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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

BIL left his wife and wanted to stay with us I said no.

33 replies

Cantmindmyown · 04/10/2025 19:40

DH thinks I’m wrong. I don’t want to facilitate this as I don’t agree with BIL leaving her when she is vulnerable (breakdown due to a late loss).

BIL turned up asking to stay at ours ‘for a while’ and stated that he just can’t cope with her depression and neediness anymore that he feels suffocated. MIL has been on the phone saying we need to support him. Nobody is concerned about his wife though ??!! I told DH that no - he can’t stay here he needs to go home and support his wife.

Should I message her to see if she’s ok ? Will that make things worse ? Or does she need to know she has support and someone who actually cares how she is. I don’t want to embarrass her that we know they’ve had problems but equally I don’t want to do nothing .

OP posts:
Shouldbeworkingnotreadingtalk · 04/10/2025 19:41

You sound lovely. Support her. ❤️

PluirinSneachta · 04/10/2025 19:42

Why can’t he go and stay with mil?

Itdoesntmatteranyway · 04/10/2025 19:42

Agree. Support her. He’s an arse

LoftyRobin · 04/10/2025 19:42

I think the best thing to do to give their marriage the best chance of survival is to let him stay and support her, too. He isnt any good to her if he feels he has to leave but that could change with a bit of space and perspective.

You know you want them to be together and him to support her. Whoever else does take him in might not want that.

beautyobessed · 04/10/2025 19:43

Support her. She has a miscarriage??? And he left her?!!!

LoftyRobin · 04/10/2025 19:43

Do remember that however he is responding, he is also dealing with a late loss. That informs his actions.

Original poster
Cantmindmyown · 04/10/2025 19:44

PluirinSneachta · 04/10/2025 19:42

Why can’t he go and stay with mil?

I suggested this but MIL lives 3 hours away so I think he’s just trying to stay at the most convenient place . Dh has taken him out ‘to talk’ (translates to the pub). I’m going to text and see if there’s anything I can do even if she wants to just chat or for me to pop round or even if she doesn’t I just want her to know she’s not alone.

OP posts:
TakeMe2Insanity · 04/10/2025 19:45

Oh my goodness you sound like a lovely SIL. I really struggled with a 20 week miscarriage and was probably the darkest period in my life. Please love your sil, and knock sense in to your bil she needs him so much right now.

Robertplantgoddess · 04/10/2025 19:45

He has his reasons for leaving that you don't agree with but he obviously would be no support anyway for her. You absolutely sound the sort of person we could all do with- checking in at her lowest point is wonderful. You don't have to take sides in as much as you can support her without running down b in law - just say you dont agree and leave it there.

LoftyRobin · 04/10/2025 19:45

Cantmindmyown · 04/10/2025 19:44

I suggested this but MIL lives 3 hours away so I think he’s just trying to stay at the most convenient place . Dh has taken him out ‘to talk’ (translates to the pub). I’m going to text and see if there’s anything I can do even if she wants to just chat or for me to pop round or even if she doesn’t I just want her to know she’s not alone.

Show quote history

Yes as a couple, you can really support both parties.

Cynic17 · 04/10/2025 19:46

Why can't you support both of them? It's not "either/or". Let the brother stay for a few days, but also get in touch with his wife, offer help, listen to her etc.
This guy needs compassion, as does his wife.

Original poster
Cantmindmyown · 04/10/2025 19:46

LoftyRobin · 04/10/2025 19:42

I think the best thing to do to give their marriage the best chance of survival is to let him stay and support her, too. He isnt any good to her if he feels he has to leave but that could change with a bit of space and perspective.

You know you want them to be together and him to support her. Whoever else does take him in might not want that.

I think if he had come in and had been any way other than seeming pissed off and angry at his grieving wife I’d have felt more agreeable but he was just being horrible. If he had said he just needed some space and could he stay a night or two it might have been different but his attitude wasn’t nice

OP posts:
FuzzyWolf · 04/10/2025 19:46

But he has also experienced a late loss. Why can’t you support both of them?

When we experienced a neonatal loss, we grieved in very different ways. Sometimes both people being supported through their grief is the right thing to do as they need to be able to deal with it to be able to see if they can come back to their relationship afterwards.

Original poster
Cantmindmyown · 04/10/2025 19:47

Cynic17 · 04/10/2025 19:46

Why can't you support both of them? It's not "either/or". Let the brother stay for a few days, but also get in touch with his wife, offer help, listen to her etc.
This guy needs compassion, as does his wife.

Maybe dh will be able to get through to him. I just couldn’t be around someone talking the way he was.

OP posts:
Elektra1 · 04/10/2025 19:48

A horrible situation for both of them. I think a lot of men feel they’re supposed to “stay strong” and support their partner but of course, they’ve lost their baby too. I’d let him stay, encourage DP to encourage him to go back home, and in the meantime you support her in your own way. It’s not a time to take sides or see his actions as abandoning her (unless there’s a back story). People deal with grief and loss differently, I think some latitude is required here. At least for a while.

breakdown98765 · 04/10/2025 19:48

We only know 1% of what’s going on here.

But I would feel inclined to let him stay and drip into his ear until he finds sense and goes back/supports his wife.

intrepidpanda · 04/10/2025 19:48

Are you in a position that you could you move in with her for a bit support? It is very difficult dealing with someone who is depressed and needing support. He could just need some respite. It's no different to people supporting those with physical disabilities. It doesn't make him a bad person if he is struggling to cope

LoftyRobin · 04/10/2025 19:48

Cantmindmyown · 04/10/2025 19:46

I think if he had come in and had been any way other than seeming pissed off and angry at his grieving wife I’d have felt more agreeable but he was just being horrible. If he had said he just needed some space and could he stay a night or two it might have been different but his attitude wasn’t nice

Show quote history

Right but he's also grieving and that's how angry people grieve. As a midwife, Ive seen couples lash out at each other in their grief and it would be easy to judge the "lasher" for the things they can say through pain and confusion. But you cant. They're dealing with a tragic event and a monumental loss of control and power. You can only try and keep a bridge between them.

Lighteningstrikes · 04/10/2025 19:49

You’re made of good stuff.
I would support her.

Original poster
Cantmindmyown · 04/10/2025 19:49

I’ll try to take a step back from my frustration with BIL then as like you say he’s grieving too. It just sounded so unkind how he spoke about her that it immediately annoyed me. I’ll try to be more understanding to them both

OP posts:
NameChange1212 · 04/10/2025 19:50

Please support her. Hopefully your husband will come round too. BIL and MIL sound terrible. Is there any possibility BIL is having a stress reaction and will become supportive or is he foul?

Original poster
Cantmindmyown · 04/10/2025 19:50

LoftyRobin · 04/10/2025 19:48

Right but he's also grieving and that's how angry people grieve. As a midwife, Ive seen couples lash out at each other in their grief and it would be easy to judge the "lasher" for the things they can say through pain and confusion. But you cant. They're dealing with a tragic event and a monumental loss of control and power. You can only try and keep a bridge between them.

Show quote history

Yes you’re right thankyou I really appreciate the advice . It’s just hard to see them suffering

OP posts:
GoldBalonz · 04/10/2025 19:52

I told DH that no - he can’t stay here he needs to go home and support his wife

If dh tried telling me I 'wasn't allowed' to have one of my sisters here to stay a night then he'd be finding somewhere else to sleep the night himself.

Original poster
Cantmindmyown · 04/10/2025 19:53

NameChange1212 · 04/10/2025 19:50

Please support her. Hopefully your husband will come round too. BIL and MIL sound terrible. Is there any possibility BIL is having a stress reaction and will become supportive or is he foul?

BIL is MIL youngest and was totally spoilt and there’s a strained relationship anyway so that doesn’t help. She will get involved and criticise anything if she has a chance. I’ve messaged dh to say see how things go and if he just needs a night or two to calm down here that’s ok but can he try to talk to him and get him to see he really needs to be with his wife. but obviously if they both want and need space we will sort it out and help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantmindmyown · 04/10/2025 19:54

GoldBalonz · 04/10/2025 19:52

I told DH that no - he can’t stay here he needs to go home and support his wife

If dh tried telling me I 'wasn't allowed' to have one of my sisters here to stay a night then he'd be finding somewhere else to sleep the night himself.

Yes I think I just had a huge reaction to how mean BIL was being and I have a low tolerance for that kind of thing he came in ranting and it wasn’t nice. Having had some time to think and reading these responses I can see that it might be that he’s expressing his grief this way .

OP posts: