Leaving when things aren't THAT bad

[Aperolspritz91]

I currently feel like I'm in between a rock and a hard place. I have been with my partner for 10 years and lived together 7. This was my first serious relationship and I admittedly let him treat me like sh*t in the beginning as I didn't know much better. I've worked on myself a lot, specifically in the last 2 years with a lot of counselling and dealing with past trauma. This has obviously caused me to reassess my boundaries and it did cause some upset between us. I started standing up for myself and asking for better to be honest.

He has improved over the last few years but things were really terrible before that at the point of punching walls and being utterly horrible to me (examples calling me retarded, controlling comments, using past abuse against me, treating me like a child). He did apologise and I've tried to let it go. He tells me he loves me all the time and things had been good for the most part now. However we are going through a very stressful period and we had an argument where he started throwing stuff and slamming doors again. He's making comments that make me feel stupid or putting me down over trivial stuff and treating me like a child again.

I now don't think he can actually change as he always starts this behaviour again. I feel like I'm watching my own behaviour to try to avoid a put down comment or eventually a big argument. It's not as bad as it was before and I like my life, I feel like I have to go through the horrible part of leaving and that I might regret it because I do still love him. But my family also dislike him as he's treated me badly infront of them on several occasions so I feel a bit of a joke for still being with him . I think I need a reality check about the future and a confidence boost to actually leave if anyone has some good advice please?

Your version of “not that bad”

is my version of utterly awful and I wouldn’t have endured it for a week let alone a decade

Your benchmark is fucked op because you had no proper experience before this relationship and you probably had parents with a poor relationship?

Do you have children together?
You work?

Just how bad do you think is bad enough to leave given that your relationship doesn't sound bad, it sounds bloody awful?

He's committing domestic violence, speak to women's aid.
Who owns the house?

@Halfaday yes I haven't had any good male role models when I was younger and grew up with a single mother so I think I have a warped view of what's normal. I work yes and no kids thankfully.

@ButSheSaid we jointly own the house so would need to sell

I think if you read your first post back to yourself, you know that you need to leave him asap

I do know this deep down, just feels really hard to actually do anything about it

Whatever you do or don’t do in terms of the relationship do, don’t procreate with him

This!!!!
how is your brain not screaming at you to get out?? This man is abusive and will never change. Why are you putting up with it? You said you’ve worked on yourself. Get rid of this man and keep going with the counselling.

You want him to change and it doesn't sound like he can. You could tell him that next time it happens you're gone and follow through with that, but that's probably a waste of time. And if he has such angry out bursts it could be dangerous. I would just pack up and leave, if you are concerned how he will react leave when he's out.

I think that's why I'm posting as my brain and instincts are screaming at me to get out. I'm in a constant state of anxiety after the last outburst as my gut obviously knows there is no future. Just feel so stupid that I am struggling to leave so much

You’re not stupid at all. He has conditioned you to allow this cycle to happen. You can’t live in this heightened anxious state. Please focus on the counselling and how far you have come. You have the strength in you to leave.

Aperol

Not that bad?. It's appallingly bad.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

He could read both your own lack of boundaries and a lack of self worth a mile off and went for you. He also took you warped view of what is normal and exploited that for his own ends i.e. to abuse you; he targeted you deliberately.

How helpful or otherwise good is your counsellor; does this person know about the abuse in your relationship and recognises this as an abusive relationship?. His actions towards you are in no way loving ones; they are about power and control and that is at the heart of abuse. He has continued to show you the nice/nasty cycle of abuse throughout your entire relationship. You've had seven years of this from him already and he is ruining your life too. This is who he really is and has been throughout and he is not going to change. He is not going to become the nice man you so want him to be.

This house may be jointly owned but its but bricks and mortar really and likely also holds a lot of bad memories for you. Put this house of abuse of you up for sale and move somewhere safe; this home is not the sanctuary it should be.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are being met?. None of them. You say you love him but are you really confusing this with codependency?. I would assume you are also codependent and this is doing you no favours either.

This is not all you deserve frankly. Your boundaries, already skewed by poor life experience are being further eroded by this man now. Thankfully you do not have children by him so keep it that way.

It's but a short distance from hitting walls into hitting you. If he at all decides that the current level of power and control against you is not sufficient you could end up being physically hit too.

Speak to Womens Aid and get their advice re ending this relationship with your safety in mind. Seek legal advice re the house and put it on the market. Do not be afraid to call the police here either if he kicks off. Block him on all channels and do not let him contact you going forward. Enrol yourself on to the Freedom Programme too as this is for those who have been in abusive relationships.

It does not feel easy to leave and he has indeed conditioned you into thinking that you cannot leave him and or would be nothing without him. These trauma type bonds can be hard to break but they can be broken.

Keep posting here, keep seeing your counsellor and use the resources suggested to help you leave your abuser.

If this person does go to work consider leaving whilst he is out with your important documents and papers (birth certificate, passport, driving licence etc).

You owe this man nothing let alone a relationship here and it is over anyway because of the abuse he metes out to you.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and you are not his emotional punchbag nor some rehab centre for this badly raised man.

A relationship can still have good things in it but the bad things can outweigh the good and that is when you call it a day. It is entirely up to you what you put up with and where the tipping point is.

It sounds like your family would be on your side and help you through it.

You are correct - abusers don't change. They can be on best behaviour for a while, but it always creeps back, and often gets worse.

You have one life. Do you really want to spend it like this?

I was in a similar relationship, found it very hard to leave, when I asked for advice I was told to leave and at that stage I had a great job and no children and I was in my early 30s, I dithered and inertia kept me there. He would throw what I now know were scraps of affections, show little changes, made grand gestures when I looked like I had a foot in the door, and I stayed. We then had a son (who is the love of my life so no regrets ofcourse) and I was in my late 40s before I eventually found the courage to leave, and it was SO much harder than it would have been if I had left in my early 30s. Court cases, mediation, complex nasty separation, and we still have to co-parent so can't go no contact. Leave when it is simple. Make new memories (and a baby should you want one) in a healthy relationship. Good luck!

Thank you this is really helpful as it sounds exactly like the point I'm at and know that it's easier now before marriage, kids etc and that I could have a clean break if I left now

Do nothing and you’ll live your days out feeling like you do now. Don’t you want a happy life?

It's very hard to leave these kinds of relationships where your self-esteem has been eroded slowly and where there is no physical abuse or abuse is sporadic.

The truth is that abusive men are not abusive all the time or no one would stay with them for longer than a few months...it goes in cycles. Punching walls and slamming doors and throwing things is a way to cause fear in you to get a reaction he likes (to dominate you) or to cause you to change your behaviour (stop asking for things, go back to status quo etc). Often, I guess he can also be amazing and even sometimes supportive which makes it even harder.

You are doing a great job of looking at your relationship with honest eyes and asking these questions. I found it so hard to do the same in my marriage and am still in the process...

There's a great book called 'Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Here's the free PDF. It REALLY helped me see some of the signs of control and abuse that I had experienced in my own relationship and the impact on me. Good luck, DM me if you like!

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

@DeepRubySwan thank you for this, I have read some of that having seen it shared on other threads on here. I think that's why I'm finding it so hard at the moment and I look back wishing I'd left when things were bad as I now feel like they aren't that bad or it's not that often. But the eggshells are still there waiting for a blow up and there are still the smaller comments etc that make me unhappy on a daily basis. Trying to remind myself life is too short to be unhappy and I think I have really tried hard and long enough to be happy but just end up feeling the same

This is probably as good as it will ever be. Relationships don't have to be like that.
Beware of waking up one day at 55 and wondering where your life has gone.
Don't waste too much of it......

I would really suggest you get some therapy to figure out why you are staying in this. Our vulnerabilities and insecurities play a big part in keeping us locked in. You deserve better but you have to believe that to make a change.