Is this abuse?

[hazelemily]

Me and my husband have been together since we were teenagers we have two children and a home together. Over the years there’s been a few things that have happened such as tripping me up a week after my c section and our baby in my arms. Hurting my arm so badly I had to go to hospital. This was all a long time ago and nothing has happened in the last 5 years. However, he recently at a wedding got drunk and punched the wall near to me; he said it was my fault because I was ignoring him. There’s been other things, ignoring me for days on end. I have come to a point where I feel so low and I’ve had enough but I feel a lot of guilt- I will be ruining our family. I also feel like I’ve betrayed him and that I’m actually the problem. I guess I’m just looking for advice or if anyone’s in similar position. It’s so hard because right now he’s being a great husband and dad and I find it so confusing. I tried to leave and now flowers have been sent.. he says he will do whatever to make it right and is sorry. Before apologising he said it was a joke or I had made him do it... any advice would be great, thank you

Yes it's abuse.
You didn't make him do anything, he's an adult and responsible for his own (re)actions.
Violence is abuse. Silent treatment is abuse.
You would not be ruining your family, his behaviours have ruined the family.
You would not be betraying him, he is betraying you, your family and his marriage vows. "Love, honour and cherish" etc.

Does he behave like that to his boss, or other people in positions of power? Because if he doesn't, then of course he can help it, and is choosing to behave that way to you.

He's doing the typical abuser script now, being nice and trying to reel you back in. Look up "the cycle of abuse" - no-one would stay if they were horrible all the time, of course they try to be nice for a while after abusive incidents to keep you in the relationship where they want you.

Him saying it's a joke or you made him do it = he is taking zero responsibility for his actions, which means it's almost impossible that he will ever change. He'll say that he'll change, but that's only to keep control.
So call women's aid and start speaking to a solicitor, find somewhere else to live, and probably start speaking to a therapist to unpack the complex emotions you'll be feeling about it.

Best of luck.

I have seen others on MN say the Freedom Programme is a waste of time, but my experience of it was good and I think it will benefit you. It’s run by Women’s Aid. I Googled it & self-referred. It really opened my eyes to what was going on in my marriage.

gosh only an absolute shit of a man would trip up a woman who has just had a section and is holding his own baby in her arms. Is he abusive in other ways OP? Financially, coercive controlling, emptionally?

i believe he is emotionally , he gaslights me and will try and change was actually happened during these scenarios. I find it very difficult to leave when it’s all historical other than punching the wall near me recently

This is abuse my love no doubt about it.

It doesn't matter when it happened - he deliberately hurt you and that is domestic violence. Punching a wall beside you is designed to frighten and intimidate you - it's very deliberate and not just losing his temper or being unable to control himself. I can't stress this enough - he is choosing to hurt, intimate and make you fearful. This is domestic abuse - it doesn't matter how much he is sorry or is nice to you in between times - it will happen again and keep happening.

OP please contact Women's Aid and make a plan to leave safely. You are not destroying your family - he has already done that. The blame is ALL his and not yours. You deserve to live in peace and safety. Your kids deserve a mum who is not living in fear of the next episode of violence. Please do get some support and leave 💐

Thank you, that’s a really helpful response. I do plan to get in touch and start counselling etc to help moving forward.