What effects did..

[imnotlosingit]

Your emotionally abusive partner have on you?

Omg !! Where do I start?
im at least 15 years free of him and in a fabulous relationship with a good man but ….
i still get panic attacks
i still overthink everything
i still feel afraid
I still feel not good enough
I still feel scared
I have very vivid dreams and flashbacks
if there’s shouting I feel afraid.

i have had years of therapy and medication and have been diagnosed with CPTSD.

My partner is v reassuring and very supportive thankfully.

Is your partner abusive? I’ve had a decade of dealing with the aftermath of an abusive relationship and still healing.

@Holliegeeand @vareim so sorry you went through this.. and so sorry it's still affecting you all this time after..

I don't even know if he's abusive.. I've had mental health problems for as many years as I can remember... but recently I feel so so unsure and doubtful of myself, worried I'm losing my mind... I was recently diagnosed with with OCD... I changed meds and now I don't sleep.. it's so confusing... my sister thinks it's my relationship but I just don't know anymore.. I'm worried about my mental health to the point I feel like sometimes I'm not even sure what's real... I question every little thing my partner does and says to me.. it feels so unhealthy.

i wish i knew if this was happening because of my relationship or just deteriorating mental health..I can't find any answers...

Have you had a mental health assessment?
This sounds like it could be more complex , and people on here can only advise you so far
x

Sorry I mean a *recent mental health assessment not just one in general
I presume you have if you have an OCD diagnosis
Sometimes OCD will come with the need for constant reassurance, or second guessing everything and all motives. intrusive thoughts about people’s intentions etc
however sometimes it’s more than OCD, and it could also genuinely be the relationship, hence why I ask if you’ve had a recent assessment

@BigOldBlobsyi did a few months ago.. I was diagnosed with OCD and generalised anxiety disorder.. yes I totally appreciate that.. maybe it's naive of me to think my mental health deterioration is because of my relationship.. I just have no certainty of what is normal and what isn't any more.. after questioning so much of
my partners behaviour and things he's said - if it's just me being too sensitive... now I feel I have no anchor as to what is a dig and what is not I.e 'is that thing my mum said meant to be 'a dig'? Or a joke?

e.g my mum came over earlier.. she rang the bell and it took a while for me to get to the door as my 1 year old had spilt something all over the floor... when I opened the door she said ''well anyone would think you live in a big house!' Back in the day I think I would have laughed it off.. but even her saying this small thing made me panic I just have no faith in my confidence or thoughts anymore.. I don't know the right way to react to things.. i know this all sounds quite pathetic and that's how I feel writing this. It feels like quite a scary and very lonely place to be..

I just wondered if anyone else had experience like this and if it's possible for your mental health to take this kind of turn from being in an unhealthy relationship? Or if it's more likely just me..

I think im quite hyper vigilant now in relationships, always scared that they will become a monster or something bad will happen. Im always looking for signs that they arent who they say they are. Externally I probably seem fine but inside, I was very browbeaten and I have a massive wall around myself.

When my ex sees the children, im on edge to make things perfect, eg their packed clothes etc. Although he has changed, remarried, im still on edge.

@imnotlosingit what id say is sometimes when you are in a situation, you get browbeaten and can't see clearly. I read here that you should be open with friends or family because then its out in the open. Do you trust your sister's judgement? Personally I was stuck in a bad relationship and living together with babies. I couldnt see any way out until finally I realised I wanted more for my kids.

OP, do you think you had OCD tendencies before your relationship with your partner?

Do you have any ‘evidence’ of him being abusive: does he call you names, swear at you, deride you, laugh at you, gaslight you, give you the silent treatment? Does he following cycles of being nasty followed by a gushing apology?

Thankyou @Hullopalloo, I'm so sorry you've been through this and are still experiencing trauma from your relationship.. and thankyou so much for bringing my attention to the word 'hypervigilant' I've never heard this term before and it describes exactly how I've been feeling.. to a T.. it helps SO so much just being able to put a name to a feeling...🙏

Put me off marriage for life. I've only had long term partners no marriage again. My ex husband married again after a few years but dear god she looks miserable with him!!

@varehe rarely apologises.. the OCD tendencies started 2 years into our relationship after we had our child... he calls me selfish a lot, called me a fucking moron once.. he's called me 'controlling' so, so many times (once 7 times in one day).. during arguments he's called me 'deranged' and 'unwell'.. when I make activities for the kids to do at home he's said it's because I have ADHD.. that when I'm at home and busy doing things around the house I'm 'fraught'..

When I've been upset with him before he's blamed
my mental heath or my hormones..

in arguments before hes smirked at me while I'm talking (I don't know if that counts) but sometimes repeats
things I say and mimics my voice..

these are just a few things..

That’s pretty concrete evidence, I’m so sorry. All of that sounds very familiar to me. I used to think I was the controlling one because he made me doubt myself so much and was so selfish that if I asked him to do something/change a plan, he made me feel like I was being unreasonable.

The fact is, in a healthy relationship, you just talk things out in a civil way, without one trying to win over the other, and if things do get heated, a sincere apology and ownership of any hurt caused (not ‘I’m sorry you were upset’ but ‘I’m sorry I said what I did’).

It’s not your fault and the OCD is obviously your coping mechanism.

I’m so deeply sorry you’re going through this. As someone who has also been a victim of emotional abuse, I can tell you that it is one of the most painful and invisible forms of harm. It seeps into every part of your life, but the worst part is how hard it is to recognize. You sense that something is wrong, but you can’t quite name it. You feel hurt but don’t understand why. And because you can’t explain it, you start to doubt yourself and wonder if it’s even real.

I lived like that for 25 years with my ex. It wasn’t until I began therapy that I finally learned what was happening to me; my therapist put a name to it: emotional abuse. I was shocked. My ex never yelled, never hit me, never even cursed. Yet the abuse was still there, quietly and persistently.

Leaving was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve been separated now for four years, and while my life is definitely much, much better, the damage hasn’t completely healed. I’m still working on putting myself back together, piece by piece.

You are not alone in what you’re feeling. It’s real, and it matters.

Thankyou so much @vare yes that's exactly it..

I really appreciate you taking the time to read and reply to my posts.. it makes me feel more normal reading your replies 🙏

I'm really happy you managed to move on from your relationship and are in a much better place.. you are very brave for managing to do so.. x

Thankyou @livelovelough24 I'm so sorry you went through this and also so happy that you too also managed to finally navigate your way out of it. After so long it must have felt impossible to leave...x

You’ve made the most important step by posting and asking for help, recognising what’s going on and understanding that it’s not acceptable.

Mumsnet helped me a lot when I was in need of support so I would keep posting and asking for hand holds. Without it, I don’t know if I’d have been able to leave, truly.

Same here. I had huge support from people here on MN, which was invaluable as I do not have a big network where I live. Keep posting OP.

Can tell you what my ex did but they are super super clever and good at it until you see everything they do and say for what it is

the first thing for me was it was Valentine’s Day coming up, I was out shopping with my mum the day before I was picking up our matching pj delivery the balloons I’d got him, the chocolate the cakes his favourite things at the time all in a little gift bag for him. He was on my case rushing me home asking where I was what I was doing. So I went storming back home and said wait 15 minutes and I’ll be back to show you what I’ve been organising all day. So I shoved it all into his bedroom on his bed and said look this is where I’ve been! He was apologetic.

i can’t remember if it was first or second time he’d done this and controlled me but he did something so I went to my mums and had my nails done with her while she was having hers and I ignored him, I ignored his 20 phone calls and texts until I was ready to go back to his home where I was living.

From there it only got worse, everything everything I did got questioned. I went out to a house party at my sisters house he was guilt tripping me that I couldn’t leave him and his son all night and couldn’t stay out couldn’t come back drunk etc… do you know what I did? Stayed out got very drunk and then ignored him the next day, my biggest mistake. This was in 2021. We are in 2025 and given half the chance he’ll still bring it up and argue it now.

i then went back after said party a few days later.. he stood up on his bed tying anything he could find around his neck jumping up and down on his bed asking me why I didn’t want him etc.

He has been physical. He then doesn’t take responsibility for that but when I bring it up I don’t take accountability for myself and it’s all me apparently. I’m always the one causing the issues according to him but for example he’d make comments about my bum if he seen me, he’d tell me I should be working on my stamina… then I’d be nice back but not making any comments below it the belt and he’d then say he was confused because I was insinuating I want a relationship… I don’t and I wasn’t being nothing but kind.

he would say i was good for nothing, i was boring. All I had going for me was my body and vagina.

everytime I stood up for myself he’d block me sometimes it could have been for 8 days sometimes 3 but he’d block me and then send me a message with a song and more recently an email about festival tickets going on sale often blocking me again once sent that.

i used to have to hope my plans would fall when he had his son so he would be preoccupied.

he would always say I was manipulating him when it was indeed the other way round

I am away, I am building a better free life and you will too. A lot of it is manipulation and mind games and control!!

@Happygolucky314 this sounds horrible. Thankyou for sharing your experience and really glad you are in a much better place.

@livelovelough24and @vare yes Mumsnet has been the biggest support of all. Im so so grateful it exists... xx

I am hyper vigilant in relationships now to the point I ruin them because I’m just always waiting for the change. Best for me to be single.

That's awful @lifegoesonandonandonim so sorry 😔

He did a number on my mental health, anxiety and self esteem that took years to recover from. I'm still very anxious.

He was a vampire and got off on my feeling like shit. My mental health improved overnight after he left.

I'm sorry @user1471538283 that sounds horrific. It's interesting to hear how quickly your mental health improved dramatically straight after he left. Did he leave you alone afterwards?

@imnotlosingit - Unfortunately not. 6 months later he wanted to come back. He was hoping to cripple me financially. He accused me of keeping him hanging when I wasn't, I was very clear I didn't want him back. Then he wanted to come and see our baby so he rocked up with no money, a straggly bunch of flowers, a present for DS and accusations that I had been seen on dates with some bloke (when he didn't live in our city and had no friends there). I ended up subsidising the weekend. I had managed alone for 6 months and he couldn't be arsed to get up once in the night to DS. He then threatened that if I wouldn't have him back he'd never see DS again. What a prince.

I've had some low points over the years but I've never regretting getting rid of him. It was the best thing I ever did and I hate him with every fibre of my being.