Depressed partner

[OneTaupeLurker]

Hi, I'll try to keep it as short as possible. My partner hasn't been himself for months now he abuses alcohol. He's admitted to having a problem now. He's moved back in with his parents and left the family home because of how his moods are. I'm now on my own with 4 children. I ask him for help such as watching the youngest two children whilst I have a proper clean of the house he agrees then doesn't turn up. He'll ask to spend time with us I'll agree and he won't turn up. He's admitted to struggling with his mental health and luckily now at the point where he's seeking help and has a doctors appointment later this week. He just comes and goes as he pleases. My issue is I want to support him and hope the old him comes back but this situation is affecting my mental health too now. I feel like he's just left us and doing what he wants, he's selfish and doesn't do a single thing to help with the children even when I say I need help. I can't help but think he's being selfish but I don't know if this is just part of depression. Ive spoken to him about how he's making me feel too but it doesn't seem to of changed anything. He's completely different to how he used to be and sometimes I feel like I don't even know him at all anymore. Has anyone been in a similar situation? I feel stuck wanting to be there and support him but i know I also have to think of myself and my children

Protect yourself and your kids.

The relationship he has with alcohol is that it comes first and before you and his children. That's a reality. You can't rely on what if's and maybe's. It's best if you re-build your life separately from him.

Sounds like an excuse to check out of family responsibilities to me. Did he want 4 children?

He’s using his depression to get out of being a good partner and Dad. Cut ties and tell him he can’t come and go as he pleases anymore. You deserve better. Easier said than done, I know.

This…

He's an alcoholic, OP. You need to protect your children from that. To him nothing is more important than booze. Nothing. I’m really sorry, AlAnon can help (it’s for the families of alcoholics). Good luck 💐

Sadly, an alcoholic will prioritise alcohol over family/friends/work. It makes them unreliable and selfish. I'm not suggesting your husband isn't depressed, but alcohol won't and isn't helping his mental health problems, it will add to it. Unfortunately, the only person who can help your husband is your husband. You can offer support but ultimately he's the only one who can change how his life has become. It may be that medication short-term will help lift his mood but mostly he needs therapy to get to the root cause of his problems. You can't focus on your husband. Your priority has to be your children and yourself. Your husband isn't going to put you or your children before himself. You can't rely on your husband for help.

Thankyou for the replies. Sometimes I do think he uses his mental health as excuse and I've told him this too but everytime I say something he doesn't like he just says it's not good for his mental health. I do think you're right we need to rebuild a life without him now.