Going NC with family members... Grief

[Aworldofwonder]

My sister bullies me and has done all my life.

My (timid, generous, avoidant and non confrontational) mum has allowed it. Honestly my mum has been extremely negligent to me throughout my life. I've tried talking it out with her and gotten nowhere.

I love my sister and my mum but I've decided it's time to cut ties entirely that this dynamic will never change. If you met me you would think I was the last person on earth to allow someone bully them. People always suggest 'just tell your sister to f off' or 'just do the same back to her' but she is so aggressive I find her terrifying.

I know there is no middle ground here and if I try to reduce contact my mum will paint me as the bad guy for splitting up the family, causing trouble etc.

I cannot take anymore of it and I've asked my DH to support me.

I am sitting here thinking about Christmas, how I'll manage my DC seeing their cousins (who they adore), their granny.

I'm feeling really really sad. Can anyone relate?

They will say all kinds of things to twist the narrative, but it’s a manipulation tactic and you can’t let that sway you. Stay strong in your decision.
Do whatever it takes to protect your peace.
Family or not, your peace is more important… There might be a time you can reintroduce limited time for the sake of the children’s relationships but honestly your peace needs to be a priority right now…

Thanks for your reply.

I'm feeling like I'm in the throes of grief. I keep playing out scenarios in my head where I'm not completely NC but I know I'll end up back in the same situation.

The thought of Christmas Day is upsetting me so much. It'll be just the three of us and I know DC will be devastated.

My DH is from another country so has no relatives here; I am really cutting us off from extended family.

I'm thinking of suggesting to DH he takes DC over to see her cousins or her granny for a couple of hours mid morning while I get the food sorted.

Do whatever is best for you. You can try creating a new Christmas tradition this year. Just because it won’t be a big family gathering, doesn’t make it any less special.
Try not let the anxiety build up between now and then.
Have you thought about some talking therapy to help you process what you’re feeling and help start you on a journey of healing? There’s clearly a lot of pain that’s lead you here, therapy may help if you’re open to that.

Yes started therapy, thank you.

It feels so big and overwhelming. I realised I had to do something because I feel embarrassed even sharing with friends, that they must be internally thinking "this is the same story decades on". I know my DH wonders why I allow it.

There is no way your DC would want you to continue being abused for them to have a couple of play dates a year with their cousins. Unfortunately any contact will likely see your child being manipulated and enduring barbed comments which leave them confused. All of which will leave you reframed as the bad guy. Set yourself free, go and find peace and who you are meant to be when not in shadow.

My approach is that if my family isn’t safe for me to have in my life, they aren’t safe for my children to have in their lives. I ended contact between my children and my family about 2 years before I did for myself. Why would you want someone bullying and terrifying in your children’s life? That’s the first thing.

Secondly, I would really rip the plaster off. Don’t see them at Christmas, at all. Have you never not all seen each other at Christmas? We have plenty of lovely family who we don’t see every year and we genuinely like them. Take a year off. Give yourselves a 6 month break and re-evaluate how you feel. Get some therapy for yourself. Don’t chuck your Dh in the middle.

It’s a hard decision to make, but I cannot tell you the peace I have now. My mum occasionally emails me (won’t call or message, emails like I’m her solicitor 😂). She asks to reconcile. I’ve never responded in the 3 years we’ve been fully NC. But I do consider what reconciliation might look like. Any time I think about having her back in our lives again, my heart just sinks. The thought of it just fills me with absolute dread. I am so happy and free now. I can’t imagine having that chaos back in our lives.

Give yourself time. Be firm on your boundaries. Get some therapy and see how you feel. Whatever grief I now sometimes feel about having lost her is never as big as the grief I felt from completely losing myself because of what she did to us.

I’ll also add that you will create new traditions and relationships. My eldest and my mum were once really close. My youngest was not even 2 when we last saw her. That was nearly 6 years ago. Eldest doesn’t even mention her now. My youngest has no idea she even exists. Neither of them would recognise her if she passed them in the street (thankfully she lives abroad so no risk of that!). They have lots of lovely people in their lives who love them, not just family. Plus two happy, healthy, well parents who aren’t passing down any more intergenerational trauma. They have the sort of healthy functional childhoods Dh and I wish we had. They aren’t missing out.

There was decades of abuse in my family so I’m NC but it is the toughest thing I’ve ever done. DHs family is similar he father was abusive in ever way going and it has rippled through to this generation. We don’t try to fix things with the families anymore we protect ourselves from the dysfunction. All that said I think NC is the last, last resort. I think you need to definitely go NC with your sister but your Mum maybe you could see separately.

Because it’s so close to Christmas and everything will be fresh could you, DH and DS go away for a few days, even book a caravan holiday, lots of places do Christmas breaks, that way you can sell it to DS as a holiday which is why they won’t see family.

Personally in my experience a clean break is best, that means with DH and DS cutting contact too. You are not hurting or punishing your DS you are protecting him from people who bully, manipulate and don’t care about you or your feelings.

I know my DDs loved my mother and older cousin but I also knew that the nastiness in my family was starting to show, just in small ways with my DDs. I found out afterwards it was a lot worse when my DDs told me thinks they remembered such as Nanna intentionally giving them things they weren’t allowed, Nanna bathing them in products they were allergic too, I knew that one but apparently I over reacted. I shouldn’t have been surprised as I witnessed the woman give my brothers vegetarian children meat and fish when their parents weren’t around.

I realised that if I didn’t put an end to her being in their life it would have had an impact on them, because in her eyes they were the mini versions of me, her scapegoat child she’d been in competition with from the moment I was born. This was especially important after my DF died as she didn’t even need to try and pretend anymore. I was not risking the nasty things she is capable of affect my children. For example when she fell out with my older brother she was calling his children, her granddaughters sluts, whores, anorexic, nasty, pathetic ( her favourite insult) and so much more. She would tell my then 8yo niece her brother was only her half brother ( not my DBs biological son) and he was a druggy wanker, prick lazy ugly fucker, but don’t tell your parents I said that.

At first my DDs barely noticed the NC and when they did it was mainly asking to see cousin but over time they eventually stopped, I’d get an occasional I miss x but that’s it. I was as honest as I could be with them by saying I’d fallen out with my mum and DB so we are taking a break from seeing each other, as they have gotten older the whole story, well the parts I’m willing to share, has come out. My youngest was a baby and until this year never even knew I had parents or siblings, even though I never went NC with one, they never bothered with me it was always me making the effort so I stopped. My older 2 were 4 & 6yo, my oldest 13 now remembers them but my 11yo has very little memory.

Best decision I ever made!