The continued STRAIN of my elderly parents

[lovenotwar149]

I've been no contact, low contact ,no contact ,low contact over 4 years now, I finally put in stronger boundaries etc etc
Currently ,since they have been in a care home since March this year, I have started visiting again. Seeing them on different turf worked better for a while. My dad's verbal abuse has shown its ugly face again (Aug 20th- no surprise)) and since then I have only visited twice ( its a 15 min walk away from my home) and seen my mum only. The first time was fine ,second not so much. As expected , she played her own manipulative games - showed up late , guilt tripping me , shaming etc etc
I am due to go again in an hour. I tried last wk and she claimed she couldn't call/message me , yet was able to call and message my hubby. Exactly.
I am feeling rather tense, I'm half expecting her to not come down to reception to meet me as planned and agreed. Ouch!
I feel rejected by both of them now. Ouch ouch!
My dad is abusive to her too and my other 2 sisters, who I dont speak to now btw, no-one approves of me standing up to him, none of them have been able to.
Any thoughts ppl?

I’d drop the rope re your parents and would not visit either of them. As she was not able to get hold of you she contacted your husband who she sees as the weaker link here.

Free yourself of any and all fog (fear obligation and guilt) through therapy. Do something nice for yourself instead today other than visit them.

Neither have changed but what you can do is change how you react to them. You would not tolerate this from a friend so do not tolerate either parent’s abuses of you. Your mother chose to stay with him for her own reasons and threw you all under the bus in the process.

AttilaTheMeerkat

I know KNOW you are right. You have messaged before on this topic , I read your wise words then. I am dropping the rope soooo much more fyi but I am not able to drop it completely.
I plan to go there for 11am , so leaving in 15 mins. I have a book to read incase of a no show (im prepared for this and lies after i.e. I didnt know you were coming today , must have my dates muddled...err she knows!). If it does go this way , maybe it'll mean a further cutting of the 'rope'.
Thx for your wise words again :)

and threw you all under the bus in the process.

Yes , she did

If you need validation from someone not to go then have mine.

What does your h think about your parents ?

AttilaTheMeerkat

thats so sweet, thank you smooch :)
He stays out of it

so much

he's aware of their abuse , but he also has a Christian value of 'honouring' parents

How is it that people never seem to read beyond the honour thy parents to see that parents are to also respect their children?

Ephesians 6:
Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

@lovenotwar149

Just sending good wishes. I hope the visit goes well.

If it doesn’t just remember it’s not your fault. It never was.

Thank you people.
My mum showed up at 10 past 11, and it went surprisingly well. I am still so surprised. She seemed genuinely pleased to see me. I didnt see my dad and I was ok with that , and she seemed to be too.
Life continues to surprise me!

Glad it went well but continue to be wary

I'm glad you went were pleasently surprised and both had a nice time.

I'm glad it went well. All I would add to above advice is that it is your feelings that matter to you so, ask yourself how you would feel if either/both dropped off the perch tomorrow and you'd been nc? If you think you'll be OK then that gives you choices. If it would eat away at you - also choices but perhaps different answers? Have a good think. Good luck x