Only talking about yourself

[vare]

Online dating. Dipped my toe back in tonight. Matched with someone. Started chatting. I asked lots of questions, gave him a few chances to ask one back, but not a single one came. What’s the point in chatting if you just want to talk about yourself?

Not the first time I’ve experienced this! I will try a few more matches before I give up for the night but it’s put me off going through this nonsense again.

I wonder if it's more nerves than selfishness. Focussing on coming across well.

I went on a date with a man who literally didn’t stop to take a breath telling me his life story. Every time I tried to get a word in he said ‘sorry to interrupt’ and turned it back to himself.

I never usually let the man pay the whole bill but this time I had 3 courses and a cocktail and put il no argument when he said he’d pay 😂

I think it can be nerves and awkwardness but sometimes men are just like that. I see it in work situations where men just want to say their story and that's all that seemingly matters. I am one myself lol.

When I am chatting online I am very conscious of this because I've seen so many women complaining about it. What I would say is that women are usually much better communicators over text and when they are leading and asking questions, sometimes it can feel a bit awkward or unoriginal to just keep asking the same thing back, even though that's what you should be doing.

I’ve ignored his last statement about himself 😂 honestly, how do they expect a conversation to progress? They can’t be like this in real life? Although you seem to have found one @TwistedWonder

But you don't have to keep asking the same thing back do you? You can ask a question leading on from it.

Woman - Do you like mud wrestling?
Man - Yes, I love it. Do it every weekend with my mum in Spalding. And what do you do sports wise?
Woman - I go bog snorkling in the Wirral.
Man - That sounds great. Do you need lots of kit?

My mum always used to say that if you've asked someone five questions and they've not asked you one back just walk away.

She was talking about drinks parties in the 1970s, but I guess the same applies online.

Yes, this is what I meant, not just repeating the same question, keeping the conversation on the same topic rather than asking new questions, you proved my point about men and messaging

That made me laugh @Farside99 .
I think if you keep the conversation on topic it develops naturally.

E.g.
Woman - yes I need a fair bit of kit for it. I buy it at a mall in Swansea.
Man - Oh I love Swansea, do you fancy meeting there?

I would add, and I know it's not exactly the OPs point, but I've had conversations with people I think I would really like to meet go cold just because I find it difficult to instigate conversations and keep them going when the other side isn't being as commicative. And generally i do have quite a lot of good conversations that flow nicely. I think by women leading the conversation it allows the man to fall back into filling his side with details about himself. But again I think a lot of men really don't have a clue about listening and I see it in the work environment quite a lot when men are interacting with each other.

@SeaAndStarsi wish my conversation had been as entertaining as that 🤣

I went on a date at the weekend..... the guy had to use Google translate constantly as couldn't understand English very well.....

But I have a friend and every time I see her she fires questions at me, I have no chance to ask her questions ! In fact I seeing her soon, haven’t seen her for a long time, and I’ll make sure that I’ll be the one firing questions 😂 my sil is the same In fact.

I love people who ask lots of questions. It shows enthusiasm and interest, but obviously there is a balance, it has to go both ways.

I used to know someone who asked lots of direct and intrusive questions, which made me uncomfortable as it felt like she was extracting information rather than just curious about me.

I love it when you get that natural balance in a conversation, when it just flows and you don’t have too much overthinking about either what to say or wondering why they aren’t asking you things back.

DH is like this. I'm sure he has undiagnosed Asperger's.

I'd say it's quite the red flag. My now ex seemed really disinterested in me, apart from how much money I was earning, was my brother also going to inherit my parents' house, stuff to do with what he wanted to eat and drink and basically use me for company when he was lonely. He never asked me about my past, my exes, not much about my education, hobbies... very, very little. Oh, and if I was sick, he was sicker. If I was tired, he was exhausted.

Not a good sign early on.

It’s not a good sign, I agree. But I’m also weary of schmoozers and charmers, so it’s bloody hard to decode all of this stuff, even more so in a text chat.

Please look at The Burned Haystack Dating method on Facebook.

The author provides hints and clues for women how to spot these red flags much earlier based on the men's profiles .... before you have wasted a few hours trying to "chat" with him online .... and before you've wasted even more time going on a date with the bore.

Jennie Young (author of The Burned Haystack Method) calls these warning signs to look out for in men "rhetorical patterns". Usually there will be small glimpses of the man's own particular rhetorical patterns within his profile.

Interesting, thank you! Never heard of it and like her suggestion of blocking as a method of making room for other potential matches. I don’t usually block, I just delete.

Yes, but some people are adept at making you feel very appreciated by asking lots of questions and then later you realise that they do this to hold themselves at a distance. It leads to quite unbalanced relationships which end up feeling a bit 'off'. I let a friend like this go as I ended up feeling quite exposed (from answering totally honestly!) and resentful of her closely guarded privacy.