AIBU not sure what to think?

[Barefootmadre]

I think my marriage is ending slowly and painfully?
married for 10yrs, together 15. 3 kids 1 teen, 1 primary school age and 1 toddler.
life is tough, we have no support. MIL is unhinged, FIL is great but lives under the influence of MIL. No contact with my side of family, we are very isolated.

we both have full on jobs. I work PT, he works FT. Seemed to make sense considering he earns more but if I worked FT I would be level with his income.

I feel my husband isn’t supportive at all, barely looks at me unless he is in “the mood”
I am currently really sick and he doesn’t really give a fuck. Went on out to work this am despite the fact I am unable to function as a human while looking after our little one. I do most of the child care except when I work, he is there.

he was due to go away with work on Monday and Tuesday. I had a feeling this was all BS as he wouldn’t share any details (red flag?!) and of course when I called him out on it the trip magically got cancelled.
he also won’t share his work calendar with me which is also new. I am not a paranoid person, frankly in our 15 yrs I have NEVER doubted him but now I’m feeling like something isn’t right?

we argue constantly, I mean CONSTANTLY. If I say white, he says black. I think I hate him and I think he hates me?
Money is tight, I don’t know how as on paper we earn a fair amount. We don’t go on holidays, we have little to no luxury ( don’t eat out) except buying the odd bottle of Tesco £7/bottle of wine once or twice a month.

I also think there is something really wrong with him, no compassion, not really in tune with reality… when I talk to him He is miles away.
I did threaten to call his GP but he took no notice.

a friend said we are just in the thick of it and the haze will lift eventually but tbh I can’t stand to be near him.

he is a wonderful father, our children adore him and if we split up I think it would destroy them. He wasn’t always this way towards me, he has always been warm and compassionate. All of a sudden he is selfish and really quite unpleasant to be around. He isn’t violent or abusive, just plain rude.

I really want to leave but I have no where to go and no money. For a while I was hiding money to leave but he found out and told me I was being a basket case, I think he had a point to be fair, it is a mad thing to do.

actually starting to question my own sanity

help??!

I am wondering if he has his head turned by another woman at work. It's not always the case but he is rude to you and you're arguing constantly.

Your kids will pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken, between the two of you. They will hear you both rowing; sound travels. You now cannot stand being near him. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. You're showing them that currently at least, this is still acceptable to you on some level.

You are married to this man and thus have rights in law; I would consider exercising those rights fully. What is the point of you being together now; staying for the sake of the kids?. This is no legacy to be leaving them. And it is not a mad thing to have had an escape fund in your case.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment or versions of it when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

He is not a wonderful father to his children if he treats you as their mother like this. And I think they won't be destroyed (why did you use that wordl?) either if you both were to separate. Seek legal advice re all aspects of divorce and do not rely on mere supposition; get facts. Knowledge is also power.

As for the kids adoring him well it sounds like they could well be living in fear of him because of the ways he treats you; they do not want to be on the receiving end of his verbal barbs. They are probably both subservient and compliant around him. You have a choice re him and your children do not.

I think there should be transparency around scheduling and finances in a marriage. If he has changed his transparency regarding his work calendar that is a red flag.
Do you know what he earns and how much he takes home? What savings he has? We have noticed our outgoings have increased a lot due to cost of living but we both have full access to all the financial information. It sounds like you don’t?
I think it’s time for a hard chat to see what is going on and ask for the two things above. If he won’t give you access and transparency then you may have your answer.

You are so right @AttilaTheMeerkat. This is the advice I would give a friend. Thank you

@Mumlaplomb i can see every penny in and spent, and there is nothing out of the ordinary. Just as you say, increased cost of living. The only thing I can’t see is an old credit card of his he has had since before we met. As far as I am aware it doesn’t get used, I have been thinking I shpild take a look at this, I feel awful for invading his privacy or doubting him but something isn’t right.
he is either cheating or has something wrong with his brain…. Or maybe he is just a dick and it’s taken me 15 years to realise it 🤣..

In my opinion it is time to have ‘the talk’. It is time to see if he even wants to be in this relationship. It needs to be at a time when you are both calm and open to discussion (not shouted at during the heat of the moment).

You need to highlight that the way you are both relating to each other is not healthy and it needs to be sorted for the sake of the children. Time to choose whether to try to make it work, or to leave.

I'm afraid I agree there is someone else in the picture.
My husband behaved similarly when having an affair.
Unfortunately there isn't much you can do regardless except make decisions for your self. Gather what information you can and decide what your non negotiable are and what you'll do if he's not on board with them.

I don’t even know where to begin in sorting this. Doesn’t help that I am really under the weather!!

I feel like he is sucking the life right out of me 😖