How do I stop my anger at ExH damaging my relationship with DC?

[Quantumfisiks]

My ExH is vile. He is narcissistic and abusive, and put me through a bitter and protracted divorce process. He argues against every parenting decision to the detriment of our DC ( secondary age).

he uses the DC as a tool, and refuses to take them to their clubs if I ‘misbehave’. He pays nothing towards the kids’ activities.( as we are technically 50/50, there’s no child support, but he does nothing other than feed them)

anyone who has been witness to his abusive behaviour towards me can see him for what he is and have been very supportive.

the thing is, my DC ( both boys) think he’s great. They love us equally ( which I’m fine about) but my XH remains manipulative. He is telling my DC that I was the cause of our long divorce. I have told them that isn’t true and have tried to explain in an age appropriate way that their father’s behaviour towards me is unacceptable.

My eldest told me ‘he doesn’t know who to believe’ even though he loves us both.

i had a family event with my DC this afternoon. My ex has decided that he needs to call the DC for long chats as a way to disrupt this event ( he often doesn’t call for days if DC are with me).

I’m ashamed to say I snapped at my eldest, told him to get off the phone. And said his dad is being manipulative. He was upset I shouted at him ( he’s 13) and now I feel awful.

ive apologised and he is fine, but I hate doing this to my kids. I’m just so frustrated that they can’t see their father for who he is, but he is also successfully making me look like the ‘bad one’

how do I tackle this?

Unplug the phone during events. Mobiles off and away.
If he won’t take them to a club then they miss it. That’s on him. Not you.
If he blames you. You don’t try and blame him. You say you’re sorry he said that to the kids. It’s not appropriate for adults to discuss their relationship with kids like this. The relationship broke down. You both still love the kids. End of.
Stop playing his games.

Thanks @Wolfiefan - that was the advice I needed to hear

Are you with a solicitor? My friend went through this with her ex and she had something in place with solicitors and law he wasn't to use the kids in this way or destroy relationship etc.

@MysticalPombear have been with solicitors for ages. I haven’t heard of anything specific that can be done about this.

there are things I can do to limit his behaviour - such as non molestation orders

I think its best to be strictly business when dealing with toxic people we cannot avoid.

@wolfiefan gave some good advice.

For contacting solicitors- maybe this has helped some but it's not something easily enforced and may just trigger further problematic behavior in future.

Also think of the long game. When your children are older, even by late teens, they will likely start to see some of the things you see.

My dad was like this and I saw my mother being bounced about by his awful behaviour. That is where the advice came from. OP I bet your kids will eventually see him for what he is. You just focus on your relationship with them.