Marriage problems and family holiday

[CyrusTheBacterialVirus]

Hello

I'd like to understand please from people who are in bad marriages (where divorce is on the cards, has been talked about, arguing etc) but are still co-parenting in the same house, and you have kids, whether you still will go on family holidays together for the sake of the kids.

We are having a torrid time and yes divorce may be on the horizon in the next year. We act "normal" in front of the kids, but live separate lives when they're asleep. I think our differences are going to end up being irreconcilable.

They are 9 and 5, he's never been one to go on days out ever since they were born, kids know that daddy likes staying at home and they have a lot of fun with me, I take them out and about on weekends, half term, shopping, restaurants etc. Their daddy plays with them at home/takes them to park and gives them lots of attention but just within these 4 walls.

Kids are wanting to go on a foreign holiday. We haven't been since Oct 22. I promised we'd go in October half term. H agreed (this was discussed in summer) as we were getting on ok. Last few months issues have flared up between us again. H is now refusing to go on holiday this half term as "things aren't right". I know things aren't right, but I'm willing to put it to one side for a week so that we can give the kids some nice memories. We are living together, being fake around them and continuing day to day life with them so I don't see why being on holiday is a line he can't cross.

It most likely will mean that I won't feel confident to take them abroad by myself as I'm very paranoid about something happening to me and them being vulnerable miles away from home. I know mentally and physically I could take them by myself and cope fine, but I just keep imagining that I'm going to have an accident of some sort.

Should I ask again?

Go on your own or not at all. A toxic holiday is not what anyone needs. We have done separate holidays whilst living together during our divorce. The only joint thing we do is school events eg harvest festival this week.

I’m not sure you could really pretend things are ok/normal for a week of intensive living together with increased stress levels!

In this scenario you need to work on why you can’t take them alone. If you are heading towards divorce you won’t have this option in the future anyway and it’s a good opportunity to see what it will be like to separate. Holidays are often a more intense version of real life so it will be harder to fake it 24/7

Agree with PP. It’s not a good idea.

I wouldn’t recommend going together, based on my experience of our recent summer holiday. It’s not worth the stress. You’re meant to be able to relax on holiday and the stress just follows you and ruins it. If divorce is on the cards I would start getting used to taking them alone. Could you take another family member with you if you’re worried about something happening to you?

Why not take them in your own? You say they are used to you taking them out and about while ‘DH’ stays at home.

Go on your own. It would be horrid with him in the martial state you have described, and he may even try to sabotage it as he would resent you for forcing him to go.

Get good travel insurance,, understand the policy details around healthcare and repatriation, and choose a location where English is spoken widely. It will be fine

Go on your own.

Your DH is being sensible. No one, including your DCs, will have a good time if there is bad tension between you and arguments.

As a child of parents that acted like this, I wouldn’t be so sure that they think everything is okay between you

It's there a family member who would go just to be another adult? My mum would jump at the chance

Have you booked something already? I'd take the kids somewhere very kid friendly like butlins or centre parks in the UK.

Go by yourself - you will be absolutely fine! I'm a single parent - I was nervous initially but now I've traveled the world with my kid. It really does build amazing memories and a bond. Please don't take a tense relationship on the road with you and your kids. They deserve better!

Go on your own. You don't need him to babysit you.

Use a reputable tour operator, where flights and transfers are all included, and where you might have a rep at your accommodation so that if anything goes wrong (and it won't of course) or you just want a bit of help or someone to answer questions, you will be well looked after.

Sadly, serious relationship problems impede a lot of life, so your promise to the DC wasn’t one you can fulfil.

If it’s not booked wouldn’t go, would apologise to the DC, agree with your H on an excuse, and do other nice things. Save the money, you’ll need it.

If already booked would go without him, it’ll build confidence by doing it and it’s unlikely the scenarios you fear while you’re away will come to pass.

You can't make him go away if he doesn't want to. Is there anyone else who could/would go away with you?

Your husband is right in refusing to go. You're having serious relationship issues. You're not going to be able to go travel and cover those up being in very close quarters for a week. You're not going to be giving them nice memories.

Kids are smarter and pick up on a lot more than you're giving them credit for.

This is not money well spent when you're heading for divorce.

I did this. Myself and my wife took our two kids on a dream holiday while we were not in a good place.

Yes they had fun but despite our best efforts the kids knew something was off.

Even away from holiday they knew.

Then my wifes affair came to light and we almost broke. I'd never stopped loving my wife. Not even for an instant.

We tried a small getaway in this country while we were working out what to do. I think we were just desperate for a change of scenery.

A lot happened following that and we came within a hairs width of divorce and her moving out. Like packing bags close. Then I did something sitcom silly and told her about it as I always do when I screw up in a mr bean style.
That laugh sparked. And through a lot of hard work and harder truths. We made it work and now we are in the best place. Each day starts with a kiss. We are silly together again and the fun is back as is the love.

The kids picked up on it and even though our eldest, our teanage daughter knows everything and how close to the end we were. Her and her little brother are doing so much better in everything but especially in general happiness and mental health.

So we decided on a do-over and went away on another overseas holiday in the sun. And the difference! We all had the best time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is. Your kids know instinctively that somethings not right. Having a holiday while pretending will not make the memories you want especially if you are thinking it may be the last one.

Instead get counselling with the money. Figure out what you both want for yourselves. Stay together or separate. Have those hard conversations and tell those hard truths.

If you do decide to try and make it work. I cannot recommend an app called Paired enough. We used it and it got us both talking about things we had no idea about in each other. It asks daily questions around relationships and such and you can only see your partners answer once you have answered. Over 20 years together and we are still surprised by how much more there is to know about each other.

Best of luck to you.

You will feel very empowered going on your own especially heading into a divorce when you will have to do most thing alone with your kids. Head up! You can do this. Pick somewhere easy to fly to..lits if kids activities and you will be very glad you did.

You are going to be a single mum soon so you light as well take the plunge now and take the kids away by yourself. It’s honestly no big deal. I travelled alone with mine since they were 6 months and 17 months, ay 5 and 9 they will so much easier to manage.

My parents clung on too long too and although they pretended all was fine us kids knew it wasn’t. It caused all of us to be quite anxious as kids. There was just no warmth at home anymore, and an weird undercurrent of irritability. Don’t drag this out longer than you absolutely have to.

Thank you. I think i'll let the kids down gently and do something here in the UK. I agree I shouldn't force him, and he's right not to want to go.

I'm glad I posted - thank you

I'm glad you've agreed you shouldn't travel together but please do think about going abroad if you can easily afford it. There's lots of ways to do it easily and once you do it once you'll have so much more confidence to try new things next time.

A nice UK holiday with just you and the kids. Book somewhere where everything is on site, pool/restaurants nice easy walks and entertainment/activities. Don't go with the DH - it won't work.

The chances of something happening to you abroad is miniscule OP. Bite the bullet and book that overseas holiday with your kids. Leave DH at home.

Will you not take them abroad once you divorce?

A UK break sounds good. It doesn’t sound like the right time for you to do a foreign break. I think you need to prioritise what you are going to do with your marriage, otherwise you’re a bit stuck as a family really. Pretending like things are normal for the sake of the children is going to take its toll on you both, and ultimately that’ll impact the kids anyway.

Do a UK break, and maybe consider marriage counselling or starting the process of separation. It sounds like you live separate lives anyway, so there’s no point staying married.