Faded marriage and old flame

[needtoforget]

NC for this. I'm married with two DC (7&5yo). My marriage has gone a bit downhill over the past years. I'd say we're still good friends and have a well functioning family life/coparenting situation. I guess I can't say I don't have any romantic feelings at all towards DH, but I've definitely lost interest in physical intimacy with him and feel like the emotional connection is lost. We mainly talk about the kids and daily practicalities..and work. In a way I've given up on trying to maintain our marriage, as he isnt making the effort either.

In my early 20s I was in a relationship with a fun and interesting guy, with whom we've maintained irregular email connection over the years and even decades. It's been few emails per year, not more than that. While he sometimes expressed he still thinks about me often, I didn't think much of it and never looked back in that way. Until in one of the emails we just said why not talk sometime...after like 15+ years. And so we had a video call (he's far away). And what do you know, the old chemistry was right back and we spoke for hours. We spoke about us, why our relationship failed and what we would do differently now looking back. I was left feeling sad all over again it didn't work back then, and how if we had our time now, we could deal with our problems a lot better. And I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since. It's been a few months now since we talked. I keep daydreaming about him, about seeing him in person, about being close to him physically..I'm even dreaming about sex with him - while I thought I've lost interest in sex altogether.

I know I won't leave my DH and break our family now to try and start something with this ex. I know I should stop all contact with the ex for now and focus on my family. But I also now have crazy thoughts like what if he would actually be the one I should be with. He isn't single, but his relationship seems to be on the casual side and he doesn't have DC.

I just needed to get this off my chest, just to talk to someone, even if it's strangers on the internet. I need to hear some hard truths probably. Or maybe hear from someone who's been through similar. And if someone has been able to reignite their marriage after something similar - please tell me how. On one hand I don't even think that people should hold on to their marriages for as long as they possible can, but we have also young DC who deserve a stable home. And I do care about my DH and don't want to just leave him either, even if our circumstances were different.

I can fully understand how you feel, but this is really a situation you need to face with your head, not your heart. As you say, your DC deserve a stable home. That doesn't necessarily have to mean staying with your DH forever, if you really can't find a way to make the marriage work, but it does mean you owe them a responsibility not to blow up their lives by, for example, having an affair. You should definitely cut contact with the old flame while you decide what to do with your marriage. If you do end up separating, then down the line you could potentially rekindle without guilt or recriminations. It's unlikely to work out well for anybody if you get back together under the circumstances in your post. Good luck, as I say I really do understand, so I mean no judgment by what I've written.

I think when we are weighed down with the responsibilities of marriage, children and general adulting, sometimes we can look back with rose tinted glasses on the past.

Of course he will seem a better option as you’ve not gone through parenting with him, which is enough to wear most people down temporarily.

i suspect you’re feelings are a warning that you need to work on your marriage OP, rather than because your ex is the “one that got away”.
in the cold light of day, if things didn’t work with your ex when you were footloose and fancy free, they are unlikely to work now you have kids and more responsibilities.

Very true both, I needed to hear those things from someone even if I actually already knew it. Thanks.

It's natural to enjoy being wanted too. Don't beat yourself up for what is happening that is going to give you a boost but recognise that fantasy and real life are two very separate things. You know this anyway o.p and sound very sensible.