How to protect DD from narcissistic ex

[StarDolphins]

I know narcissistic ex gets bandied around a lot but I’m 100% sure at the least he has strong antagonistic narcissism trait. It’s all added up since we split 4 years ago (hoover/discards etc). I just thought he was a Jekyll & Hyde type difficult character that had no empathy and shit conflict resolution. But he’s not. It’s way more than that. I’m such a strong person who doesn’t take any crap and I’m so narked with myself for not spotting it all. After the lovebombing, it came on very slowly until I was a shell of myself. He loved that I was strong & capable and intelligent..and empathetic. I could list a 100 of his traits.

He’s also a conspiracy theorist, loves Putin/Andrew Tate & Trump.

I have a Daughter with him😭 She only sees him 8 hours on a Saturday but I’m pretty sure he spends the whole time manipulating her. She comes back saying he likes Putin, and regularly says ‘Daddy said I have his blood’ ‘Daddy says Covid isn’t real ‘daddy says you’re a flapper/bad driver/mardy Maggie’. He also tells her all day how amazing he is and she’s totally on board with it all. He grabs at me - well not now because I told him to 100% stop. I can’t say a thing to him or he twists it to be my fault. I’m sure he secretly hates women. He’s made the girl in his office cry multiple times. But to the outside world, he’s extremely charming & likeable.

I want to protect my daughter and I don’t know how to? I am scared of dealing with him, he can become so aggressive. I have no idea what he’s saying to her to condition her.

I’m in a good position currently as he’s found a poor girl with low self esteem and childhood trauma that is completely compliant but he’s still texting me most days (even though I’m grey rocking him) and as strong as I am, if I go no contact, he will say I’m bitter and become aggressive.

I don’t want her to become like him. Every time she swears blind she’s right or vehemently denies something (that’s she has 100% done) I think ‘gosh, what if he’s rubbing off on her’ - I know it’s likely just 9 year old behaviour but how do I offset this?

What is he texting you about? You should only have contact with him in relation to arrangements for your daughter. I think it's fine to challenge it when she says 'Daddy says...' and just say breezily 'Yes daddy thinks a lot of things I don't agree with' or 'Well, I don't think Daddy's right about that' and then just carry on with your day.

She is with you for the vast majority of time - you will be her biggest influence. As she gets older, she will likely see him for what he is. A narcissist really only cares about themselves so he will probably not be able to maintain a relationship with her into adulthood - he's likely to always put himself first and let her down.

Try not to analyse her for evidence that she's like him - that is unhealthy and unhelpful. All little kids lie to try and get out of trouble, that's normal even when they're not very good at it!

He is your ex. Doesnt matter if he thinks you are bitter. Only have email contact and tell
him no daily calls anymore. Any DD arrangments are by email only. DD is being a 9 yo.

Thanks both. I ignore all his calls and only reply to texts about our daughter. His other texts could be about work or yesterdays was ‘scientific’ evidence Covid job causes cancer. Last week it was ‘let’s be friends, we have a long history’ because I’m grey rocking him.

I hope you’re right and I have the biggest influence for my DD. I know I shouldn’t analyse her, I really do. I will make a conscious effort to stop this!

He can be very aggressive if he thinks he’s losing control and that would not be good for me & my DD! Hopefully his new gf stays adoring him and he slowly slips away!

But you don’t need to see texts. I bet you are on eggshells with any texts from him. Take some control from him and tell him only emails from now on

Thank you, yes it’s awful. I have him on archive and only check every other day. When I do drop off Sat, I’ll say it needs to be emails going forward and it must only be about child arrangements- which actually could be done as I collect the Sat before. Last Saturday as I was leaving his house, I said “so if you pick her up next sat at 9.30am and I will collect at 6” (i.e don’t contact me in the week) and he laughed and said there’s plenty of time to sort it before then! Argh, he’s so difficult!

Aren't there parenting apps that you can use for contact about children only? Can you not use one of those in future and block his number otherwise? Tell him that you're only going to use this method of communication in future and any other attempt to contact you will just go to Spam?

I would try to give her tools to unpick his behaviour. Things like "why do you think he said that?". Or "if you like a person, would act like this or like that?". One I use a lot with my kids is "when your dad made this decision, whose needs was he thinking of? Yours or his?"
With time, they start to see through the bullshit.

Thank you, this is helpful! I love the last one! What is the second one please?