Advice on what you do would do

[Autumnspicery]

I found a letter early in the year which showed my husband had been given a loan in his name which he had not told me about. When I asked him about it he said he needed it as I was on maternity leave. I found another letter yesterday from a different company but another loan. I was upset so I ended up checking his emails. I found pictures from another woman , not messages but obviously they have been messaging and they are intimate pictures. I feel so sad this was happening when I was pregnant and when my baby was here. We also have an older child. We have a mortgage together for our home and I have just gone back to work part time. I don't want to see my children just every other weekend I want them with me all the time so I'm scared about where to go now as I love them so much I can't bare the thought of another woman being their step mum. Has anyone got any advice on what they would do ? I confronted him last night and he said it ended not long after our baby was born. He said he never met her it was just messaged and picture. He is sorry and loves us etc etc. but I don't know how I can forgive him. Thankyou for reading.

do you want this role modelling for your kids? If he doesn’t ruin you financially he will destroy you emotionally with this level of duplicity. I personally would leave in these circumstance.

This is awful for you.
He is a liar and a cheat. Do you think he has been sending this woman money and paying for these photos and what is why he has needed to take out these loans? It would certainly explain his secrecy about the money.

It sounds as though he is only sorry because he has been found out OP.

I certainly wouldn't be able to trust him again after he has found out to be financially dishonest and has also betrayed your relationship with another woman.

I really think you should protect yourself and take legal advice on your situation in.the event of divorce.

In your shoes I’d be seeking legal advice and making plans to leave, that’s it really. I wouldn’t want to stay with someone who is so easily capable of lying to me.

I would tell him to leave and divorce him.

Where has the money gone @Autumnspicery? You need complete transparency so you know what you are dealing with and if you can move on and forgive this huge betrayal. Full access to bank accounts, emails, explanations on all contact, spend, locations.

For some reason it’s quite common for men to cheat when their partner is pregnant. It’s astounding that what should be an exciting and intimate time between a couple pushes some men to find intimacy elsewhere. I’m sure there are psychological reasons for it — but ultimately it shows a huge character flaw and lack of integrity.

Sorry you are going through this but don’t stay just because you don’t want to lose time with your kids. Don’t waste your life with someone you can’t trust because he could do it again and you will regret wasting more years with him when you could be building a life with your kids away from his toxic behaviour.

Why would you only see the kids every other weekend?
Realistically do you think he's going to do 90 percent of the parenting?
No chance!

The bigger problem is going to be keeping your job if he works at the same time.

If it had just been the one off picture messages then maybe I could let it go but not the loans too...he's probably been taking them out in order to pay for dates or cam girls let's face it. I think you need to take a bit of time here though in getting out. Put some plans in place. Consult a lawyer to see what you will be entitled to etc...

So where has the money gone for the loans?

and legal advice asap

OP he won't change. He's lied to you and betrayed you repeatedly. You will always be hyper vigilant in this relationship worrying what you are going to find out next. I've been there and it's torture, this is no way for you or your children to live.Tell him to leave and concentrate on now and your peace of mind. Don't worry about future scenarios and what may or may not happen, instead take charge now of what you can control.

I would be divorcing and forcing the sale of the house ASAP. If he has taken out two loans that you know of, I would separating me and my finances from his as fast as my littlest legs could carry me.

Honestly, @Autumnspicery, the horrors he could drag you to if you stay married are endless.

I just wanted to say thank you to the people that commented here.
I did not take him back. 10 days after I found this information , he was on Tinder. He now has a new girlfriend. Me and my children are doing well and have a new normal. I was able to buy him out of our family home.
I still have times feeling scared of when / if he will introduce the children to his new girlfriend. But for now , things are good and I am proud of myself.take care all x

You absolutely need to compel him to share a paper trail (bank statements /invoices) of every transaction the loans were used for. That is even more suspicious than the cheating. Get every record you can, find the truth and then speak with a divorce lawyer. The financial risk he’s putting on you is completely out of control. The custody situation is one challenge but you need to protect your kids future- you can’t do that if he’s taking out random huge loans (which could put your house and savings at risk)

Also; cheating during pregnancy and post partum is one of the worst things a man can do. It’s the ultimate betrayal. You can hold onto the marriage but he’s already gone if he’s capable of that.

I’m so sorry, what a horrible shit he is. Glad you’re doing well with your children and that you’ve been able to stay in your home. You’re doing brilliantly and whatever happens with his GF in future, your kids will forever know that you are their safety, security and a constant presence for them.

What I would do is end it. What I didn’t do when I found what you found many years ago was end it.

In my experience, it only gets worse and it only gets harder to leave.

you so did the right thing.

At least if you are scared now, then you can trust yourself. He was behind your back and deceitful.

You could never trust him and your body knows this. I’m so sorry this happened but hugely admire that you left.