Also posted in aibu, but may be better suited here:
I’m struggling a bit and would appreciate some perspective.
My husband is a good man in many ways. He works hard, full time from home, and he’ll often mow the lawn on his lunch break, do DIY jobs, fix things around the house and put a load of washing on. He does all the cooking because he’s always mocked my cooking, and we take it in turns with bedtime. He also walks the dogs a few times a week.
But when it comes to actual cleaning, he barely does any. He’ll occasionally run the hoover round if it desperately needs doing, and might clean a bathroom once or twice a year if I ask — but that’s about it. I do all the rest: dusting, bathrooms, general cleaning, tidying, laundry, sorting clothes, etc. It’s a lot.
We both work — him full time, me full time during school hours — but between work, nursery runs, cooking for our child, then us, washing, tidying, bedtime, and trying to keep the house running, there’s just no time left. I often feel like I can’t even do simple things like put my own clothes away without having to “ask” or justify why I’m disappearing upstairs for 20 minutes.
Tonight I went upstairs to do some laundry, put clothes away, and take my makeup off — and he said, “You disappeared.” It’s like I’m supposed to announce every move I make.
What’s frustrating is that if he wants to do something (DIY, workout, etc.) he just goes and does it. No discussion, no guilt. But if I want to get things done, it’s like I have to make sure it fits around him and our child. I end up leaving everything until she’s in bed, by which point I’m exhausted.
I also can’t help but notice lately that he spends a lot of time on his phone. Earlier I heard our daughter calling him repeatedly — 7 or 8 times — to look at something she was doing, and he completely ignored her because he was watching videos. I don’t think he realised I was within earshot. It’s becoming a bit of a pattern.
He’s a good dad and partner in many ways, but I’m starting to feel like we’re not a team anymore. He says he “copes by joking” and I’m “too sensitive” if I take offence — but sometimes his “jokes” feel like little digs or put-downs. I’m just feeling worn down and like my needs or time don’t matter as much as his.
AIBU to feel like this isn’t fair? Is this just how things go when both people work full time, or is he being a bit selfish? I’m not looking to slate him, I just feel overwhelmed and unsure what’s normal anymore.