I'm interested in opinion on my marriage and whether it was abusive or not.
I met him when I was 18 he was five years older. Neither of us had any relationship experience.
The day after we met at a party he moved in (I realise that's unusual - I put that down to age and being naive).
He smoked pot and I didn't but I thought he'd outgrow it. He persuaded me that this was far better than being with a man who drinks. Over the years it increased to many joints throughout the day and urgency to buy more as soon as he ran out. He spent over £1000 a month on it so our means we're otherwise very limited. We paid a cheap rent to live in a family annexe.
He was paranoid and isolated me from friends. He was ok with me seeing my parents.
One example was when I was very first pregnant we attended a childbirth parents evening and he was furious that I might want to make friends with the other parents.
He also would regularly bring up what were to me random situations from our early years in the relationship when we'd been at a pub or festival and I had taken too long in the toilet or spoken to someone male.
I had probably ten nights out (on the clock so 7-11ish) during the 18 year relationship with female company i.e. the wives of his two friends... we are talking a restaurant meal, then perhaps a bar, then collected. It scarcely felt worthwhile as I was then made to feel under dreadful suspicion afterwards.
He was very gentle in the bedroom to the point it was missionary sex and if I wanted to do more he'd say that what I was suggesting was degrading.
I dressed very modestly because he wouldn't like me dressing in anything remotely provocative.
He didn't really celebrate occasions and actually hated my birthday because old friends would try to arrange things.
He had an enormous list of dislikes pubs, meals out, BBQs, walks, foreign holidays, 'foreigners', he talked of most women as wicked using derogative slang.
He then had two very intense interests collecting and computer gaming.
I spent 95% of the time treading on egg shells. We never argued because I mostly avoided all conversations that might enrage him or I did as I was told.
At the very end he became physical twice restraining me (when I wanted to sleep in the bedroom next door) and shouting in my face and pinning me down saying we now need to spend 24/7 time exactly together side by side. (Again no sexual assault or actual bodily harm because I gave in).
My question is I wasn't actually unhappy for a long time because this was normal to me. I felt so much empathy for him and the tough background he came from and how he'd been lead to smoking the pot because he was troubled. I think he was faithful to me. He certainly was intensely interested in me and spent 99% of his time with me (joining my workplace). He never said cruel things to me until the very end, he might have expressed disapproval but indirectly, he was actually very complimentary about me as if I was the exception to the rule with women. As mentioned before he said sex with me was love - not like other types of sex etc.
However he was only happy with me doing everything that he wanted. Not to be myself - discovering who I was.
I just want opinion really on whether this is an abusive relationship as people have since suggested to me.
I forgot to say that we married and had children. Since I left he's disowned them including suggesting quite ridiculously that they might not be his.
Focusing on the relationship with him....
What should I have done differently - I'm sure part of this was my doing (my guess is communication for starters?)
How do I make sure in future I have a healthy romantic relationship?