Not feeling much about my marriage

[twentyyearsagotoday]

A caveat - I'm coming off Setraline, so feeling quite emotional rn but these feelings have been floating around for a couple of years if not more.
I feel ambivalent towards my marriage. It's the classic case of it's been neglected post kids and work and life to the point it's flatlined! Children now going into secondary so not sure that's an excuse anymore! He's great, helpful in house as much as possible (he's the bigger earner so I feel the split of duties is about right) but that spark has gone. We don't argue but our relationship just seems to be transactional now - where kids should be, need more milk etc. I also feel our deeper things aren't really matching - I am more of a risk taker, pine after freedom and adventure, love travelling. He is risk adverse, saves money, building for the future rather than now. Not saying either is better or worse, we are just different and that frustrates me sometimes as we aren't on the same page. I feel like he has lost his mojo and spark. All he does is work. Sometimes I feel like I wouldn't really mind if he had an affair. Our relationship feels more friends than anything else. I also am not really wanting to have sex either. Whether this is to do with feeling resentful or ambivalent or I just don't feel that way about him anymore I don't k ow. What to do! I also have no idea how it would work if we split. I basically gave everything up to look after kids and now earn peanuts. We have had a rough few years in that I got very depressed - prob found motherhood hard combined with the fact I found it very very difficult o settle where we moved to. It's not a very me place. I've come to terms with all that now but perhaps a helpful part of the story. I feel he's put up with a lot!

All marriages go through this down stage . My advice is if you feel anything positive for your husband & marriage at all do you very best to save it . It's rough on the other side and only worth the pain anxiety and stress caused by separation/ divorce if the alternative is worse .

Could you move jobs now your kids are a bit older? If you're in a boring job that could be contributing to your feelings of not being fulfilled.

My DH was on Setraline 10 years ago. I remember him telling me it dulled his feelings of love for me. He knew he loved me but he didn’t FEEL it. He hated it but at the time it was better than the alternative. I’ve never worried he would leave me and we have raised a family together. Only in the last few years as the kids have become more independent and we have spent more quality time together have I noticed his love for me return. Now we’re like teenagers again sneaky around behind our kids backs (rather than our parents). I dread to think about what would have happened if he saw me as the problem rather than the medication and the day to day stresses of having a young family.

That’s not to say that the problems you have identified aren’t issues. They are and they take work and communication from both sides to correct. But both parties need to have the same end goal — they want to protect and make better everything they have built together. You deserve to love and feel loved. But ending your relationship won’t necessarily bring you that. Investing in it could. It’s hard and sometimes it means looking inward as well as at them.

Being different can be a positive. I’m more like your husband (risk adverse, happy in my own company) and my husband is more outgoing and loves to be around people and constantly doing things. But he’s impulsive which can be great but he also needs someone to rein him in and make him feel settled and grounded. We try to meet each other in the middle and for the most part we have found it works.

If you commit to making it work then think in years not months. It’s not realistic things will change over night. But you have it in your power to view your DH differently. Walking away is always an option but it should be a last resort.

How long were you on Setraline?

My wife was on that about ten years ago and it was not fun being on the other side. It did help her combat depression but the cost was high.

It dulled all her feelings completely including how she felt about me and about the kids.

At the time I did not know that and just felt like she was checking out of the relationship.

If that was the same for your husband it may have been difficult for him to maintain the spark when all effort is greated with "meh" (thats the best way I have to describe how it felt)

If he didnt know, or even if he did, that sertraline has that effect on your emotions. It is hard to not just settle into a routine that feels more like housemates than partners. There is only so many times you can hug someone and feel no warmth returned before you involuntarily start protecting yourself by not initiating a hug, giving compliments or arranging dates.

Once off the sertraline it took a while to realise what effect it had.

I wouldnt be surprised if he still loves you and does have that spark. It just might take some work to break through the barriers. Give random hugs. Arrange dates and most importantly talk to him about what sertraline did.

I do hope you find a way to bring the spark back.

Thanks all. I feel better already! Will write more when I have some time.

Just a reminder that the grass is greener where you water it.

Sounds like your needs have been ignored (by everyone) for a long time and now you're feeling it. I don't know if you can't fix it without breaking some eggs in the process.

I feel I want to work it out. I don't know how to communicate well though. We don't do conflict and I don't want it to come out as blame as it isn't. How do you start a conversation like this?! I think he's aware things aren't right - I meant we haven't had sex in months! But it doesn't seem to bother him. Thanks again for the feedback.

I'm glad you're minded to work on it, as your DH doesn't sound like a terrible person, in fact quite the reverse!

Some questions:

1. Does he work so hard because he feels pressure as the main breadwinner?
2. It sounds like giving up work to be a SAHM might have been a good decision for your family in practical terms, but was very rough on you. What was your career before kids? Is there any way back into it or into an alternative career that would be more satisfying for you?
3. I think there has to be some middle ground between you in terms of financial caution, travel etc. Do you have a family holiday every year? Assuming you are putting plenty away for the future, is there any scope to have an extra exciting holiday next year as a kind of compromise? Doesn't have to be expensive, but you need something to look forward to and I also think it would make you feel listened to, as well.

As for how you start the conversation, I really don't know but would advise you to keep everything positive, made it abundantly clear you love him very much and your purpose is to strengthen your marriage.

Would you be open to counselling OP? A good counsellor could help you communicate better.

The no sex. That probably does bother him but his choices have been to either feel like he's putting pressure on or wait it out quietly.
That is based on you both not being very good at communicating and what I experienced with the same problems.
Start the conversation easily. There is no blame. Just say you feel like the sertraline and other factors have dampened your spark. Talk about being wanted and wanting to feel that from him and ask what he wants. Say you do want him and just go from there.

We are rubbish at communicating. Like horribly bad at it and it took us close to breaking for many reasons.

A few things that really helped when we realised this. A counselor. She was superb and got us thinking differently about ourselves and our relationship.
And an app called paired. It asks you both questions each day and you cant see the other person's answers until you have answered. We still use it now. It still starts topics off that we would never talk about.

Its not going to be easy to get back into it but it will get there with work.

Good advice from @AnonymouseDad. I can also give a few examples of things that have helped my marriage.

1. Show him don’t tell him how you want to be treated. You can’t control how he acts but you can show him how you want to be treated by living up to those standards. For example, I wanted more affection and attention so I started to give him this. At first I didn’t get much back because it had become less natural for us to behave that way. But after a while it became second nature. I started the habits I wanted to see in my marriage and over time it made a real difference.
2. Take responsibility for your own needs. It’s not up to him to read your mind or know how to make you happy. You want to go on holiday — book it. He doesn’t want to go — take a friend. You want to get fit — join the gym and tell him your new schedule. I realised I wasn’t doing things for me because I had mum guilt of putting everyone first. When I started taking time for myself I realised my DH was happy to hold the fort while I did things that made me happy and I felt less resentful for giving him the same.
3. Make each other a priority. This means making an effort to have date nights where you aren’t looking at your phones and enjoy each other’s company.
4. Intimacy. It was a huge aspect that we had neglected. We make sure we have some level of intimacy every night. It doesn’t have to be sex, it can just be lying on his chest while we watch tv. Touching is so important to connection.

Hopefully these will help you like they have me in re- establishing a connection over and above obvious conversations you will need to have about how you are feeling about your relationship. If you both know you are in it for the long haul focus on being good team mates rather than individuals trying to find individual happiness.

thanks all. lots to think over. i do want to broach it with dh but also don't want to open a can of worms, hence want to work out how to hell to communicate about it all. maybe a counsellor would be an option yes. The intimacy does bother me as i miss it but actually i don't want to with him right now, and i'm not sure why. it's probably a bit of resentment. i prefer him to initiate but he never does so i feel rejected before we've even got anywhere. and also i'm also very tired. i feel like my life is just a constant of doing things for other people still and i often feel overstimulated by the kids too so just want everyone to leave me alone by the time the day is over! I do think we're coming out of the woods with kids but omg it's been full on. we don't have any family support, actually it's me now supporting my mother really since my father died. I'm very fortunate that DH earns enough but he also works long hours, and there isn't any flexibility so I have to work around that, which has caused my career to suffer (don't want to say what in case outing. I am investigating getting back into it if I can though finding part time hours is tricky and I'm a bit worried about feeling even more stretched, but I am hopeful that with kids getting older I will be able to do it. Thousands of others do, and often have to, so I should be able to as well! I partly came off Setraline as I didn't want to feel dead anymore and I wondered if it might be affecting my sex drive. So far I just feel more moody lol but at least I am feeling some feelings. I hadn't really considered how that would have affected DH and I'm sure it has and hasn't helped, so now it's a case of damage repair I think for both of us. I am going to try tiny things like just prioritsing a film together or holding his hand, and broach the subject by being positive about it but say I want to spend more time with him and see how we go from there. Thanks again x