Feeling lonely and hopeless after separation

[Crystalrose]

I separated from my ex DH 18 months ago. We'd been married for 20 years. I decided to separate as the last few years of the marriage were hell, exDH was so stressed with work and other issues and had a mental breakdown. He became emotionally abusive and impossible to live with. He'd always struggled with his mental health throughout our marriage and I'd tried to support him as much as I could but it just got too much.

I have stayed in the family home with the (teenage) dc. ExDH rents locally and we co parent well, I'd say the split is around 65 (me) 35 (him).

We get on a lot better since separating. He is not working any more (which was a major source of his stress) and seems happy living a quiet, simple life. He has a small source of income so is managing on that.

It's great having my own space and freedom. I really enjoy that. But I feel so lonely! I miss having someone who I can talk to about my day after work, chat to while cooking dinner, watch tv/a film with. I love spending time with my dc but they are teens and often doing their own thing.

I have a few good friends and family, but somehow it's not the same. I miss being in a relationship, spending time together, intimacy. But I don't know what the answer is.

Finding a man at this age (early 50s) seems impossible. I actually randomly met a guy very soon after my ex and I split up. I thought this guy was the man of my dreams - we had amazing chemistry, I felt seen and understood in a way I hadn't done for years. We didn't even date as I felt too raw after the separation so I was just taking things slow with him. But over time I realised that he had his options open with other women, he seemed a bit of a flirt, and he didn't really seem to understand family life at all. I was feeling unsure about him, but then anyway he suddenly announced to me that he'd started a relationship with a very attractive woman in her 20s. So that massively knocked my confidence too.

I haven't dated at all and to be honest I've heard such horror stories I don't know whether I want to! It might sound strange but I've actually thought about whether I should get back with my ex. He and I both seem to have learned a lot and are now much more relaxed. I know I could go out with him to the cinema, for a meal etc and we would have a nice time. Also the huge advantage that the family unit would be back together. I wouldn't want to live with him, I would want us to keep our own places.

But on the other hand, although there's something in me that longs for that comfort and familiarity, I think I might find it a bit stifling after a while. I don't think he and I really stimulate or challenge each other. We didn't have sex for years and to be honest I'm not sexually attracted to him to him. He also is very unmotivated and low energy which used to frustrate me. But I know no one is perfect.

But is that the best I can hope for at my age?

I think I'm scared of putting myself out there. Scared of rejection. Scared I will only meet weirdos and don't want to waste my time. Also worried that I won't be able to cope with dating as well as dealing with all the other stuff in my life). But I'm feeling lonely and stuck.

Does anyone have any advice or can relate?!

It doesn’t have to be that guy, your ex or nothing! Maybe date a bit more? I met the love of my life in my late 40s :)

Reading with interest as i am thinking of separating (because he cheated) but everything is fine and he is like my best friend. Also approaching 50.
this podcast talks about how we feel like we need to rely on a man but actually we can develop fulfilling connections with friends and family that means we dont have to feel lonely. https://open.spotify.com/episode/3cTtrZmz7nvz3NSRncnc9W?si=SF7VbeRBTASSa7YQsnNAtg
i find esther perel always insightful

I would say make yourself busy finding the things you love doing. I think you probably know in your heart of hearts getting back with your ex would be like putting on a rancid pair of slippers just to warm your feet up.

it’s bound to be a massive adjustment after 20 years of having company (doesn’t sound like the company was great towards the end but I know time spent alone can magnify feelings of loneliness ) kudos to you both for managing to be amicable. This will serve the kids greatly.

for me the things I love doing are hill walking, planning hill walking, Zumba, gym classes, learning, reading and making my home more homely. There aren’t actually enough hours in the day for all the stuff I want to do. And I often think how much more difficult it would be to do the things I enjoy if I had to factor another adults needs into them. So guess I’m talking being grateful for my freedom and health. I hope you find your joy and perhaps along the way there will be someone nice you will meet but you would probably benefit from some time alone to rebuild yourself. Re the man you met who is now with a 20 something. Not all men will be like this and ideally you’d like to meet someone who wants to be with someone who is their equal. I’m sure these men do exist but I’ve not yet met one that i would be willing to give my freedom up for yet. Wishing you all the best.

Thanks, I will listen to that - I like Esther Perel too!

That must be very difficult for you if your DH cheated but he is still like your best friend.

I would say my ex and I could definitely go back to being best friends - I feel very comfortable with him and we can have a laugh together. I don't regret separating, as at the time I just could not live with his horrible behaviour, and it was affecting the dc too. But he is a lot less stressed now.

I know my ex and I aren't compatible in many ways - eg he hates going on holiday or even leaving the town we're in, he is very set in his ways, and as I said there probably wouldn't be any physical intimacy. But he also has good qualities.

I just wonder if I'm looking for the unattainable - a guy who is my best friend, who I can also have great sex with, similar values and outlook in life and minimal baggage!

That's interesting what you mentioned about not relying on a man and developing fulfilling connections with friends and family. I think that's the other thing, all my friends and family seem to be in relationships and a lot of them with children, so obviously that is their priority. I've thought maybe I need to meet some other single people whose lives are now more similar to mine.

@jimbort " I think you probably know in your heart of hearts getting back with your ex would be like putting on a rancid pair of slippers just to warm your feet up." Honestly that really made me laugh! 🤣 (probably because it's true!)

Yes exactly, I think it has been a massive adjustment after having company for 20 years. And being together as a family unit and then all the changes that have come with the separation.

That's inspiring to hear about all the things you do, I think I definitely need to focus more on those types of things. I seem to have lost my zest for life recently which is probably adding to my feelings of loneliness, but I know there are a lot of things I do enjoy doing.

And what you said about how it would be a lot more difficult to do all the things you enjoy if you had to factor in someone else's needs - yes, I totally relate! I do love the freedom and autonomy of living alone, having my space how I want it, doing what I want when I want.

I can totally relate. I’m 54, was married for 30 years. We divorced last year and he was with someone else within 6 months.
I would like someone else in my life but literally everything I’ve heard about OLD at this age is horrific and I am too bruised to deal with psychos/players. In my head it now feels like I will never find better than Ex and I was stupid to give up even though I was in a marriage very similar to yours.

I'm sorry to hear that - it's bloody difficult isn't it?! That must have been hard too that your ex got with someone else so quickly.

I feel really bruised too which is why I think I can't face dating right now. I relate to what you said about thinking you won't find anyone better than your ex - that's what I've felt too.

It's like I've now got freedom and autonomy, peace and less stress - but I'm lonely and sometimes feel sad.

When I was living with my ex I had company, we could sometimes have nice conversations, watch films together, go out together, family trips etc, he "had my back", there was a sense of security from being in a relationship - but the downside was he could be controlling, self centred, moody, angry, passive aggressive, rigid in how he wanted things etc. I was very stressed living with him.

So pros and cons of each situation, but I definitely feel better off now - even if I am lonely!

I’m 47 next month, met the love of my life at 45 through online dating. Believe me, I have some horror stories too, but they are definitely still some good ones out there. He’s my best friend, we have the most incredible sex I’ve ever had. We both have a bit of baggage, who doesn’t in their 40s with kids?! But it doesn’t affect our relationship, we support each other and have never had a single disagreement…. It’s so easy but equally so exciting between us.

I was mainly single for 7 years before that though, a few very short relationships that weren’t right or were fun but never going to go anywhere, and I got bored quite quickly or they wanted more than I did. I was just looking for someone nice to spend a couple of weekends a month with when I met him, as I was happy single, busy life and just wanted a little companionship and sex occasionally. But it was an instant connection for both of us. I never wanted to live with anyone and certainly never marry again. But now we are planning to move in, once my youngest leaves home in the next year or so and I’d marry him in a heartbeat if he asked.

My advice would be, date, have fun but don’t expect too much or search for a soulmate. Mine came along when I was least expecting it.

What is also making me think about staying rather than separating is that none of my separated friends seem to have it better. Either they feel lonely (even if they do go out a lot and have many friends) or they have relationships that last 2-3 years and break up or they did find someone else but after (new) kids and a few years then they are again on the brink of separating… maybe it is just human nature, “it’s complicated” is our default mode!!

so i am thinking, better embrace the complexity of staying with a cheating DH rather than throwing myself in the unknown which will bring a lot of complexity anyway.

saying that i woukd also agree on the “rancid pair of slippers” analogy…

it is so hard to know whats best, isnt it…

@Boleynforsoup Wow, that's so lovely to hear that you've met the love of your life! I think you're right, it is when you least expect it that someone comes along!

@Placestogo yes I agree, I think human nature and relationships will always be complicated (maybe not for everyone but for the majority!)

I totally understand how hard it must be, as you know that whether you decide to stay or leave, neither scenario will be perfect.

I think in my case I spent years wondering whether to stay or go, looking at the pros and cons of my marriage, feeling like I didn't want to stay but also didn't want to leave (in fact I think I read a book about it "Too good to leave, too bad to stay"!)

In the end my ex's behaviour and emotional abuse got so bad, my blood pressure was sky high, and I didn't feel I had any option. But I know when the situation is bad, but not too bad, and there are also good bits, and big reasons for staying - it makes a decision really hard!

I got advice on here which was - if you do leave, don't think you are automatically going to meet your soul mate, but leave thinking that you would prefer a life potentially on your own rather than with your ex. I think that's what it comes down to, and then if we ever do meet a lovely guy, that's a bonus!

i am sorry you had to go through emotional abuse and that it impacted negatively your physical health as well.
i do hope you find your way. One of my separated friends found love on OLD, the other ones (4) found love in a random chance encounter or a blind date. Say yes to things, you never know! Good luck x

OP I was in a similar position. I have some horror stories from OLD - because I was looking for my forever at first. I then decided if men can have some fun why couldn’t I. So I widened the net and very uncharacteristically decided I’d just have some good ONSs and some good sex. It was a massive confidence boost and I did enjoy it.

I’ve slowed down on the ONS stuff now - I’m more confident by myself, and in my own skin (part of the nervousness for me was having been with someone for 30 years and not having been naked with any for such a long time). Body confidence was rock bottom.

I found someone lovely who I’m very good friends with. The timing is not right - I’m not comfortable with his haphazard employment, and I worked hard to own and pay off my own home.

I understand exactly where you’re coming from. I’ve been divorced for years now, but I’m also happy to be alone for now. But I’d like to find someone of a similar mindset to me, and not be alone forever. It’ll probably happen when we least expect it.

@NNforthispost yes, when I first separated from my ex, I also had the idea that whoever I met would be my soul mate and "forever" person. I think I was just in that mindset of a long term, committed relationship. Which I think is partly why I was gutted when that other guy I mentioned ended up dating a 20 something instead of me - I'd felt sparks and connection with him so I'd thought, this is it, he's the one!! 🤦‍♀️

I totally agree with you about changing the mindset and having fun. I actually think it would be good to have some lighthearted dates and just have a laugh. And I can relate to what you said about body confidence being at rock bottom. That's where mine is now, I cannot imagine getting naked with anyone, and really feel like I need to lose weight and tone up before I could even consider doing that! 🤣

For a long term relationship, it does feel a bit like a needle in a haystack. Out of the available single men around my age, how many of them will there be mutual attraction with, compatible lives and personalities, not to mention they would need to be financially self sufficient etc...

But I think as you say, meeting someone compatible will probably happen when we least expect it!