Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Overpowering behaviour abusive?

6 replies

ClarityClearView · 01/10/2025 21:41

My DH of 20+ years constantly asks questions or gives instructions, to the point I’m exhausted with responding, anxious about saying no (but have got much better about doing this, but still fear his reaction). Eg throughout the day, constantly asking if I want a coffee (expects me to agree each time) what time do I want to eat, what do I want to eat, what am I doing next, insisting on going everywhere with me, and if sharing a task like gardening, telling me how to do what I’m doing, and what I should do next and repeating these several times if I disagree; suggesting what I like/don’t like, suggesting what clothes I should buy, etc etc. The combination of constant questions, suggestions and directions have confused me for years because they imply choice and can appear to be helpful but the overall impact is he’s expecting me to comply with the agenda he’s relentlessly driving day after day. He’s also accused me of not making any suggestions as his defence for doing so all the time, when I’ve challenged him about it, but in reality he’s mostly overruled me or sulked if I’ve tried to do so. In isolation each interaction seems harmless. It’s taken years for me to identify the impact on me, as it’s been virtually impossible to pinpoint what’s not ok. I’m exhausted and have spent years trying to explain this to him. Does anyone else have experience or advice on this and can it ever improve? Thank you.

OP posts:
cheapskatemum · 01/10/2025 22:10

I would start challenging him more often and get even better at saying no. You say he sulks and you fear his reaction. Stop fearing his sulks. They’re on him. Hope this helps. He sounds difficult to live with!

ClarityClearView · 01/10/2025 22:17

cheapskatemum · 01/10/2025 22:10

I would start challenging him more often and get even better at saying no. You say he sulks and you fear his reaction. Stop fearing his sulks. They’re on him. Hope this helps. He sounds difficult to live with!

Thank you x

OP posts:
Vaxtable · 01/10/2025 23:02

Challenge him when he says do xyz say no sorry I am doing abc because it’s better. Tell him you are happy doing it your way

if he sulks let him, if it carries on for days tell him to stop being a child and get over the fact you have your own opinions

ClarityClearView · 02/10/2025 00:03

Vaxtable · 01/10/2025 23:02

Challenge him when he says do xyz say no sorry I am doing abc because it’s better. Tell him you are happy doing it your way

if he sulks let him, if it carries on for days tell him to stop being a child and get over the fact you have your own opinions

Thank you 🙏🏼

OP posts:
Endofyear · 02/10/2025 10:09

If this is his communication style and has been for 20 years, it's unlikely he's going to change. Yes, you can tell him to stop and stand up for yourself more but in the long run, this is who he is 🤷‍♀️ maybe it's time to decide whether you're willing to put up with it or make a serious effort to respond differently in the hope it will shift the dynamic between you.

ClarityClearView · 02/10/2025 17:50

Endofyear · 02/10/2025 10:09

If this is his communication style and has been for 20 years, it's unlikely he's going to change. Yes, you can tell him to stop and stand up for yourself more but in the long run, this is who he is 🤷‍♀️ maybe it's time to decide whether you're willing to put up with it or make a serious effort to respond differently in the hope it will shift the dynamic between you.

Thank you, yes I’ve been working on this for a while x

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread