Hi, I’m a single 25 year old female and I’ve got a long term friend I’ve had since I was about 12. I am feeling conflicted about my friendship with her, and was wondering if anybody had any advice regarding my feelings about her and how to better improve myself. I am diagnosed autistic for context (alongside psychosis), I have a career in the civil service so I am okay for jobs, but relationships I find a lot more difficult. Am waiting to go on clozapine on the nhs.
i have concerns, as babyish as this may sound, that my friend is better than me and my future partner will fall in love with her for whatever reason. She’s beautiful and kind and much much more popular than I am, and I guess I’m frighteningly insecure that as soon as he meets her they will start an affair.
i try and work out where this feeling is coming from, and I’m taking a stab in the dark and guessing it might come from how she treated me at school. She was quite immature at school and used to be childish and bully me a bit - stick wax in my hair, call me a dopey shit, hide and hack into my phone etc. but these things don’t bother me anymore and I recognise she was just a teenager. It doesn’t hurt me anymore, and I even find it funny - she grew up though and became a lovely person.
she has adhd and is very social and extroverted. She’s blonder and taller than me, but we look quite similar, one teacher used to think we were cousins!!
but now we’re older things have changed and I feel I’ve slipped in my attractiveness physically (I’ve gained weight, have acne scars) while she’s become even more beautiful. And I had an issue at school where someone felt I was bullying them (long story) and I don’t feel I have that good of a reputation anymore, whereas she hasn’t put a foot wrong as an adult and I envy her for that.
i suppose I just compare myself and feel it’s cosmically aligned that she will marry my soulmate or whatever rubbish I come up with that I believe, I just don’t feel as worthy as her because of the mistakes I have made.
We haven’t seen each other in two years, and keep in touch every so often on instagram through likes and sometimes messages. She takes a while to respond but I understand she’s got adhd and may find it overwhelming.
I just don’t know what to do because I do feel like a really bad friend for feeling this way, so jealous of her and her success in life.
I’ve tried therapy but it hasn’t really worked for me. I haven’t really connected with that many therapists, and the ones I have connected with tell me this is anxiety (and maybe psychosis) even though they’ve been lovely and none have been horrible per say. One wasn’t really very good. I just have almost an intuitive feeling that she will marry my ‘one’, though I know this might just be a romanticised ideal.
im not ready to date, but just feel when it all happens and I find someone it will all fall apart. She’s so so lovely and wouldn’t do anything to hurt me, but has been the focus of my paranoia as I had baseless beliefs she slept with my exes and also my crush from secondary school (I wouldn’t mind if she slept with that crush but the exes I would be a bit miffed about) but at the time I was more than a bit miffed and was convinced one of my boyfriends (very short lived, more of a fling) had an affair with her. I’m over that paranoid line of thought now, but it has instead transformed itself into a fear of the future and it happening for certain in the future.
Even though I know some ideas in this post might be a bit childish - does anyone have any advice on how to not be so paranoid about her, and feel better about myself? Do you think she will continue her bad behaviours from childhood into adulthood, even though she’s changed? How likely do you think it is that my hypothetical future partner will fall in love with her? What will I do if that happens? If I’m honest that’s what scares me the most.
thank you!