s actually a blessing. You won’t second guess yourself that if you had forgiven he would have changed.

What was the advice that is not helping you?

Have you told her husband the truth as you know it?

None of this is a reflection of you, just like it’s not a reflection of her husband. They are two selfish people who will make whoever they are with miserable. Let’s hope they make each other miserable. Karma always comes because you can’t run from yourself it just takes time.

In the meantime, grieve your relationship, be hurt and sad, but then make a decision to move on. Be inspired by the many women on MN who come back to tell their story to other women going through betrayal and have found peace and love again (usually while their exes have gone on to have one disaster and disappointment after the other). It will all be ok but it’s ok to feel sad now.

I've had similar experiences sadly - it's not something that gets easier if it happens again. I'd also warn against trying to forgive and forget as it's never the same again and the trust is gone.

I think you learn the meaning of being vulnerable and why so many people don't do it after being burned a few times, why people have walls up.

I'd recommend listening to Taylor Swift, get into the album that speaks to how you feel right now - maybe The Tortured Poets Society - and have a few weeks or months of screaming the lyrics in your car. It feels so personal when someone betrays you like this and hearing other women feeling the pain and eloquently expressing it is very powerful I find.

Be kind to yourself. Eat well or you'll feel 10x worse each week that goes past, which is easy to overlook and forget. Make yourself strong.

She wanted me to tell the husband everything basically go on the war path. I’m not that person I hate the thought of being the person to make someone else feel the way I’m feeling. It didn’t matter anyway as the husband found out and contacted me, she had lied to him like I’d been lied to I didn’t give him the details I knew but I told him a basic version of what I knew as unfortunately everything I got told was bs I let him know that the evidence I had found is got rid of as I’m trying to go out the other side of all of this I apologised for not telling him but thought they had finished so didn’t want to destroy his marriage and told him him after everything I’ve gone through this year I can’t and won’t be involved now as it’s to unhealthy for me but I gave him the small bits that I new as facts.
so much of this has felt like a reflection on me not being good enough or pretty enough. You love someone so much and they destroy every part of you without a care in the world.
I know I’ll get there one day this year has taught me one thing that I’m strong and no matter how broken I am I have my boys and they are my everything and that keeps all this in a box while I’m with them making sure they are happy and creating new memories.
thank you for being so kind your words mean a lot

I think you need to separate the marriage, your husband and the reason for your pain and betrayal, from the actual human being you are dealing with.

No matter how common these situations and affairs are, the basics are, that you are dealing with someone with a lack of concience, that goes too for his ap. To these sorts of people it may just be a game, a change of scenery or a feeling of one upmanship with a primary partner.

One thing is with a marriage you tend not to judge the person as you would an unknown or single separate person, for instance if you were younger, a teen, would you allow a friend to betray you so badly, to be ignored, to have them ally with another friend to pull you down, to actively harm your piece of mind, your confidence, your belief systems.

Marriage clouds the waters of undertanding, take away all the marriage expectations, sunkan cost fallacies and contracts away, you are left with the basics that the person who you share a space with is not a very nice person, and some the friends they make are also not very nice.

Start building on that, you never harmed your union or your friendship with him, you are allowed to judge youself and say that you were a nicer person with a different set of values, unfortunately there are many people out there that will not live up to your standards even that sole person who you share a confined space with.

Don't think of him as a husband, think of him as a human being, one who has greater flaws than yourself, recognise your strength in this, you have to separate the situation from the bottom line of how nice some people are and how some are not so nice.

It will take time to stand alone, mentally, you are undoing what has been your norm for many years, your friendship, your union, your ally and partner who you thought would protect you and be on your side, it's a lot to lose but you will build back up, time will make sure of that but you will become less trusting and garded with others, those feeling are there to protect you.

It will get better, and you never know what you will happen on this journey of discovering yourself, maybe you will find out that you are just too nice to be with this type of person who you put your trust in and gave away a big slice of your life to.

Get stronger and make the decisions when you are ready, not when someone who is a weaker specimen asks.

And you are allowed to support other people who have been harmed by bad people, it is your choice if you wish to befriend her h, but your loyalty now is to yourself and your children, show them the right way of being kind, the bad ones usually get discovered in life so their gains can be transient.

This is his shame, do not carry that weight off him, you did nothing wrong, you did the right thing, he didn't, one day you will pity him.