Two years ago, I had probably the worst birthday of my life. My wife got me nothing. Not even a card. She asked what I wanted for breakfast, and when I asked for pancakes she told me I'd have to make them myself because she 'didn't know how'. Then she told me she'd booked onto a distillery tour, but only because we got a voucher for a free tour in a gift bag. I also had to drive to it because she didn't drive (a source of much frustration in itself) so she drank all the free samples and then bought me a novelty glass in the gift shop. We did finally go out for dinner at the place I suggested on the day, nothing was booked ahead of time, and she saw off another couple of pints knowing I'd be driving home. I was so upset and embarrassed by the whole thing but I was deep in the trenches of seasonal depression that I just wanted to get it over with. I felt so low and unloved.
Last year she asked what I wanted for my birthday the evening before, and when I said I just want something that showed she'd thought of me, she rolled her eyes and said 'euuurggh that's so much pressure'. I remember having a big cry in the car because I was so anxious of a repeat of the previous year. Luckily she did come through with something, a nice weekend away, although I suspect it was booked the night before because she was up late.
And so here we are again. It's my birthday tomorrow. She asked me last night what I wanted, despite me consciously giving dozens of suggestions of simple things in the last few weeks, leaving tabs open of things on the computer, lists of books etc on the coffee table. I didn't even reply because she was obviously just going to quickly Prime something. I was also away all day on Sunday. She had all day to go out and get me something, anything, but she obviously didn't.
I'm just so sick and tired of feeling like an afterthought. I feel sick with anxiety waiting for my birthday knowing that if I get anything at all, it'll have been cobbled together at the last second.
I don't even want much. It's the principle. I just want to be remembered and considered. Like a couple of my favourite treats, maybe the new book by that author I like, or a framed photo. Something that shows that the person that is supposed to know me best and love me the most, gave me more than a moments right
I don't know what I want from this post. It's just a moan really. I'm always so thoroughly depressed and let down on my birthday. I just don't know what to do... Apart from lower my expectations to the floor I guess and order myself some flowers.