Trying to make new 'mum' friends ... feeling so disheartened!

[BananaMilkshake369]

I made a few mum friends while on maternity leave and we hit it off. Lots of walks, support for each other etc.

One woman moved away for her partners work and we were sad to see her go.

Myself and the other friend became really close and continued to spend time together when back to work , atleast once a week and sometimes more. Chatting regularly too. We became a really strong village for each other over the 2 years.
She is now also moving away for her husband's work and I am gutted.

Instead of mopping around feeling sorry for myself, I have been proactive trying to make friends through mum meeting groups etc (where other mums also go to make friends!).
I love having someone to have play dates with and my little boy is really social and enjoys the company when at the park/activities etc.

To be honest, I feel like giving up already.

1. Chatting with one woman, planned to meet, she cancelled on me last minute multiple times. Didn't reply to my last message with my availability to rearrange.
2. Another woman, chatting back and forth , keeps saying she is keen to meet but then won't lock down a day when I say I am free x y z .
3. Other chats have a few back and forth then go nowhere.
4. We attend a weekly playgroup but there's no one I have 'clicked' with unfortunately.

It feels like bloody dating!

Anyone else experienced the same trying to make mum friends?

Isn’t there an app you can use for his, Peanut or something?

@OnlyMabelInTheBuilding yes using peanut - that's where most most the chat that goes nowhere comes from!

You're in that awful in between phase. In the baby phase, it's new for everyone andyou find your little tribe through NCT or ante natal classes or a baby group and you have lots of time together and if you jare lucky, 1-2 of those becomre really genuine, deep, enduring friendships.

Then, in the toddler years, people are in the trenches. It's not that they don't want to. make new friends, it's that it's a time when somehow it feels harder. decision making is more complex. You're not finding your way together.

Then you come out of that and go into school - or even the year before at nursery - and suddenly the opportunity opens up again and if you're really lucky, you do find ac ouple of great friends.

I think just keep doing what you're doing and something will click, if not now, then definitely when your DC is a bit older and starting school/nursery.

It will happen more organically when they start nursery/school

We do nursery 3 days a week since Feb .... but not sure how to make friends through there ?

I think what's hard is I had the deep friendships and now they are sadly coming to an end (in a way!) due to moving away.

You're right about the 'inbetween'. As my boy is is 2, some mums are back to work, some staying home, some pregnant again, everyone's at different stages .

Totally agree with the above post. Also a lot of mums are trying to juggle work with childcare so making new friends is tough when they can barely keep up with their existing friendships.

Another thing is that a fair few mums may be getting pregnant again or having another baby (in my area the most common age gap between siblings is 2-3 years) and from my own experience it was so hard just doing the basics that having the mental or even physical capacity to make friends just isn't there. I spent most of my second maternity leave as a bit of a loner (still went out and did walks and classes and things) as I was just too tired to make the effort with new friends. I do feel a little guilty but DC2 hasn't suffered at all because of it - he's actually more outgoing than DC1!

Not sure if yours attends or will attend nursery but it definitely gets better when your DC actually makes friends there and is old enough to say they want to play with them at the park etc. I made a few lovely friendships in my DC's final year before school and now that they've started school this Sept I'm starting to make more. It does get better.

I'm in a similar position but further on. When my son was 2 y/o we moved from South London where my friends were close by and had young kids, plus the NCT group. I'd moved around the UK and internationally beforeand always established good friendships so didn't think twice about it potentially being difficult to build a new mum network when we moved to a small town in the Midlands. 3.5 years on, I only have one real mum friend and that's been with a lot of trying. School mums are friendly in the whatsapp group and in passing but thats it. It got to the point where I started to wonder if it was me, but realistically I think that women with young kids just have a lot on these days. If they already have a core group of friends or family nearby they probably don't have the need or bandwidth to seek out new relationships unless they're super sociable. It's a difficult point in time to ask people to invest. I keep reaching out for the sake of my son having playdates. They're often not reciprocated which can feel hurtful but I'd rather develop a thicker skin, not take it too personally, and make sure that my son has a good social life outside of school, even if I don't.

Chat to the other parents in the playground while you're waiting. Easier if their kids are friends with your kids. Chat every day! Ask them their plans for the day. Suggest walking down to the local cafe for a cuppa if it's a rainy day. Say your child really likes theirs, and could you meet up in the park some time - and then chat! Ask them if they know of any local adult clubs (gardening, craft, language, fitness, book group, whatever), and then go to them and talk to people.

Building friendships takes a long time, and being in the same place at the same time with something else to do really helps.

I think once your little one starts school it will become easier. I found making friends at the private nursery drop off difficult due to kids coming in different times days etc so parents were rushing off to work. Once school starts there’s more of a routine to make friends there. It’s tough, but also you could reach out on Facebook mums groups in your area to find like minded people.

The weird thing about nursery friends is that they become child-led. My daughters been going 18 months and I'm just starting to make friends with the parents of the children that SHE asks to meet to play with outside nursery. Not putting too much effort in, as we'll never see any of these people again once she starts school, due to the nursery location.

The mum friends I'm working on keeping are the ones that I work with and who live on the same street - we all know how much we need each other.

It all sounds really cold, but it's not really - its just all becoming a bit more child and convenience led.

Good luck - and maybe try listening out for who your little one mentions playing with a nursery. It a lot harder to ignore repeated requests from a 2 yo to "go play with x" than a text message. :D

Honestly it will happen naturally I have two little ones and I have gelled nicely with about 5 mums and they are genuinely similar to me.
There are plenty I say hi too and have little how’s it going chats etc as well. I am not out going and quite introvert. But naturally found people who I can feel at ease with and my kids do all the work for me.

@Esthery
The mum friends I'm working on keeping are the ones that I work with and who live on the same street - we all know how much we need each other.

This is so true, having support close to home makes a huge difference, and is fun for the children too.

Yeah. Mums are too busy to make new friends. I get on really well with a few mums but if I'm going to be meeting up with friends, then along with work, house stuff, kids, family, I'll make time for the friends I already have over going out with any new people.

This is a really hard age to make friends. It’s different when you all just had babies and are on mat leave. And you’re in the walks and coffee and baby class phase.

Then lots of people go back to work, and the ones who don’t are chasing toddlers around (hard to ever have a conversation and kids this age don’t really play with each other), and frankly, you probably have absolutely nothing in common with them.

Once they hit school age and sort of mid primary years (maybe Y2/3/4), I found it a lot easier to make friends with other parents. Our dc (very outdoorsy) did outdoorsy activities and gravitated to other outdoorsy children, who also had parents who did the same hobbies and sports as us and had similar outlooks. It would be the same for the swimming kids or the football ones or the musical ones.

But 1-4 was a bit of a dead zone for meeting other parents. Does it have to be mum friends? What about just friends? Do you have a hobby or interest or a class you want to take or similar? Other than work, that’s where I’ve met the most people who I actually have something in common with.

Do you get to talk to people at drop off and pick up? I regularly see the same faces and have made a conscious effort to say hello to those people.

Our Nursery has a parent evening in a few weeks and a separate coffee morning, so going to try and use those as opportunities to properly try and spark longer conversations up.

I think you’re going about this in a way that suggests you have X number of ‘local with the right age child’ friend-shaped holes in your life and you’re looking to fill the vacancies, rather than meeting people you happen to like organically.

To be honest I think the issue is trying to specifically get “mum” friends. If the only thing that brings you together is that you both have kids, it’s pretty flimsy isn’t it? No wonder they are flaky, there’s no genuine friendship there

For me personally it was more a case that my lifelong friends had kids and hence “mum friends”, but we had a friendship before that based on shared history/interests.

We rarely see the same people at nursery pick up, and often see no one else. Everyone picks up at different times.

Ive been there OP. You just have to keep trying and instigating and being available, even if sometimes it feels demoralising. Have to balance it with not seeming desperate too. Agree you’re at a tricky age.

A local mum started a WhatsApp group for the local preschooler mums and people add anyone who is interested. There’s over 100 people in it now, and while it does sound hellish and I’ve got it archived, it’s really helpful as a pseudo-village and good for advice, events and connecting with other local mums. Don’t know if you’d be brave enough to start the same? A bunch of us are meeting up at the park this week after some of the women were saying they know no one and have no local family.

I tried Bumble BFF but you have to pay to see who has matches with you so didn’t get past that. Met up with someone from Peanut years and years ago and that was pretty awkward.

Best bet is to start a nursery WhatsApp - ours is against the nurseryrules really but has been really helpful for arranging play dates and birthday invites. If you know one person at the nursery gate, add them (if they want), they’ll add someone, word will spread on it’s own.

DD is well past the toddler years now but IME this was the very best time to make long lasting mum friends, and I am really not a very social person at all. Parents of toddlers are often desperate for a fellow adult to talk to after a couple of years of a baby for company. It can be really isolating

Hang out at the local park, or anywhere there are other kids really. Some toddlers will make friends instantly and so just follow their lead. I had good friend for a few years simply because we rode the same route often enough for our kids to recognise each other 😂

Also recommend joining local baby and toddler groups, anything within a few streets of home so it is easy to get to. Your little one will probably be going to school with some of those toddlers, so it will also give them (and you) a head start with school friendships. IME the next few years will revolve around school, so start to seek out potential parents of classmates. If you have an idea of primary school look for baby groups in the area.

At nursery, you could organize a meet up or playdate, maybe at a nearby park? Ask your child's key worker if he has any favourite playmates. Ask if they can pass on your number to a parent.

Expect other parents of toddlers to be flakey, so don't take it personally it they suddenly drop out. OMG so many potential good days out were postponed, cancelled or ruined by unexpected grumpiness, naps, vomiting etc 😭

I have lots of non 'mum' friends but unfortunately they are all just starting to plan families so a little behind in that area. I cherish these close friendships but it is different then the play date type friendships where you might also grab a wine and wrangle the kids together!

I am in a hobby club too which I enjoy.

Stress ye not - you'll be fine. When those friends following along have their own babies you'll turn into that magic type of mum friend: the one with older children who actually has a clue what they are doing, and can help keep the baby phases in perspective.

So long as you work on being genuinely helpful, and manage not to come across as a smug know it all, your friends will become mum friends. The best sort that you actually have things in common with!