Have I ever loved the man I married…

[Makingdobadly]

Not sure really where to start with this one, been together since forever coming on twenty years and I’m questioning now have I ever truly loved him?

Got together when I was 19 and for the first year or so I was infatuated, absolutely in lust/love then it started to break down, we split for a bit, i went travelling had the time of my life but then once home we got back in contact and been together ever since. Got the house even though it didn’t feel right, had baby again probably just because everyone around me was, had second baby… the relationship has been awful for years being honest, im not sure i even like him as a person let alone love him, we have periods of ups and downs and all the little things he does just add up and then I lose my cool and sometimes in front of kids (never in a physical way) but I will start shouting at him in front of them. Actually got married just a few years ago to try and save relationship (what a bad idea that was)
I just don’t know what to do, I don’t think we’ve ever really gelled as a couple but somehow we’ve survived nearly 20 years. I can’t ever imagine growing old with him but also don’t want to split up family unit. Is this normal?
Im questioning am I the one with the problem? Is he? Or do we just not work together?

I think we’d need more info to determine whether he’s the problem because from your post, it’s you. If you’re shouting at him in front of the kids then that’s toxic, abusive behaviour. It isn’t normal, not in my experience.

Yes I do feel the relationship is toxic and I know we’re not setting a good example of what a loving relationship looks like to our children. In fact it makes me really sad as they even notice themselves that I don’t particularly like him. I know how bad that sounds but I just think it’s years of emotional neglect from him and zero connection which has turned me into someone I don’t really know anymore! He just frustrates me so much with how he his sometimes and then I react. But then I also struggle to explain his behaviour and what’s so bad about it.

Strange post. Does it matter whose fault it is?

The issue is she’s not happy and has the decide whether to split up her family. Sounds to me like the end of the road. Splits can end up making everyone happier, even the kids

It wasn’t about blame from my perspective, OP asked the question whose fault it was. Given the content of her post, it does seem as if she is the instigator.

This is a shitty example to your kids. Whatever he has done you have the power to change things.

Divorce him and make a better example to your DC about what is and isn't appropriate in adult relationships. Try marriage counselling first if you want to, but in any case take action.

I feel your pain, I had a similar time within my relationship.

For me it was a truck load of resentment that built over many many years. I was unhappy with the way my partner was treating me, the pressure of my life. It was years of my partner moaning about the state of the house, but never lifting a finger to help. Years of not getting a hug when I needed one. Years of feeling alone and looking after the four children (even though he was working full time). Eventually, I turned into a pressure cooker and exploded.

It wasn’t a healthy way to express this resentment and anger, and led to many arguments and a separation for 6 months. But, after we had counselling it got better and we have both made a big improvement. Not perfect - but better.

I think you both need some marriage counselling, and you are a massive pressure cooker. You are filled with things unsaid. It is time to say them and figure out a way from there.

Just my opinion.

Good luck OP.