I've been with my partner for 18 years, 2 teenaged kids. It hasn't always been easy but things are really bad now.
The way I see it, a major issue in our communication has always been that he assumes intent on my behalf, and that becomes the framework for the conversation. An example from the early days might be
Him: why don't you want to have sex with me?
Me: I don't know why you think that i don't, sounds lovely
Him: I don't want a duty shag
This type of thing has pervaded our relationship, and I have become more and more distant and closed down, it feels impossible to have an open conversation about difficult things.
There is loads of background, but we are in a difficult patch. He apologised for a snarky response. I was trying to get a job application done so didn't respond much, I was just trying to hold my shit together. He knew this, I'd already said I was feeling overwhelmed and just needed to do this one thing.
He then says 'Do you have any thoughts about what I said that aren't about you?'
I left the room to continue the application. Later he came to me to say that it was a simple question etc etc.
I emailed him later:
"Do you have any thoughts about what I said that aren't about you?"
This isn't a simple question, it's a loaded question.
I don't know where to go with loaded questions, blame, accusations - they all start from an unhelpful place - I can either accept your framing, which often assumes intent that I do not recognise, so to accept it can feel like abandoning myself, or challenge it, which often results in you accusing me of gaslighting. It all feels too binary.
If you want to have conversations where I am not defensive, I would find it helpful to have genuinely simple questions.
To be clear, I am not claiming to be blameless, I know I have said and done things to hurt you. You have said and done things to hurt me. Both of these things are true.
His response:
I think you need to think about that question, why I as asking it and how you relate to it.
There was no blame, no framing no accusation. I'd hoped you could use it to get somewhere more constructive.
Id hoped it was an invitation to move past your reflexive stuff. Which is what I got.
I didn't do a bad thing asking you to stop thinking about yourself for 5 minutes.
You don't need to project anything onto that. It's not moving anything forward for you or me.
I think it would be a simple question for most people.
There is a reason I asked it exactly as I did. It's not a trap, it's basic human stuff.
But it's right at the heart of all this for me.
And so here we are, for context, I have ptsd following physical assault and whilst he is free to say anything he likes, and does so, I'm scared of the consequences of saying the wrong thing. I go into a shutdown response and if I say this he calls me abusive.
I really don't know if I am losing my mind, on the one hand it all seems clear , on the other, what if he's right? I feel like I'm losing the ground beneath my feet.