Horrific parents, still struggling almost 50 years on

[Biculturalfamily]

Has anyone had terrible parents and actually managed to move on? I just had a stressful project at work. It was successful but was intense for 4 weeks or so. For me, it seems that any stress of any kind brings the worst memories of my childhood back. I remember all the shame and all the hatred I felt growing up. It just overwhelms me. And it feels so ridiculous to be responsible for anyone or anything when I feel like such a piece of crap. My mother has never smiled at me. She has never given me a compliment. She used to say " bad weeds grow fast" when someone commented on my height. She used to say "she has nothing else to do but study" when I did well in exams. When I told her about work success She said "I suppose you think you are important". She told me I was evil. I have a picture on my wedding day with her that I asked my friend to take deliberately to capture how miserable she looked, when I was really beautiful, so that I could remember that she's insane. She still gets to me though. I can't shake off the utter contempt she expressed to me. Obviously she was abused herself growing up but,tbh, now that my kids are teens, I am even angrier than ever and have no sympathy for her. I think I may be a miserable mum, with a million depressive episodes, but I am not cruel like she was to me. I married a man with little appetite for affection. Naturally, how could I accept an affectionate relationship? He is a good guy and he did/ does love me but gets furiously angry with me when I get sad about my past or stressed about my work. Looking to the future, I wish my children freedom to move on from life with me and strength to.unravel this crap that I have burdened them with. I am furious that my parents are still alive and could turn up at any moment. I blocked their messages at least because any message can unsettle me. My kids would probably be better off without me at this point though taking my own life would cause too many problems. I don't know how to stick around and fake it though. But I need to. How do I let this go? How can I stop feeling like such a horrible piece of crap and wrong at everything? Are there therapies that actually work? Should I try to get medications? I take sertraline at 50mg but obviously that's not working. I see a counsellor who is very sympathetic but doesn't help to make a change in how i feel. Is there something concrete that I can do to make a change?

Hi, im so sorry, I can hear how desperate you are. Does your Counsellor know the depths of your feelings, as it sounds like you need specialist help. I’m also concerned about your husband as ‘little affection’ and ‘furiously angry’ sound like red flags, what does your Counsellor say about him? Wishing you peace, it’s a hard burden.

OP - you have done so well after being horribly let down by your parents as a child. You likely carry developmental trauma, that’s why you feel sad and worthless. Sounds like you have broken the cycle with your own children and have been a loving parent, you have done so much better than your abusive parents.

Your children need you! You are precious and worthy of love and care.

You need a counsellor experienced in developmental trauma. Your parents didn’t give you a secure loving base growing up, they failed you. Your anger is completely understandable. Absolutely be outraged on behalf of your younger self but do not turn it inwards. Don’t poison yourself.

The stressful work project.. you were not taught how to self regulate as a child. You didn’t receive any comfort or the chance to talk through your worries, so you probably feel quite panicked and vulnerable when faced with stress. This is understandable, but you can learn to self regulate through re parenting yourself. Give to yourself what those useless parents of yours failed to do for you.

I'm sorry you've been through this. My childhood was violent, I was made to think it was all my imagination when I inevitably had a breakdown at aged 16, I was on Prozac for a decade, then tried counselling. Didn't click with first counsellor, so I found another and although I saw her for a year or so, I would say it went a long way to make me better and off medication. (Not that medication is a bad thing at all).

Things I learned that helped me:

You can't do anything about the past, but you can do something about the now and your future. I could have let my abuse swallow up more decades of my life, or I could stick my two fingers up at my past and start to work on me and my self esteem and become happy and successful.

Surround yourself with good people. It sounds obvious, but honestly, I love my friends more than some of my family. My friends are my real family. After a childhood of being treated like shit and being told you're shit, you believe it. So cut people that bring you down out of your life and surround yourself with people who lift you up. Honestly, I think your partner sounds like he isn't a person who deserves you in his life.

Acknowledge your successes. What you have achieved in life is DESPITE of your difficult start to life, which shows resilience, bravery and strength. Give yourself kudos for that.

Recognise behaviour patterns. I live my life very differently to my mum, I wasn't going to go down that same path. I now find I get a good measure of people and if I see behaviours that I recognise as unhealthy, I back off from those people.

Remember none of what happened to you was your fault. I was told I was a bitch as a girl and deserved it. Yep, deserved my 16st 6ft stepdad beating the crap out of my tiny 8 year old frame. I don't care if I was The Omen, I now realise I was a child and I am not to blame.

Take time to be thankful for what you have and not on what you didn't have or don't have. But if there's things you want that is achievable and it will help you be happy, then go for it.

Keep talking to loved ones and a counsellor. You eventually feel like you've got it all out and it feels much less significant and no longer casts a shadow.

Finally, don't beat yourself up for feeling like you do. It takes time to heal.

Good luck.

Op its ok to be nice to you, do something nice just for you,
You have ewful parents op there ewful not you, your a good mum trying to understand how there could be so mean and nasty op that's on them not you,

It's OK to be kind to you don't let them spoil you now, you have a heart op

Your seeing your childhood through your children this brings all the trauma back op,

Are your children happy, do you laugh with them, support their wishes, give them a hug and be thankful your a better parent than they were to you,
Please look after yourself op , go get the biggest bunch of flowers because by God you deserve them and more,

I have nothing useful to add to the excellent messages above, but FWIW I would like to bet that your children don't think their lives would be better without you. You have kept your parents away from your children, you have their best interests at heart, you have broken the cycle. You have also clearly made a huge success of your life. That's possibly the best answer to your mother - she failed to break you despite her best efforts, because you're simply too much of a person to be brought down by someone like her. Unlike your mother, you deserve your children's love.

The way your DH behaves when you need love, support and encouragement, sounds like he might be a terrible reminder in some ways, of how your mother treated you, and that is not at all healthy.

Hi OP - I can relate to so much of what you have written and im sorry you are in a really difficult place at the moment. Like you I was carrying lots of trauma from childhood and also found work stress brought things to the surface, and one day it just became too much, I thought I was burned out and but I was diagnosed with PTSD. The memories kept resurfacing to the point I could no longer hold them back.
I had almost 12 months of therapy and EMDR treatment with a trauma specialist. I hadn't realised the extent to which things that happened 35 or 40 years ago were affecting so many aspects of my life.
I also opened up to people in real life, do you have people around you who can support you?
But please remember that you have made the most important step already by breaking the circle of abuse, so you are already so much better that your own mother so please try to go easy on yourself, it will take time but you can heal.

You don't want your children to feel like you do do you? Let go of the past, go completely nc either your parents and concentrate on now amd the future

I wouldn't say i've entirely moved on but i am able to see that i am nothing like them. My dm can be a cruel, nasty woman and is incapable of love. I think one of my turning points was realising she was like this as a dc. It wasn't about me or my siblings.

I get a lot of comfort from podcasts on Spotify - things like The Crappy Childhood Fairy, or anything on narcissistic parents. There is also a lot on Youtube. They remind me that it's not me, it's them. I visualise them standing in one place and me, dh and dc in another. We are good people and they are not. Sounds a bit crazy but i hope it helps. It's a horrible thing to deal with, i have every sympathy. Try and look after yourself.

OP, your husband is triggering you which is really bad for you.
Well done for blocking their messages.
Please try journaliing your emotions daily.
Putting words to how you feel, does help.
I think you need to see your GP about how you feel.
There will be huge relief when they are dead.
The finality and freedom will comfort you.
You can learn to pity them.
They wasted their one life being nasty and ugly.

Your children need you, but I would be hugely concerned you are with an emotionally abusive controlling man that is triggered you.
We are here for you, do keep posting.

Have you ever heard about your inner child? You have to treat yourself like you would treat your child self. Be gentle, kind and understanding when things are tough. Not give yourself any extra hard time because things didn't go to plan. You are not your mother and you are not your mother's cruel words.
I agree with surrounding yourself with good people. Don't tolerate any mean, cruel or dramatic behaviour from anyone.
Strive for peace, contentment and finally happiness.
Take joy in the simple things because life is tough and you need to find moments of calm in the chaos. Today I watched the waves crash on the beach on a windy day and watched the clouds skid over the moon at night.
Your kids need you and I'm sure you're a much better parent than you think.
Find ways to relax and destress between busy work commitments etc. Everyone needs down time and you need to not let yourself feel guilty about needing rest, particularly if you grew up in an always on household. Relaxation is as important to health as sleep is.
And hard as it is you need to remind yourself of all the things you've accomplished. That if you're in a depressive funk, you got out before and you'll get out this time. I know it's tough to keep cycling through the emotions. My last down time was January and I'm dreading winter again. That's why I'm making those most of autumn activities whilst it's still light outside.

Solidarity. It’s very hard. I had seven or eight years of therapy, take Citalopram and have a cannabis prescription for anxiety, so I’ve done the hard yards.

It gets better. I have a lovely life now. I’m very close to my adult kids, I have excellent friendships and a job I love. But I have to watch my relationships like a hawk, and I’ve become almost brutal at cutting off people who don’t treat me well. I’ve taken enough shit, now.

The thing that bugs me the most is the wasted potential. I’ll never known who I’d have been with proper nurturing. I’m bright, but I’ve never progressed in my career and earn next to bog all. Luckily, the one thing she gave me was an inheritance. I’d rather have had the tools to make my own money though - but you need a strong sense of self worth and good coping mechanisms for that.

Therapy, medication and good people around you, OP. You are here, loved by your kids and living a good life, despite it all. Fuck ‘em.

I have a little experience with this (although not quite so bad, I'm sorry). Therapy made me realise that what I needed to do to move on was to grieve the parents I never had and never would. There was still a part of me which was desperately holding out for some sort of turnaround, I guess it was the inner child as PP has mentioned. But what I needed to do was accept the loss, and then build relationships based on love for myself. It sounds simple but letting go is really, really hard because it forces you to shred any hope, and if been living on hope.
People do end up repeating parental dynamics in their own relationships, it's good that you've clocked that.
What kind of therapy are you having? If you're ready to do he work I'd look into psychodynamic therapy.
Please be kind to yourself. You weren't given something fundamental, and that wasn't your fault.

You need the right counsellor who specialises in trauma . I had a life like you and was also v angry and upset where it affected my life so much ( this is normal) .not until I saw a trauma therapist did I heal. Look up inner child therapy too . Get the right therapist and you will get your life back but it may take time , be kind to you also you’ve experienced a lot of pain

This, my mum hated me and if my DH did this when I felt sad about that it would have made the distress last longer. He actually helped me to heal by being open and reassuring. I don’t even think about my childhood anymore. I’m not sure your DH is good for you.

You do need a psychologist or psychiatrist, honestly it really helps when you find the right one. I’m sorry OP it’s fucking shit, it feels like you can never escape, but you can.

Try a good psychologist who specialises in EMDR -it seemed to work for me

Thank you for all the kindness. I am sorry that so many of you had the same experience. About my husband, I hear the criticism and I criticise him too but I wonder if I am really hard to deal with, because of this wound. The difficulty of dealing with someone with my mood swings needs to be recognised. He is furious that I doubt his good intentions and says that he has always supported me but that the way I firstly allow myself to spiral under stress and secondly, blame him when I don't get the response or support from him that I want, is causing massive difficulties for the family atmosphere. I need some really effective intervention to break this pattern. Someone talked about learning self regulation and that is very true. But I wonder about EMDR or somatic therapy, what do those things actually do? I tried EMDR before but it really wasn't convincing at all. I think the therapist was well meaning but not effective. Alternatively, I wonder if am increase in sertraline could dumb all these feelings down.

I'm so sorry OP, this is beyond wrong that she did that to you. I'm wondering, could you go to family therapy with your kids? I'm not suggesting that you delve into all your issues in front of them, but if breaking the generational cycle is a concern for you, it could be a way to give them context for your current family dynamics in a supportive environment, and it might be healing for you to know you are are breaking that cycle - as I'm sure you already are, but we could all use some support doing it. Just a thought anyway, forgive me if it's way off-base.

I would look into EMDR as quite possible you have C-PTSD. And a different therapist. If the one you see isn’t helping to get you unstuck, shake things up and see someone new.

Trauma is stored in the body so absolutely process your emotions somatically, through stretching, Pilates or yoga, basically movement. You can do a class or you tube video at home. Practice your breathing as well.

a good book you may find helpful is, The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel Van Der Kolke. I wonder if you have experienced chronic health issues over the years, IBS, muscle tension, headaches?

I’m not sure if this is appropriate as I think the OP’s kids are teens or even if they are adults the trauma is from OP’s childhood not the present family home. OP needs to begin this work alone, and start her processing and hopefully healing.

Op - do you have contact with your parents?

Thanks for this recommendation. I will get that book. Ideally, I'd love a practical example of how to do this movement therapy at home. I don't have much faith in finding the right person to coach me through this. I go to yoga occasionally at the gym but we don't talk about childhood trauma much there :). Are there good videos for somatic therapy online? How do you harness exercise to help deal with the negative thoughts? Are the two supposed to be dealt with together or is it a case of a healthier body, a healthier mind?

As for illnesses, when I was younger I used to have bowel problems all the time. Now, I am fatigued and oversleep too much. Of course I'm getting older too so some of this can be attributed to that. Even when it comes to exercise, I hear my mother's voice berating me for sitting around all day or mocking me for trying something new. It's hard not to start from a place of shame.

Movement therapy - don’t get too focused on a particular technique or method, just start moving, you can start now, just stand up and start stretching. Somatic work won’t involve talking, so don’t expect talking therapy during a yoga lesson. It’s about you focusing on the body and moving out of your head space. You don’t need coaching, just search for something on you tube as a start. It’s instinctive.

its about you (re) connecting to your body, let’s face it, it holds it all, when you were a child, before you were verbal and then once a bit older, you couldn’t articulate how you felt, but your body was processing, and reacting, to everything. Start noticing how, or who, your body reacts to.

Another one here advocating for EMDR.

i have complex childhood PTSD and saw a trauma specialist who did EMDR, and it really genuinely helped. This was after 3-4 different talking therapies which I didn’t find helpful. EMDR genuinely changed my reactions and feelings to certain memories. Sending you love x

I can relate to your post. My mum was a piece of shit who let all of her children be abused.
She’d regularly tell me she hated me, wished I’d died at birth, should have had an abortion.. I was 7 years old.
I’m no contact and that helped massively. I’ve had therapy but didn’t find it hugely helpful.
I also react badly to stress/work situations ect.
I just tell myself that it’s unrealistic that I’m ever going to have the responses as someone who has had a normal and loving upbringing, how could we when we spent our developing years just trying to survive? Try not to be so hard on yourself, it’s not your fault.