What should I do

[DJ81]

Hi I hope it is ok for me to ask for advice. I have been married for over 30 years, I knew I shouldn’t have married him the day I did it but I thought I knew best. Over the years we have had terrible rows, he has hit me and hurt me terribly, no regular pattern He pinned me against a wall in the house and was thrusting a fork in my face. We have kids 16 and 14, who are both scared of their father due to his shouting and screaming at them.
He works, but at home is lazy, does nothing, doesn’t want to go anywhere. I have begged for help but to no use.
i have always worked full time and paid more than my fair share for everything, mortgage, bills etc. I also pay everything for the kids and always have, he never offers. Loads of awful stories I could tell but it would never end.
i am currently within 5 years of having had cancer and am on medication following surgery and radiation treatments, all of which I did by myself as husband said he couldn’t take me to the hospital for appointments. When I came home same day as operation the house looked like a bomb site and I asked him to take the rubbish out twice and I was told no not now you’ve asked twice. So 5 hours after cancer surgery I had to take rubbish out. It was only us two there.
Roll forwards and for health reasons I have had to stop working, my Mum is dying and I am still not getting any help at all at home.
i have had enough and I want a divorce. I should say that a few years back the kids found out he had joined an online dating website for single people, we were married.
we have not been intimate for 12 years, it does not bother either of us, in fact he repulses me.
i have tried working at the marriage, but not getting anything back.
i have said I want to get divorced and asked him what he thinks and after much badgering the response i got was ‘you are a big girl, wait and see’ I mean what the f does that mean (sorry).
Main thing is, I have no money at all, no savings and my pension is £800.00 a month. £500 for bills and £250 loan. I’ve got nowhere to go. I own half the house, although his parents unknown to me gave him ably £50.000 to finalise paying the mortgage. The house is in joint names however he values money above everything else. He is seeing solicitors soon with his parents, he never discussed money with me and he has all his financial business sent to his parents.
i want to divorce, but a I can’t afford it and b I’m scared because he values money so much.
what can I do?
sorry it is so so long, this was as short as I could make it.
thank you xx

Oh op don't be scared but get angry, you too need financial advice you can 30/ 45 minutes free, that will allow you to focus on what you need to do,
Do you share a joint account with him for bills and that,
Womans aid would be helpful too lots of support there, financial and housing, if you need it,

So the 500 bills is that what both of you put in,
The 250 loan is that yours or was it between you,

Please get legal advice. I believe a lot of solicitors give a free initial consultation. I also believe that as you are married all assets and debts are shared whether a shitty husband likes it or not

Yeah as PP says, time to get angry. Some times you need a bit of anger to motivate you to make a change!!
Get advice on how to make the divorce happen from a family solicitor. Collect and stash any documents you might need. Do it all on the low until you have sound advice on how to progress.

Op also you have made your mind up so stop asking him his opinions, your divorce sod him it doesn't matter what he thinks now, this is you, looking after you and kids op, think independently of him, and tell him nothing just smile gor now, 😊

Please see a solicitor urgently. Could you stay with your mum?

As you have been married for 30 years you should be entitled to half the value of the house and any other assets.

Thank you OMGBLUESKYS, LURKINGANDLEARNING, and MEGANM3 for your replies. We pay £500 each for the bills and the £250 loan is in my name as I ran up a huge bill getting legal advice to get one of the kids an EHCP, husband said let our child get on with it at school, he said our child didn’t need any help, but this was not true, our child was awarded the document and got the help needed and I am so glad I did what I did.
i read it costs just over £600 to get divorced and the one asking for the divorce has to pay this. I just don’t know where to get the money from. I will definitely contact a solicitor to see if they can advise me anything for free.
thank you again for your replies, I just needed some support to say I’m double g the right thing
xxx

THEPARISCRIMEFILES, thank you so much for replying, unfortunately my Mum is on end of life care which is something I am dealing with by myself with no support from him.

If you are receiving an inheritance get it put in trust so he can't touch it.
Your husband is horrific.

The reason I asked about the joint account really, so yes 600 via gov.uk you have to pay this up front to start the ball rolling you see, you could of taken from the joint account and told him afterwards thst you have started the divorce process and you both have paid half each,
You fo know you are entitled to 50% of everything including his pension op, not sure about the money il gave, did he ring fence that, if not he can not prove otherwise, .
This is were you need to be one step ahead of him, just knowing the finance, eg mortgage,

Oh talk of which could you ask about the mortgage payments being interest only this might give you some extra cash until property is sold,

Both children are still at school so you need to look at the child maintenance app see what you might be entitled to along side your wage,
There is light at the end op and lots of sunshine, don't be scared,

I walked away from my ex after nearly 30 years. We didn’t own a house. I wanted nothing, took nothing and just rejoiced at being free. No abuse or anything, just I’d married the wrong person at 17.

I then met a man I really loved 👍

It can be done.

Well done on making the decision to divorce. No amount of money is worth staying with a horrible abusive cruel man. Get yourself to a solicitor asap and get some advice from Citizen's Advice re housing and money. You can also call Women's Aid for advice about leaving an abusive relationship. There is lots of help out there, you are not alone, you just need to access the right support. Wishing you all the best to get through the tough time - there is light at the end of this tunnel and you can and will reach a place of peace and security 💐

Please please get out of this awful marriage, at whatever cost. I know the finances will worry you, it worries everyone, but you can't actually stay in this horrendous marriage so just get out and figure out the finances. As others have said, get legal advice - you should get half of everything and then some, given the length of the marriage. I'm not sure why you alone should be paying the loan back (given it was for your joint child)? It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but as someone who has been in that tunnel, trust me the light is there and it will be like a rebirth when you are through to the other end.

I’m really sorry you’ve had to put up with him, he sounds awful. I hope you get some advice and find the courage to leave x

Women's aid can help with legal advice so worth a try going there. Where I am they do a one stop shop that gives advice on housing, benefits and legal from all the specialists. Might be worth speaking to them. Since you are married you would be entitled to half of everything and if you have custody of the kids you’d be entitled to child maintenance. You can do this x

The starting point for a long marriage like yours will be 50-50 - and that includes the house, all savings (whether in his name or yours) all other assets and pensions, and all liabilities, like your loan. If you are main carer for the DC you may be entitled to child maintenance and/or a larger % of the assets.
He will probably try to ring-fence the £50k his parents gave him - but it could be argued that the money has entered matrimonial assets when it paid off the mortgage on a property you both own. It's up to you whether you want to make that argument or not.
Does he have an income, savings & pensions? Sounds like he is already secretive about money if he gets everything sent to his parents.
He will have to declare all assets and income - my solicitor asked for statements going back a full year, to help ensure no money had been hidden. Make sure this is done - as I wouldn't be surprised if he was currently transferring assets over to his parents to stop you getting your share.
Good luck - divorcing a horrible man is not easy. Consult a solicitor - you are entitled to take legal fees out of marital assets - they will be able to advise you - and IMHO (having gone through it recently) a good solicitor is well worth it to push for what you are entitled to. Use places like Citizen's advice and Women's Aid for support too, and remember, you will get through this.

You can get help with the £600 admin fee, I’m not sure if you have to be in receipt of benefits though. I borrowed the money to start the process as we had a joint account, and he would have noticed. If you’re able to have a civilised discussion about asset splitting (and for a long marriage like yours there’s not a great deal of contention; the starting point is 50:50) then the only other cost is to have a solicitor draw up the consent order. Which isn’t much. You can even do it yourself with help from wikivorce (although that was beyond me, I’m sure it’s possible).
However, your husband sounds like he might not be civilised. In which case you’ll have to try and drive the point into his skull that if he fights you regarding monies due to you as his spouse, then it’s going to be REALLY expensive, going through the court process. If he tries to hide money as pp suggests (and he well might), then the cost of a forensic accountant will be taken from your joint marital pot. And the end result will still be 50:50. Will he understand that do you think?
Best of luck. I do know how difficult it is. Remember; getting divorced is horrible. BEING divorced, however, is blissful. Sending strength and solidarity.

Oh, and also. My solicitor said it was important that I was the one who filed the divorce application, not my ex, because it meant that I was in control of the timeline. Having seen a friend who’s in the middle of the process dealing with a nightmare ex who’s stalling and not applying for the conditional order, I’ve blessed her many times for that advice.

Thank you all so much for your messages of advice and support.
he won’t speak to me he has told me to wait and see what he is going to do. This was yesterday when I tried talking to him) not shouting, but that is all he said to me. So I am not going to say anymore about it I will take your advice and just smile and get on with what I should have done years ago.
i am so scared, but I will keep reading your messages.
i just wish my Mum knew what I was doing as she would have been so proud, she told me even on the wedding day not to do it, but at 24 I thought I knew it all.
Thank you again nd if there is anything else you think of that I should know then please let me know.
xxxxxx

OK op so now you know he's not going to play ball,

So you now go ' grey rock' do not give him any information about what your up to,
Just smile,

Yes of course your scared, but along the way you will become excited op believe me, there's nothing more he can do , you have to control this , yes he'll make it difficult of course he will you know that, but you will find the strength 💪 op, .
So housing, look into and register with HA see what's out there, privately will be expensive? Unless you know of someone who's renting their home,

Gather all any information on finance's, get the house valued that will shake him up abit, and ask for interest only payments for now on till its sold,

Keep yours and children's passports safe,
Honestly if you can start the divorce process via gov.uk its really easy to fill in, you don't need to communicate with him as they will forward all via email,

Not sure were abouts you are, But ask around your local shops for rentals above the shops, my friend did this and got a 3 bed flat which suited here and children moved in till her property was sold, just a thought op

OP - not sure if anyone has linked to this yet, but if you go to the Divorce/Separation board, there is a link to an advice page all with tons of information, including getting help with the fee.
Here's the link:
https://www.advicenow.org.uk/get-help/family-and-children/divorce-and-separation
As for him, I just wouldn't enter into any conversations about it anymore - he'll be trying to upset & scare you. Ignore his jibes and do your research - there is plenty of support out there.
You may have been subjected to financial abuse - I think it's really suspicious that he sends his business mail to his parent's address - and you're contributing 75% of your monthly income for bills, and basically only have £50 to yourself for the month (if my calculations are correct). Speak to women's aid for advice.

LIKESTRAWBERRIESANDCREAM, thank you so much for your advice, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate what you and everyone else has done by replying. You have all boosted my confidence.
He walked in tonight when back from work and said ‘Hi’ as if nothing was said yesterday I said hello back finished folding washing and went to bed so I never mentioned anything. I am feeiling better knowing I have information to get and knowing to just Act normal.
Thank you all so much. It is good to know there is light at the end of the tunnel.
xxxxxx

Have you seen the videos on social media where women explain how they managed to save up money to get divorced. They’d buy things then return them, Or buy extra things and store them, they’d sell old things on Vinted and put the funds into a separate account for leaving.

if he put money gifted from his parents into a jointly owned house with yourself then he loses any rights associated with gifting or inheritance because it’s been used for a matrimonial asset. That is to your benefit. keep any inheritance or gifts of yours separate from joint assets to protect them.

This is the bit that worries me:

"i have said I want to get divorced and asked him what he thinks and after much badgering the response i got was ‘you are a big girl, wait and see’

although his parents unknown to me gave him ably £50.000 to finalise paying the mortgage. The house is in joint names.

He is seeing solicitors soon with his parents, he never discussed money with me and he has all his financial business sent to his parents."

Get thee to a lawyer double quick. Get one of those free sessions and ask them if his parents could have any claim on the house.

Are you sure the house is in joint names? Can you get a copy of the current title? Not one you've had for years, go to whichever govt body holds the titles register and ask for a copy of the current title.

This - I agree with this
I think it's really suspicious that he sends his business mail to his parent's address