Stuck in a rut

[Overthinkingchamp]

How do you know when the relationship has come to its complete end… been together with my hubby for nearly twenty years, have two children and on paper we have a lovely life. Moderate house, plenty of holidays, by no means well off but we do get by mainly because of him, my part time job doesn’t cut it. I just feel like I don’t love him anymore, we’ve got into a really bad negative cycle and I don’t know how to pull us out of it. We have zero intimacy, couldn’t tell you the last time we said to each other ‘I love you’ he’s not very good with affection, never has been. We don’t hug, hold hands, kiss - nothing! There’s no connection anymore, we are just room mates looking after children. I don’t want to split the family up and together we can give the children a lot more than we could if we were apart but is it a good enough reason to stay together miserable? I don’t want to waste the rest of my life but equally know that dating is hard when pushing 40 and it’s not something I’m even considering yet. I just really miss the emotional connection to a relationship, I feel sad and lonely! Have felt like this for a while now, he puts so much effort into being a good dad I often feel neglected. We don’t make anytime together as a couple and when I’ve spoken with him about this in the past he doesn’t act like it bothers him that much. He says that I want a relationship like out of films or books and that isn’t real life. He’s a good dad, does loads around the house, provides for us, is generous, he’s loyal and I know he sounds great when I write it all down and would probably be snapped up by someone else in no time, I just don’t find any joy in our relationship. He has quite a negative look on out life, can be miserable and moan a lot over mundane things, and we just don’t have anything in common anymore. I don’t want to be alone, but feel like I can’t carry on like this either. I need advice as I’m at a crossroads with what to do.

You aren’t alone in this - it’s a common problem. 20 years is a long time and you have grown apart. If you walk away from the marriage you need to be able to look your children in the eye and say you tried everything. Have you tried everything - really laid your cards on the table and been vulnerable with him about what you need? Have you asked him what he feels in the right way and really truly listened?

it sounds to me like the fundamentals of your life are sound but you need to find some way of reconnecting. Maybe counselling would help but you will both need to really lean into it. If you can’t find the strength today to do it for him, or he you, then try to be motivated to do it for your kids.

I don’t agree with the pp about looking your children in the eye and saying you tried everything.

It looks like your husband has been dismissive when you have tried to tell him what you are missing in your relationship and what you need. You’ve asked for basic connection in a relationship - it’s not something that only occurs in the movie’s.

Do you still fancy your DH or does the thought of being intimate again give you the ick. If you still fancy him suggest marriage counselling but with the message that you cannot go on like this any longer:

I think right now as it’s been going on for so long I couldn’t even think about being intimate with him! And that’s the problem, I don’t know how to build the relationship back up and regain the connection. We’ve discussed in the past couples therapy but never actually gone through with it! I don’t think we communicate well at all anymore. He gets so engrossed with the kids and work and he just neglects everyone else. I really do just him as my children’s father now but equally I don’t want to be alone or break the family up and the regret it.

I went to marriage counselling when my marriage was dead in the water. By that time no matter how much counselling and “homework” we got, nothing worked. Maybe get a self help book to give you a taster on what counselling involves emotional and physical effort outside of the sessions - you have to invest a lot of time outside of the sessions.

However the worrying thing is you crave affection yet cannot see intimacy on the cards with your husband anymore. You’ve asked don’t see him like that anymore. I wonder if that’s the same for your husband too? Does he ever comment on the lack of intimacy?

I get the impression he’s not really that bothered but just won’t admit it. Deep down I’m sure he stays fit the kids, I don’t think he wants to be away from the children not even 50/50. When I express how I’m feeling sometimes things can improve but then it just goes back to the same old ways and no effort. We definitely need counselling of some sort, but maybe it’s too late to recover 🤷‍♀️

What improves when the you express what you are feeling?

How old are you both?

You can leave a marriage if your emotional and physical needs are not being met by it OP. Even if you have kids. It doesn’t sound like this will improve as he doesn’t seem interested in improving it.

All marriages go through rough and smooth. Make sure you’d be happier apart.

Late 30’s

Oh goodness. Still young! It sounds like the relationship has definitely come to an end then and your needs aren’t being met. It’s up to you to decide if you can live like this for the rest of your life…or not.

I know that’s the hard thing and not something I’m taking lightly! Think I’m scared of going it alone really, I think it takes a brave person to step away and I’m not sure I’m that brave!

@Overthinkingchamp I stepped away from my ExH at your age. And I had kids and was only working pt. When I decided I was done, I got a full
tike job to support myself. I am late 40’s now and have been in a 5 year relationship with my partner who is 5 years younger than me. There’s loads of passion, companionship and affection. Even if we are lying in the sofa that touching and talking doesn’t stop, I don’t just mean sexual, my legs often ache these days and my partner will by instinct just massage my legs or my shoulders. After years of no affection I cannot tell you how much I treasure this.

Yes this is what I miss most, just simple affection like a hug or a kiss etc… he’s like the stone man, don’t think he knows how to be affectionate at all! Then wonders why I’m distant…

If you are only late 30s and you’ve been together 20 years do you think one or both of you feels like you’ve missed out on some things?

I don’t really know what the solution is for the problem, but I do think intimacy is crucial in a relationship.

I was about your age when my marriage was clearly dead. We didn’t have any affection at all - no kissing, hand holding, hugging - nothing. I wasn’t turned on by him (he was lacking in passion and affection). We drifted into a sexless marriage of over a decade. Yes, 10 years!! I had decided to stay and learn to live with it. Big mistake!!! At 45 I entered menopause and got the sex surge bad. That side of our marriage was over. Well, I ended up crossing the line. And, my goodness, were my eyes opened. Of course, I ended my marriage immediately especially once I started having feelings outside of marriage. I did a lot of soul searching!!!

My biggest regret? Is that I knew in my 30’s the marriage was missing something and that ‘chemistry’ wasn’t there at all. Never really had been but I was so inexperienced and naive, I hadn’t realised. My biggest regret is that I didn’t listen to myself and end it years ago. I’m 53 now btw. My passion was awoken by another man.

Moral of the story is…don’t think this will get better. It probably won’t. You are young enough to find someone else.

💐

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. If nothing then why stay?.

Staying for the sake of the kids?. Well whose sake would either of you be staying for really because it could be argued it’s not theirs. Better for your kids for parents to be apart rather than together in misery as you both are now. You’re both in your 30s so not too old to start over.

What do you want to teach your children relationships and what are they learning here?.
Your kids are also picking up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken, between you two. You would likely not want your children as adults to have a marriage like this so stop with showing them that this is still acceptable to you on some level.

Oh wow that resonates so much! I must admit I could have crossed that line myself if I had wanted too but my conscious wouldn’t let me! And I thought there’s no point as it’s not what I want, it wouldn’t fix anything, I just want to not be lonely, I really miss the companionship!

In all honestly I would say yeah we’re both staying for the sake of the kids! Also I’m scared of being single and alone. I would also suffer financially (he would be fine) I actually don’t even want to think about the practically of things!
When I’ve brought it up in the past about splitting up, he just says well that’s loads of wasted years and what will everyone think!

You’re pretty much alone now within your marriage. Stop showing your kids this marriage is acceptable to you because it’s no legacy to leave then. You’re both giving them the blueprint for their future relationships. You would not want them to potentially emulate a loveless marriage as adults from your example and of course you would want better for them. You deserve more too.

Your man is getting bogged down in his sunk costs and that basically causes people to keep on make poor relationship decisions. Read about the sunk costs fallacy.

And who cares what people think, of you may be the topic of the day or gossip for five minutes but people really do have their own lives to lead. They’re not bothered about yours. And when he says what will everyone think he’s probably thinking about what his mother and father would think. Their opinion is frankly irrelevant. And there’s nothing wrong with being single.

Consider seeking legal advice because knowledge here is also power.

Was he affectionate when you first got together svd if so when and why do you think it changed?

I’ve never heard of that sunk cost fallacy but your spot on and actually think we’re both guilty of this!