Is it over?

[TheFunDog]

30 Yr relationship.... Very up and down.... Currently living separately.
I know he loves me... But in his way not mine... Always been the same.
I feel I've tolerated lots of negative stuff because I know he has struggles with emotions and feelings etc.

I'm just wondering now if I've invested too much to walk away??

I definitely feel like I haven't had what I needed from a relationship for years.
I've just tolerated... He looks after me in many ways and I'm grateful, but I'm now thinking there might be more on offer elsewhere??

What to do??

You don’t need a reason to leave.

"I definitely feel like I haven't had what I needed from a relationship for years."

So that's your answer - there's no such thing as having invested too much to leave - if things aren't working, they are not working. Life is too short and do you really want to feel like this for the next 30 years?

I think the answer is very obvious...

One life - you've spent many years unhappy. Why would you waste more?

You can - and should walk away. Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs. He cannot give you what you want from a relationship.

And, the benchmark shouldn't be whether there is more on offer elsewhere, but just whether you'd be happier by yourself without the drain of an unhappy relationship. Answer is almost always a resounding Yes! There will likely be better on offer elsewhere but leave because the situation makes you unhappy not because the imaginary grass is greener elsewhere.

You should think about two things differently:
First - don’t succumb to sunk cost syndrome. What’s gone, invested, is gone. You can’t get it back, what matters is what you do now.
Then you’re asking ‘is there more, better?’
The question is more ‘am I happy?’
You clearly weren’t (aren’t). So you need to do the things that make you happy. The grass might or might not be greener, but if something is bad for you, you should get away from it. If you’re with someone who doesn’t respect you, you should get away while you still respect yourself.
Only you can know how you feel or what you want, but you know something needs to change.

Thanks for all your input.... I feel I've stayed with it cos I hate the thought of being lonely as I get older.
Also when the relationship works it's good... Just never lasts for long before we have another issue, and things are getting worse as he gets older... Lots of frustration on his part.
I feel I need to be around to look after him... But I'm really unhappy. 😒.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What are you getting out of this relationship ?. Be honest with yourself here.

Your fear of being lonely as you get older is becoming truer by the day because you’re with him. And you are getting bogged down in your sunk costs and that also causes you to keep making poor relationship decisions.

You’re lonely now within this relationship and the nice times do not last long either. Do not waste anymore years on being with such a man through poor choice.

Who told you that you have to have to stick around or look after someone like this man?. He’s an adult and can look after and otherwise take care of his own self. You’re likely just convenient to him. Do you carry all the mental load for him along with doing all the chores?.

Being a rescuer or saviour in a relationship too never works.

It sounds like the potential for him
to become abusive towards you is already there.

I was loneliest when I was in an unhappy relationship. Staying doesn't mean you won't be lonely, likely the opposite given what you've told us.

Exactly this.

Absolutely not..... We argue but we've never been physical.

@TheFunDog You can leave if you are unhappy. But don't leave because you think the grass is greener elsewhere - as you put it "I'm now thinking there might be more on offer elsewhere".....

Leave if you think you will be better off on your own. Don't leave to meet someone else - you may or may not find that someone else.

There isn't anything on offer elsewhere. There is no guarantee you'll find anyone to love you at all, or to love you in some particular way you want to be loved. A few of my friends who divorced on mid-late 40s because they didn't have that spark with their Hs at the time - ended up looking for love that "must be out there" or, even worse "love they deserve" - only to find a string of disappointing encounters with non-committal men. And they are still single.

And - in my experience - the older people get, the less willing/able they are to give a lot of themselves to new relationships. I think we get tired and selfish as we age. We obviously want to BE loved - but often don't have all that much to give ourselves.

I don't know anything about your relationship and what the issues are. He loves you, as you say - but not in the way you want? I don't quite know what it means.
At some point in our relationships we need to realise that the people we are with are the way they are - and either accept them as they are, or leave.

It is completely up to you if you wish to leave I've been with my dh 10 years and we've had arguments yes I have my flaws he has his but we accept that if you don't accept whatever the issue is then leave

How old are you?
As others have said, leaving because you think you will find someone better isn't a good idea because it's hard for older women to find a decent man.

Leave if he makes you unhappy & being alone would be preferable because you may well stay single.
But if you think you could work on your relationship together it's worth trying that first.

Take a long hard look at what retirement would be like with him.
Is that really what you want? And remember some of his worst traits might become more dominant as he gets older.
Also remember that men do die younger than women, so you are still likely to live your final years on your own.
Maybe it’s best to learn to enjoy your own company, to make friends and pursue your own interests, now. These are valuable life skills whether or not you meet someone else.

I agree ofcourse that you shouldn't leave because the grass is greener, as I've said, but just to add a happy experience to the mix of stories. I left my horrid ex after 19 years in my late 40s and met the loveliest of men within the three months, and I am still with him and going strong. I did benefit hugely from therapy to help me address the vulnerabilities that attracted me to my ex and kept me in a toxic relationship.It made me value and be receptive to my kind partner. One does need to work for happiness, and have the luck to meet a good guy, but they are out there. Good luck!

Walk away

I left my relationship after 29 years and honestly the relief of living without him dragging me down is indescribable! As it happens I have met a very kind man who enhances my life, but I would still be happier on my own than living a miserable life with exh.