It's getting worse and worse

[Lifeasitis91]

previously posted about my ex!
I just feel like the situation is becoming unbearable and I feel like I'm being seen as controlling when I'm trying to protect my DC

My ex hasnt seen her for a month, he let her down twice, it was her birthday 2 weeks ago he came 2 hours late, and stayed no more than 30 mins, she was really upset when he went as she wanted to "hang out" and play with him.
His phone "broke" a day after her birthday he was supposed to take her out for the day on this day, he failed to turn up and no message. She cried most of the day.
We didn't hear from him until Thursday, I previously asked his mum if she could get a message to him, she was the one who told me that his phone was broken, and magically 2 hours later his phone was working and he called.
No apology, not that I was expecting one but he just stated that he would be with us on Sunday to collect his daughter at 12.
I asked for a 5.00pm return - but today when I walked past my local train station I saw that the station is closed tomorrow and there is a rail replacement service to the next station which takes about 30 mins which will he will be able to get the train back into London.
I know that he will take my DD to his gf house tomorrow, but I have asked him (he ignored me) considering the train station is closed and his gf lives hours away from me, I don't think it's fair to make his daughter do 3 hours travelling to sit down at his gf house for 2 hours or less - if his gf and her children want to see her, then could they not all get in the car and drive down so my DD isn't the person being dragged around.
She hasn't seen her dad for a month, he told her a few weeks ago he would collect her from school - every day she asks if he's collecting her but I just say 'not today' he's completely forgotten he's told her this, she's heartbroken.

She asked me the other day if her "dad still likes her" I said of course, why do you say that, she said "because he doesn't want to see me, and never calls"
I didn't know what to say but ensured her she was loved and that really wasn't the case and allowed to her to feel and say what she wanted.

I have a feeling he will let her down tomorrow, it's a sick feeling in my gut that won't pass

The only reason why he pays CM is because it's taken straight from his pay, but that was a fight in itself.
I didn't receive any money last week, CM notified me that he was no longer in employment yesterday - and he confirmed that on Thursday, just said he lost his job.
I know he's got savings, he refused to give £50.00 for the next few weeks - told me to f off

Help, please advise
Won't do mediation, offered 4 times every time he's refused to engage

I’m so sorry. I have no experience but didn’t want you to go unanswered.

What I would suggest though is asking @MNHQto move this over to the Relationship Section as it’s very clearly an Ex problem and not a DD problem

@MNHQ please can you move this across

Your daughter's figuring out that what her dad's doing by ignoring her and blowing her off isn't what love looks like. It's a harsh lesson to learn but valuable.

Don't lie to her. Deflect. You don't know what he feels. Talk about what love does look like. Showing up. Keeping your word. Being trustworthy. That's also a really valuable lesson to learn.

How old is she?

@outerspacepotato she's just turned 8, she's more than aware that dad lives with 4 other children, she thinks he likes/loves them more than her, when in reality he only loves himself.

He did call last night, while we were out in a restaurant for my sister's birthday - told her he was taking her swimming and asked her if she was looking forwards to it, she said yes but he was also on his way out last night so whether he actually turns up on on time is another story.

Your poor daughter, I feel so sad for her. I don’t think there is much you can do, you can’t force him to engage with her. I would focus on giving her all the love and support you can. My father was absent most of my childhood and my mum really stepped up. As an adult I can see how much she did for me and it’s clear which parent cared and deserves my time and attention now.

For gods sake don’t lie to her. Be honest with her. But mostly work in her critical thinking skills. Ask her what she thinks. Ask her how she would act in the circumstances etc.

I really don't lie to her, I know what she thinks she tells me, she thinks he doesn't love her or like her and would rather spend time with his gf and her children, they are all coming today with him.
I can't force him to spend one on one time with her, I've asked and he's ignored me, he simply doesn't want to. He states that she has a fantastic time with the other children so what's the problem! Then disappears for 3 or more weeks, So I give up he won't budge on that.

I agree stop covering for him. aid she wants answers she needs to ask him!

Why didn’t daddy stay? I don’t know you need to ask him that! Then add, but i’m here and we can do X.

She’s not stupid -

But you need to stop yelling daddy is coming - you get her ready and if he doesn’t show within 15 mins - you go out and do something.

That way you aren’t hanging round waiting for him.

Also,I wouldn’t pester him and tell him what to do!

He told her that he was coming, then didn't turn up.
I've learned not to tell her that, as he lets her down so much.

I often say, I don't know or not today you'll have to speak to daddy but then he doesn't call or his phone is off when we call or he ignores her call and then calls back 2/3 days later.

I don't pester him, we don't speak I leave it to him to call her/get in touch with me - he hardly does

There's a saying called dropping the rope. This means you ignore or stop thinking about him and concentrate on DD and yourself. If he keeps making plans and then not following through you could tell him you will stop making DD available and he needs to go to court for access. Of course he could still flake afterwards but he will have to go through the effort (and pay) of getting a solicitor etc. It can stop the emotional abuse in its tracks (which is what he is doing). Sometimes you just have to make things official and legal for the children's protection. If he really, really wants her in his life he'll fight for her, otherwise he's just using her to mess with your head. Step back and let go.

As for DD herself, all you can do is show her she is loveable (you, grandparents, friends, school, pets etc) and that it is something within her father that is lacking - it's not his fault but that's how some people are. Then start teaching her the invaluable phrase (that soooo many women haven't learnt) that actions speak louder than words. If she focuses on his words too much then she will already be "trained" once she has romantic relationships of her own, and you only have to look on the Relationship board on here to see how that can destroy women mentally and emotionally.

My Son now 17 makes his own arrangements with his Dad, but before that I had to. Sometimes he was 1hr late or cancelled at the last minute. He remarried and had 2DD (divorced again5yrs ago)during that time my son felt the same, I told him your Dad loves you but is very selfish and puts himself 1st, is very unreliable time wise and disorganised, he is like that with everyone not just you. So it's not you or anything you can do to change him, it's who he is. Disappointing but true. My son started to not get so upset after that, we did something instead. Now sometimes he says he's too busy to see his Dad, it's on his terms now!

It is what it is, she will come to the conclusion herself. All you can do is be there for her. Stop making excuses for him and let him hang himself. Drop the rope. What a loser 🤷🏻‍♀️

So glad you’re getting some good advice @Lifeasitis91

I wen through the same OP, totally unreliable father, if he did turn up it was hours late, heartbreaking, no words of wisdom I’m afraid, just massive regret that I gave her such a useless human being who’s never stepped up, am so sorry you and your daughter are going through this

Stop facilitating him. In any way.

You tell him (by email/text so it's written) here is our agreed schedule. If he does not keep to it you tell him to take you to court for access.

You need to sort this now. Take it as the child in this scenario. If he chooses to not do that now yes it will be painful but not as painful as him letting her down time and time again over her life.

I don't have advice OP but I just wanted to say how sorry I am you have to watch your daughter go through this. It must hurt so much.

Everytime he's let her down, I've always had a plan b in place, I assured she's ready for the time agreed and give him no more than 30 mins before heading out.

He did turn up today, his gf drove him down without the children, he was 30 mins late - never fed her lunch, despite picking her up at 12. He turned up at 5.45 (I asked for 5.00 drop off) she was eating KFC. My DD told me that she never ate lunch, dad, his gf and her went swimming and had a walk about the city centre.
I hadn't long put the dinner on, so needless to say she wasn't that hungry, I didn't bother to say anything to him.

No mention of when he was seeing her next, just walked away and said bye.

DD did say she would like to see dad on his own next time, I don't think he would do this even if she asked

What a dick!!!

Well if he won't do medation I can guarantee you that this man wouldn't take you to court for access, he'll dig himself a hole and then blame you for giving him the shovel.

Document everything, not for court but for your DD to see if she so wishes to when older