Scared of change/making the wrong choice

[DazedAndConfuseddd]

I'm in two opposite and equal minds as to whether I stay in my marriage or not.

Me and my husband have been married for 4 years, together for 12 years. We have a nearly 2 year old child, I am 36 and so is he.

Our history is long and full of shared trauma - all to do with child loss/critical illness. Since raising our living child, I've had a huge shift in what I expect from him and what I want from a partner. Before our child, we were very much in survival mode and very emotionally dependant on each other. We are definitely trauma bonded which is a big reason I feel so much panic about a different type of life.

He is ADHD and has massive issues with executive dysfunction, big reactions, tunnel focusing on for example work and ignoring everything else. None of this is malicious or deliberate and I know in my heart he is a good man who loves us.

But I've become very resentful at his outbursts (at small things which come across as very teenager-like) and his inability to 'adult' in areas of life such as paperwork, bills, finances, appointments etc. He also has his outbursts in front of our child and I refuse to raise my child seeing that. I've had multiple serious conversations with him about this but every time his emotions get the better of him.

I carry most of the mental load of the house and our child. This is my default and has been since we met (which I didn't mind before kids) but now we have a child to raise, I want and expect him to put in the same effort as me. Things like packing nappy bags, feeding him meals, keeping note of the last time he had paracetamol if sick. It's always me, and if I ask him, he asks me 10 questions before just bloody DOING IT and it's driving me insane!

Because of these things I have no sexual desire towards him anymore. I feel disconnected from him and can't even be bothered communicating something thats bothering me because the reaction I get drains me.

Ok the positive side to our marriage, he does deeply love us, is a great father in terms of playing, affection etc. He has supported me through past traumas and his family are incredible. He is my best friend and knows me better than anyone. But is that it?

I'm scared about making the wrong decision especially with our child's future. I've been seriously thinking about asking him for a trial separation to both work on ourselves independently.

I've also been fantasying about being with other people which scares me.

Has anyone been through anything similar? Trial separation? Trauma bond? Worried about choosing what you want now if it might be just 'one of those things you go through' after having a child?

Either way, something has to change.

X

I’m not in any way saying he’s perfect (he’s not) but t doesn’t sound like he has changed, relationships are work and the honeymoon period doesn’t last forever. We can all fantasise, however you’re moulding someone you don’t know into your perfect reality. Have you made an effort e.g. a night away or a simple lunch date? If you have and feel like he has grown in a different direction then that’s one thing but if not it’s a first step xx

One thing that sticks out from your post like a sore thumb (to me anyway) is that now you're parents, you say you've had a huge shift in what you expect of him and you want in a partner. It all depends really on what you mean exactly by this.

If you're just talking about doing the nappies, the meals, the paracetamol doses, paying some bills and of course (probably most importantly) controlling his outbursts around your child... then this is perfectly reasonable and he should indeed step up.

If you want him to change who he is, then it's time to consider leaving him I am afraid. I'm sorry you don't feel the sexual attraction any more too, this is often the glue that holds all the other bits together. Ask yourself - could that ever come back even if he stepped up? It's important.

Oh and enjoy your fantasies! They're yours, but keep them in your head only though... for now anyway until you've decided to stay or go, then it's open season 😉

'But I've become very resentful at his outbursts (at small things which come across as very teenager-like) and his inability to 'adult' in areas of life such as paperwork, bills, finances, appointments etc. He also has his outbursts in front of our child and I refuse to raise my child seeing that. I've had multiple serious conversations with him about this but every time his emotions get the better of him'

The inability to regulate his emotions would scare me. In my experience, it does not get better on it's own, especially with trauma in a background.