14 Years ..Mad to throw it away?

Ab11E · 2025-09-29T14:50:46+00:00

I’m looking for some kind respectful advice…. I’ve beaten myself up enough. So I have been with my partner for 14 years we have one child together. I have 1 from a previous relationship. We have recently moved house and it caused a bit of a lightbulb moment for me of is this what I want? For context, I have an older DD when I met my partner we lived in two separate areas, he had a house I had a flat I was renting he owned so it made sense that we moved with him. This involved a change of schools a relocation about 30 minutes away from where we originally lived. I didn’t want to live in this area however it was/is a serious relationship and after a couple of years of being together we wanted to start a family so it made financial sense. Since then we have bought our own house the first one was after our DD was born. This was a huge mistake nightmare neighbours which meant we had to move within a year. Out house we have just sold We moved to because my eldest DD was still in secondary school so couldn’t relocate, we did up over a period of seven years and as our mortgage come up for renewal and we would be paying a bigger mortgage we decided it would be the right time to move still in the local area as now my DD is in year five so I wouldn’t be looking to move her. However, this move caused such a massive stress reaction I’ve lost a stone in weight over a three week period, I’m questioning why didn’t we wait another two years so that we could look at moving out of the area which is really what I want to do however this is also got me questioning if my partner and I are still right for each other as he is dead set on this being the house we’re in for the next 10 years and I can hand on heart say I cannot do that. I cannot be in this area. This isn’t my home. I moved here from my home for him all those years ago as it was the right decision for us as a family however now we’ve had that family I feel like I’m stuck. I really don’t know if this is making any sense to anyone it’s not really about the house. It’s a nice house. I’m very lucky I recognise and appreciate what I have. However what I’m missing is that wholesome feeling of being home both in the practical sense and the sense within my partner in relationship does that make sense to anyone? we have discussed relocating and the areas that he would and would not go to And basically they are the areas that I would like to be in, the thing is I am desperately searching to feel like I am at home like I am grounded like I am at peace and I just don’t feel like I have felt that for all this time. I have told him how I feel and how serious this is. I’ve asked him to go to counselling with me but he just brushes it off and says we don’t need it. We’re fine. This was the right decision. It will all work out I’m nearly 40 I don’t want it to just work out on the off chance. I want to really enjoy my life and I constantly feel like I’m just waiting until I feel this at home feeling until I do.Has anyone ever experienced anything like?

Arlanymor · 29/09/2025 16:03

It sounds to me that you made a choice about your new home and now it's not working out you are looking to blame someone and you are choosing your partner. What is this feeling of peace that you are searching for? It doesn't just come from where you live, but how you live. And that's no one else's responsibility but yours.

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic but from your account this is almost as if stuff has happened to you, rather than you making choices - which you have, and have made those for you and your children. It's fine to say something hasn't worked out and it sounds as if your partner doesn't feel that way, and he's entitled to feel that way too.

Is it really just about the house or something more deep rooted? Because you have this view that 'you moved for him' - it benefited you too, didn't it? It wasn't just for him. I am not being unkind, but you seem very dissatisfied and seeking a way of sorting it out which means jettisoning someone else rather than maybe thinking hard about what you really want out of life.

Original poster

Ab11E · 29/09/2025 17:20

Thank you for your reply - I’ve made the best choices for us all in each situation and yes I did move for him - he didn’t want to live where we did so yes I moved my life for him - of course it benefited me otherwise I wouldn’t of done it? It benefited me to be with someone I loved and wanted to start a family with, we never agreed to be in the new location for this long. It benefited him as he didn’t need to move from his home town or family. In life you make compromises and I’ve made my fair share, now I would like to have some of those compromises made back? Suggesting that I'm abandoning my relationship as by way of sorting it out isn’t very kind especially when I’ve noted how I’ve spoken with him and asked him to go to counselling

OP posts:

UpDownAllAround1 · 29/09/2025 18:01

Do you want to be with him as he is now? The house situation appears to me to be a smokescreen to deeper unhappiness

Mrswhiskers87 · 29/09/2025 18:45

Did you say you’ve moved 30 mins away? That’s hardly the opposite end of the world. Surely you and DP can compromise. Sounds like the issue you present is a red herring and there are deeper issues.

Original poster

Ab11E · 29/09/2025 20:17

I desperately want our relationship to work - we have a beautiful family and the last thing I ever want is for it to be broken - but I’m not happy , the house has highlighted this. I’ve tried talking to him and explaining but he shuts it down and refuses to acknowledge how I’m feeling.

OP posts:

Lancrelady80 · 29/09/2025 20:32

You've made compromises but he's not even going acknowledge your feelings, let alone consider changing a situation that works 100% for him - he has everything he wants, why would he change anything if he thinks you'll let it go? And he's banking on you giving in on this too.

But...

I’ve tried talking to him and explaining but he shuts it down and refuses to acknowledge how I’m feeling.

This is the real issue right here. He needs to realise how serious this is for you, not shut you down. Not much of a partner if he won't listen and take your feelings seriously - even if you're on totally different pages, you at least try to get where the other one is coming from, not refuse to acknowledge the other point of view's existence!

toodleoothen · 29/09/2025 20:55

I can't tell from your post why the house move is such a big deal for you. Seems like there is something else underneath. If it is just the house, why not see how it pans out and reconsider in two years (rather than worry about staying there for 10 years etc). Circumstances evolve. I would suggest you go for counseling by yourself to disentangle your own thoughts and feelings on this. It will be clarifying.

Lucie390 · 29/09/2025 21:12

Ab11E · 29/09/2025 17:20

Thank you for your reply - I’ve made the best choices for us all in each situation and yes I did move for him - he didn’t want to live where we did so yes I moved my life for him - of course it benefited me otherwise I wouldn’t of done it? It benefited me to be with someone I loved and wanted to start a family with, we never agreed to be in the new location for this long. It benefited him as he didn’t need to move from his home town or family. In life you make compromises and I’ve made my fair share, now I would like to have some of those compromises made back? Suggesting that I'm abandoning my relationship as by way of sorting it out isn’t very kind especially when I’ve noted how I’ve spoken with him and asked him to go to counselling

I posted on here the other week something about a situation I was in with my husband and how I was wondering if the marriage was right. People were genuine horrible on here, they tore my marriage the shreds on here, then tried to say I didn’t want to hear the truth. It was all very over the top for something quite minor. I just wanted someone else opinion outside of my family.

I’m sorry to see you have had the same unhelpful reply (maybe it’s the same misery- has such a happy life that she spends all her time on here critiquing other peoples !)

I do hope you can find some resolution. We all make decisions that we believe are the best at the time but things can pan out differently. It doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision. It’s also very difficult when there are so many different parties involved- trying to do the best for partners, kids etc.

please be kind to yourself x

Endofyear · 29/09/2025 22:26

I can't work out from your post if you're unhappy with the house or with your relationship? It sounds like you're regretting the decisions you've made in the past but I'm not sure why that's your partner's fault?

MrsKateColumbo · 29/09/2025 22:37

I think the thing to bear in mind is, your new area is your DD2'S home, If you moved it would be her moving away from friends/activities/local things.

Is it a terrible place? I live 100 miles from "home", im never going back which gives me little pangs sometimes but that's life.

Has this all come to a point because your elder dd is finishing uni/school and moving into her life, your younger DD is moving into her secondary school phase and you (like me!) Are 40 soon, when you look back on your decisions of your youth as you love into middle age.

LifeSurvior · 29/09/2025 23:09

I think I get you because I have felt the same way years ago.
It's about feeling this is where you feel like home, this is where you want to put down roots and stay, feel like it's your family house/ environment and you are finally home. I so yearned to move to the coast when mine where little.
I live in Oldham
I couldn't move because of my partners job so bunkered down and made the best of it, made connections, gave it everything.
Now our kids are at uni they come home and see it as the family home so I now feel better, that I do have that family home I dreamed of that has history and lovely memories.
I absolutely know where you are coming from though OP, it's a yearning for that permanent, safe, family house that you can see yourself in when you are old.. I compromised by making the house into everything I wanted just wasn't by the coast as I would have wished.

Breadandsticks · 30/09/2025 01:45

I agree with others.

When I read your post it feels like there is a large bit of information missing - it sounds like your unhappiness is coming from somewhere else - but the house is what you are focusing on.

You have moved once because you had bad neighbours, do you need to put your family through another move?

You mention your family, do you want them in your life more. Can you organise family get-togethers to feel closer to them and build memories.

What do you hate about your house? Your area? I remember not feeling like home because I outgrew my house. I also missed my old area because I made all of my friends and connections there, but I visited - sadly it’s too expensive to move back - but over the years I made new connection.

I think you need councelling to uncover what is going on internally.

If you were my partner and you told me that you want us to relocate and move (again) and you explained it the way you have in your post - I would be very confused and I would want to understand where the deep dissatisfaction comes in.

FeistyFrankie · 30/09/2025 04:01

OP from what I can see, you made a choice all those years ago, that resulted in you feeling misaligned within your own life. You made a compromise in order to be in the relationship, and now, all these years later, you are asking for the same in return - to have your preferences and choices regarding where you lived honoured by your partner - and it is falling on deaf ears. Which imo makes that initial compromise that you made all those years even more painful because now, you want the same thing in return, and you're not getting it.

The only thing you can do is seriously talk to your partner and make it extremely clear that you'll be going - with or without him. Put your foot down. Why is he making all the decisions? Where is your voice?

I also think that you need to really think about how happy you are in this relationship. Are you happy right now? Is it really the house situation that's getting you down, or is the house a symptom of something else, a mismatch or incompatibility between you and your partner?

My personal view is that, while compromising is a standard part of a relationship, if you feel like you're the one doing most of the compromising, or it feels very one-sided.. is this really the relationship for you?

Original poster

Ab11E · 30/09/2025 07:10

Endofyear · 29/09/2025 22:26

I can't work out from your post if you're unhappy with the house or with your relationship? It sounds like you're regretting the decisions you've made in the past but I'm not sure why that's your partner's fault?

I never placed blame or faulted my partner

OP posts:

Original poster

Ab11E · 30/09/2025 07:10

Lucie390 · 29/09/2025 21:12

I posted on here the other week something about a situation I was in with my husband and how I was wondering if the marriage was right. People were genuine horrible on here, they tore my marriage the shreds on here, then tried to say I didn’t want to hear the truth. It was all very over the top for something quite minor. I just wanted someone else opinion outside of my family.

I’m sorry to see you have had the same unhelpful reply (maybe it’s the same misery- has such a happy life that she spends all her time on here critiquing other peoples !)

I do hope you can find some resolution. We all make decisions that we believe are the best at the time but things can pan out differently. It doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision. It’s also very difficult when there are so many different parties involved- trying to do the best for partners, kids etc.

please be kind to yourself x

Show quote history

Thank you ❤️

OP posts:

Original poster

Ab11E · 30/09/2025 07:14

MrsKateColumbo · 29/09/2025 22:37

I think the thing to bear in mind is, your new area is your DD2'S home, If you moved it would be her moving away from friends/activities/local things.

Is it a terrible place? I live 100 miles from "home", im never going back which gives me little pangs sometimes but that's life.

Has this all come to a point because your elder dd is finishing uni/school and moving into her life, your younger DD is moving into her secondary school phase and you (like me!) Are 40 soon, when you look back on your decisions of your youth as you love into middle age.

I think this quite possibly does play a part - I’m trying to navigate how I feel inline with what’s best for my DD and support my partner - every choice I’ve made has had them all put first.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ab11E · 30/09/2025 07:17

LifeSurvior · 29/09/2025 23:09

I think I get you because I have felt the same way years ago.
It's about feeling this is where you feel like home, this is where you want to put down roots and stay, feel like it's your family house/ environment and you are finally home. I so yearned to move to the coast when mine where little.
I live in Oldham
I couldn't move because of my partners job so bunkered down and made the best of it, made connections, gave it everything.
Now our kids are at uni they come home and see it as the family home so I now feel better, that I do have that family home I dreamed of that has history and lovely memories.
I absolutely know where you are coming from though OP, it's a yearning for that permanent, safe, family house that you can see yourself in when you are old.. I compromised by making the house into everything I wanted just wasn't by the coast as I would have wished.

Thank you for this - X

OP posts:

Original poster

Ab11E · 30/09/2025 07:23

Breadandsticks · 30/09/2025 01:45

I agree with others.

When I read your post it feels like there is a large bit of information missing - it sounds like your unhappiness is coming from somewhere else - but the house is what you are focusing on.

You have moved once because you had bad neighbours, do you need to put your family through another move?

You mention your family, do you want them in your life more. Can you organise family get-togethers to feel closer to them and build memories.

What do you hate about your house? Your area? I remember not feeling like home because I outgrew my house. I also missed my old area because I made all of my friends and connections there, but I visited - sadly it’s too expensive to move back - but over the years I made new connection.

I think you need councelling to uncover what is going on internally.

If you were my partner and you told me that you want us to relocate and move (again) and you explained it the way you have in your post - I would be very confused and I would want to understand where the deep dissatisfaction comes in.

Of course there has lots of context and lots of information. It’s hard to write that all on one post. Your reply insinuate that I’ve put my family through a lot and my partner would be super confused as to where all this is coming from. I can assure you that really isn’t the case, but thanks for your reply.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ab11E · 30/09/2025 07:24

FeistyFrankie · 30/09/2025 04:01

OP from what I can see, you made a choice all those years ago, that resulted in you feeling misaligned within your own life. You made a compromise in order to be in the relationship, and now, all these years later, you are asking for the same in return - to have your preferences and choices regarding where you lived honoured by your partner - and it is falling on deaf ears. Which imo makes that initial compromise that you made all those years even more painful because now, you want the same thing in return, and you're not getting it.

The only thing you can do is seriously talk to your partner and make it extremely clear that you'll be going - with or without him. Put your foot down. Why is he making all the decisions? Where is your voice?

I also think that you need to really think about how happy you are in this relationship. Are you happy right now? Is it really the house situation that's getting you down, or is the house a symptom of something else, a mismatch or incompatibility between you and your partner?

My personal view is that, while compromising is a standard part of a relationship, if you feel like you're the one doing most of the compromising, or it feels very one-sided.. is this really the relationship for you?

Thank you ❤️

OP posts:

Original poster

Ab11E · 30/09/2025 11:39

Lancrelady80 · 29/09/2025 20:32

You've made compromises but he's not even going acknowledge your feelings, let alone consider changing a situation that works 100% for him - he has everything he wants, why would he change anything if he thinks you'll let it go? And he's banking on you giving in on this too.

But...

I’ve tried talking to him and explaining but he shuts it down and refuses to acknowledge how I’m feeling.

This is the real issue right here. He needs to realise how serious this is for you, not shut you down. Not much of a partner if he won't listen and take your feelings seriously - even if you're on totally different pages, you at least try to get where the other one is coming from, not refuse to acknowledge the other point of view's existence!

Thank you x

OP posts:

Original poster

Ab11E · 30/09/2025 11:42

toodleoothen · 29/09/2025 20:55

I can't tell from your post why the house move is such a big deal for you. Seems like there is something else underneath. If it is just the house, why not see how it pans out and reconsider in two years (rather than worry about staying there for 10 years etc). Circumstances evolve. I would suggest you go for counseling by yourself to disentangle your own thoughts and feelings on this. It will be clarifying.

Thank you x

OP posts:

ginasevern · 30/09/2025 13:06

But you're only 30 minutes from the area you prefer. Is that right?

Rainbows41 · 30/09/2025 13:54

Your post isnt clear. How many times have you moved and what are the time frames?
Why did you buy your current home if it was not in a location you want to live in?
Your home is what you make it. It can absolutely be as warm and inviting as you want it to be.
There must have been some charm to the reason why you chose to live, or if it was a stepping stone to say, a bigger property further out in the future your husband would have been aware and would have agreed to this notion.
You are seeking counselling for not feeling settled in your current home - why? This strikes me very much as something that is going on in your mind that you are having difficulty controlling, ie your mindset.
I can't help but feel that there is much, much more to this than simply bricks and mortar.