Am I being unfair? Thinking of ending my marriage because I don’t love my husband.

[Tuttiker1955]

I have been having this thought on and off for a few years, I am seeking help and therapy for past and present trauma but I can’t stop this niggling anxiety around my marriage. We have known each other 12 years, been together 10 and married for 8 years.

Just to outline my husband is a lovely person, he is a great father, he has never hurt me physically and I do love him but not as a partner more as a friend. I am actually unsure as to whether I have ever truly loved him.

He has qualities that as time has gone on have started to get under my skin, these are things that I have approached him about over the years but it gets better then we fall back into the pattern. Some of the things have been a mild form of emotional abuse (I use the term abuse lightly).

As time has passed I think I latched to my husband as we were close friends (best friends almost) when we got together and at the time I had been through some serious losses in my life and was approaching 30 with the whole not where I thought I would be going through my head.

I changed a lot of myself as my husband had a lot of issues and I hate confrontation and found it easy to bury parts of myself to alleviate his needs.

I turned 40 this year and have been stressing over this a lot as I really don’t want to spend the rest of my life just going through the motions.

has anyone ever just fallen out of love and ended a marriage because of it?

OP sounds like your mind is made up and it’s corroboration not advice you’re looking for?

You are having therapy for past & present trauma? Is the present trauma caused by DH or other things? If it's not DH how supportive was/is he during that trauma?

there are so many different things to consider in these situations & people can only advise on what you've written. I think your best bet is to discuss this in depth with your therapist.

you can, of course, leave your DH if you want to, 'Fair' doesn't come into it. But you need to consider why you would be leaving & what you hope to gain from it?

I live on my own, I'm happy being single for the most part, BUT, it is sometimes very hard not having that someone who has your back. I had a stroke in January & it has been very hard on my own (emotionally as much as practically) & while 'just in case' isn't a reason to stay with someone, I think you do need to really consider what you think you would be gaining by leaving.

its been many years since you were the person you were before you married him, we all change. Is he really stopping you being the person you want to be? Or are you?

Jeez women really are conditioned to put everyone else first aren't we?
@Tuttiker1955 I was in your position. Long marriage, kids, in my 40s, "nice" husband who wasn't physically abusive, neither of us had an affair, both good parents.
But something was just completely dead between us. Not just in terms of sex but affection as well. He didn't even feel like a friend, more of a business partner. He was also very critical, not overtly but in a snide way. Incredibly passive aggressive.
We tried a lot of counselling which he ended as it wasn't going the way he wanted. He didn't really want to work on us, he was just frightened of being alone.
My advice to you is to try counselling and see if your DH engages properly. If he does there may be hope. Working at a marriage doesn't involve just sticking together, you both need to actively try to understand what the other person needs.
We split up and I don't regret it. But it's certainly not a bed of roses either. I am much happier but I have also had some difficult times that I wouldn't have experienced if I stayed.
I do feel enormous guilt for my dc. I wish they could've had a happy mum & dad staying together. My sadness is that their dad remarried very quickly to someone who hates them. She's caused huge problems between my dc and their dad. I believe this is because my ex didn't take the time to heal and grow when we split and meet someone in a better headspace.
I now have a DP. We have our ups and downs, blended families aren't easy, but we really love each other and have the same goals in life. I think this gets you through a lot. We are also willing to discuss issues and grow together.
You don't need to rush into anything, take your time. Also realise that your 40s are a time of reflection and for women the beginnings of perimenopause. This can have a big effect on how you view things and cause restlessness. Don't feel guilty for having these feelings. You have one life.

No answers but I’m in the same position, literally could have written this myself apart from we have been together 20 years. I seem to go through these feeling every few years and then we fall back into things being ok. I have recently lay awake thinking about the future and what it would look like without him. It’s very tough.

stay strong what ever you decide. Just take things slowly I guess and don’t make any rash decisions x

If you don't love him then I think for you both I would end it the man sounds kind I have been with my dh 10 years and unlike some people who do happily live separate lives most the time our relationship is the opposite we hate being apart from each other but that's just our relationship

I'm always wary when people talk about their partners having 'trust issues' because of previous relationships. This is often an excuse for being controlling/jealous/restricting access to friends and family and the outside world. If this is the case for you then you are right to want to end the marriage.

Exactly, because there's no way of knowing the truth about their exes, and we often give them leeway they don't deserve.

I've been in two long term relationships both controlling and jealous. I was called a slapper and all kinds of names if I dared go out with friends. Once he followed me and my friends around town. The only way he would "allow" me to socialise without him.

I found out that both had cheated on their exes themselves, more than once (ie with a selection of women).

I'm not completely sure of what you mean by 'love'. I think relationships do change and evolve over time. Mine certainly have. Even when you've got a well-balanced, mutually respectful relationship, it takes work. Not hard work, but making the effort to grow and develop together.
Your almost throwaway comment about mild abuse is a red flag. You're recognising that there is abuse, maybe quite subtle, probably you're so used to it you've become numb - someone else said similar earlier. This is what you really need to sort out in your own mind before you tackle the 'am I being awful not being in love any more?'

I haven’t RTFT but this sounds like a marriage that needs tending (if you care for each other) rather than abandoning.

In the people around me, I’ve noticed that children of parents who cut and run don’t know that successful relationships almost always go through ups and downs, don’t k ow what that looks like, haven’t had relationship-tending modeled for that, and don’t appreciate that success come from dealing with the lows as well as enjoying the highs.

If you are unhappy.. and not just for a moment here and there, but seriously unhappy in this marriage.. then leave.
You only get one life. Don't live it in faint misery. You can't always be happy in life but you can certainly try for more than this. Even if its alone.

Sorry but I'm finding this one where your trying to come across as wonderful and him not so yet the things you've mentioned are perfectly normal marriage things tbh. It's almost like your blaming him for your problems and you had them long before he came along. Oh and don't use the word abuse nothing at all is actual abuse in there if you had actually been thru it.

You sound very discontent with life. I really think you should consider working outside of the home so you have other friendships and relationships - both WFH every day must be very suffocating.
Also, get out of the house in the evenings, join a gym, a class, whatever will give you more fulfillment in life.
If these aren't viable then at least try counselling. You owe it to yourself, your DH and your DC to consider other options before leaving a marriage.

The strange thing about successful marriages is that one of the partners is the anchor. When things get a bit unsteady that person steps in with “/don’t worry it will be ok, he or she will give the hug and say,, let’s see what we can do. It’s the attention you give or receive that matter. and who says. a marriage has to be perfect. We must ask ourselves am I good enough companion, to be loved. . just. Be nice and see what what happens!

there is a downside to this. On the rare occasion when you really feel aggrieved. You explode.,,,,,,then there is a lot to make up for. But we grow in adversity too.

Imagine yourself 20 years from now. You're 60 and so is he.

What's life like?

I said something similar to a friend of mine 20 years ago when she was 40. They are now early 60’s and have just had their second daughters wedding (Indian family so you can imagine how big the wedding was) and she’s still saying the same things as she did 20 years ago. They are great friends, devoted parents and successful professionals. They travel widely together and have a good life. To the outside world they have everything, and yet they are both fundamentally unhappy because they both want an intimate, sexual relationship- just not with each other. We had a conversation recently where she said that she wants more then just the friendship that she has with her husband, but doesn’t want it from him. I suspect that he has nbeem having a discreet affair for a number of years, she she wouldn’t. I don’t think she suspects, but if she knew she wouldn’t care. I don’t know why they stay together when they are both wanting more, but I also get that it’s harder to leave at 60 then 40.
Once it’s over it rarely does improve, I speak from personal experience here. I got out when I was in my 30’s and never regretted it.