Is my relationship failing 8 months in with twins

[RIRO30]

We’ve been together over 9 years now. Our twins are 8 months and they was planned
I honestly have no idea what is going on but we bicker so much about nothing really. Small things turn into big things. We have spoken many times that it needs to stop and we don’t mean it etc. but it just happens again and again
This week he has kicked off at me twice really out of line, and he is saying it’s the way I speak to him which makes him so angry. I am tired every single day so yes I come across short and annoyed a lot of the time but I don’t think that can justify the way he has kicked off at me twice lately. the first time he apologised, but today he has just been so rude and continuing to blame me. I don’t feel like I can do this anymore as arguing with him breaks my heart, and feeling this way while trying to be the best mother to my babies is so exhausting. We try to fix the bickering and then it just ends up happening again. I feel so sad today

This is very, very normal when your babies are young. Especially when you have two! My friends and I have conversations about the phase when we “hated our husbands” (and they probably hated us) which basically lasts until you all start getting proper sleep again. You’re tired, you’re convinced the other parent is getting more sleep than you/more time to themselves/doing less baby admin etc etc and you start to resent each other. It’s partly hormones and mostly tiredness. My partner and I have two teenagers and a two year old so a huge age gap and we’d totally forgotten about the hating each other stage - but we still went through it again with our youngest! Just starting to come out of it now. Just accept that the first couple of years are really hard on you as a couple, you won’t feel as close as you were before but it IS just a phase and as the babies get older and start sleeping better and make fewer demands on you during the day, things will get better between you and you’ll feel your relationship is getting back to normal.

Have a chat about it, agree on some boundaries (eg no matter how tired you are, you still shouldn’t trade insults, name call, say hurtful things etc) but just agree that you DO love each other, you WILL get through this and you basically will just sometimes be arsey with each other for no real reason because you’re just so tired!

Thank you so much for this comment xx

It's so hard this stage, but try to have compassion for and patience with each other. Once a day, catch him in a calm moment for a hug and a kiss and tell him you love him. It will get easier as the babes get a bit bigger x

Twins really do a number on your marriage. It’s incredibly common. Divorce rates are higher for parents of twins for a reason.

If you can afford it I would invest in couples counselling to focus on conflict resolution (Relate can offer it free, but it’s of mixed quality). I think couples counselling is applied far too late most of the time and is turned to only in crisis. By then it’s so much harder to address and fix.

DH and I had counselling for escalating bickering when our twins were around 18 months. It did us an enormous good. Our twins are now 8yrs old.

I remember this so well from when my girls were babies, I have a 3 and a 4 year old now, we get more sleep and the snapping has stopped. However, I still struggle with the lack of closeness, I can see that things will get easier over time.

It's a season of life that can be really hard on relationships and you have two babies, which only adds to the pressure. Try to be kind to each other when you can, use your support network if you have one and remind yourself that you will sleep again one day. I once read to not make any major relationships decisions in the first two years, that stuck with me too.

Hi. I agree with what the others have said. My twins are teenagers now which brings other problems but I remember the baby period as being really hard. The novelty wears off a little so you tend to get less help from others but you are still right in the thick of it! This is about the time we realised that it was going to be a hard slog for quite a bit longer (Dd didn't start sleeping well until 2) and we got tetchy with each other. Hang in there and try and show each other some affection even when you're not feeling it!

From what I and others i know have talked about i agree with first poster... the "hating your partner/husband" stage took me by surprise although people had warned me about it... it does pass (unless they are usually a total arse obviously!)

My two are young adults so perhaps things have changed but this post suggests not – I really think there should be more antenatal training around the impact of having tiny children on the couple relationship and how you really might find you don’t like each other for a while. It is so common and my DH and I definitely went through this but fortunately we had been forewarned by friends as we were quite late in having our children. Because we have been warned, we knew not to assume that this was going to be the state of our relationship going forward. It’s actually a good sign in many ways because it means that you are saving your stress and tiredness and irritation and occasional feelings of overwhelm for each other rather than taking them out on your tiny babies. Don’t panic – give each other some grace and you will likely come through this.

me and my husband - before we had babies NEVER argued. I mean. never - we had been together a few years and just got on so well.

When our children were born - those first years with sleep deprivation we were VILE to each other, swearing, hissing with rage. It's just so so hard - and twins! even harder.

I have to be honest - my kids are 11 and 13 and we still argue much more - particularly during family time like holidays - I find we get on best when it's just us!

Family life is bloody stressful.

Remind each other that you are behaving this way not because your relationship is failing but because you are shattered. It will pass. Maybe get a chalkboard and write nice things about each other on it. Play music you both like when getting ready.

Very important: take turns at having a lie in at weekends. When twins wake on Saturday just one of you deals with them, the other sleeps in until 10am. Swap on Sundays.

Have small family outings. Get babysitters once a week and go out. Not dinner or drinks as you are too knackered to be eachother's entertainment. See a film, gig or comedy so you have something to chat about.

It will pass. Promise each other you don't believe this is how it will be from now on. Joke that he can leave if he takes both babies with him, to remind him that their care is what shatters you and makes you both ratty, not each other.

I noticed the other day how well DH and I were getting on, joking, chatting, making plans, having fun. Really enjoying life. DC have left home! It's just us again. It does make a difference.

I loved raising DC and we had great fun as a family after the horrible baby years. But our relationship became more practical. Now it's more romantic again.

When my first was about 6 months old, I was feeling the same way. I think expectation was that life and maternity leave would be idyllic but in fact it was a massive life changing event. My husband and I talked and agreed that although it was shit, we would get through it. We explained our sides. I felt like my whole life had changed and his was no different, he felt the pressure to provide financially and felt like I knew everything and he felt judged caring for our daughter. We got through it but I always remember that many many years later.

Within the realms of normal.

i remember standing in the utility with my husband and having the 900th row after my 2nd child. We had 2 under 2
I was raging and basically something dont think i wont divorce you!!!! I can do this on my own, I'll be fine, I'll keep the house. I'll fucking thrive... etc etc. 😅😅😅😅 He is my life partner....barring some cataclysmic betrayal I cant see us divorcing...

With my first we had a raging fight because I asked him to get a baby toy from the car and 15mins found him hiding behind a tree because he wanted a break 🤣🤣🤣🤣

its a big change and hard work for everyone.
He felt i was critical i felt I was expected to be the boss of everything and his line manager.

My mother told me almost every sensible woman considers divorce at least once the first year after a new child.

Your DH might be an absolute DH (dickhead) and divorce is the right thing but barring abuse i wouldn't make any decison about that now.

I am a big believer in making space. We did date nights from about 6 months and once the kids hit 1yr / 18m / 2yrs it gets progressively easier. Reevaluated once twins are 2 or 3 but in the meantime try and be nice to each other.

I started thanking and complimenting him even when I didnt mean it and was shocked to find it really helped... he is now very proud of his "good dad" status and does loads.... Youngest is 18m and I would say now we are actually somewhere close to 50/50 on parenting and house stuff.