I don't know what to do

[MerryTealHare]

I've been married 6 and a half years, together 10. 2 children together 8 and 4.

Today I lifted my husband's phone to look at some pictures he took when our daughter started school so I could send them to myself to print off for her memory book.

What I then found was screenshots of my best friends instagram of her in a bikini. Now she has an amazing body, toned, constantly at the gym. I do not, I'm carrying baby weight still and no time even style my hair on a morning never mind go to the gym.

There's multiple pictures of her screen shotted from when she was younger (early 20s until now), on numberous different days. Theres a screen recording of her dancing in a revealing shirt that looks like its been recorded from her insta story and then screenstotted on a clear picture of her ar*e.

I dont think theres anything going on between them and I 100% believe that.

I cant bring it up as he will turn it on me like I shouldn't be looking and maybe I shouldn't have but regardless I've seen them and now feel pretty shit about myself.

Am I just over thinking everything, is this just normal?

I wouldn't be happy. It's not just one picture but loads over different time. A bit stalky and very disrespectful to you.

Of course it's not normal for your H to be perving on your best friend OP.
He took vows to you. You are the mother of his children.
Quite honestly you should bring it up with him. You didn't go looking for these photos. You found them by accident. And if he tries to turn the situation into blaming you for finding them then he is only deflecting from his own unacceptable behaviour.
You need to talk about this. And talk about monogamous relationships that shouldn't involve him perving on other women.

Oh this is so gross, he’s spent lots of time on this too. Tell him you found them and it’s not acceptable. But tbh he sounds like the kind of man who would definitely do this again.

He’s likely using the screenshots for ‘personal pleasure’. I’d find it hard to not say anything. (a) you’re his wife, mother of his children and a hundred other roles… you’re not a decoration or sex object so f’him if he doesn’t appreciate that - you don’t need to feel sh*t but he needs to grow up (b) really creepy he’d do that. Yuk 🤢

Your husband has feelings for your best friend and has a lot of images of her going back years that he probably uses for masturbation.

I think you need couples counseling ASAP. You're going to have to go deep in therapy and see where you stand. Are you his second choice? How long has he been attracted to her? And so on. This is a huge deal in your marriage and needs to be dealt with as such. It matters and you deserve truthful answers, although be prepared not to get them.

You also should let your friend know your husband is creeping on her pics big time. She might not want to be around him and to block him on her SM. He sounds creepy as fuck.

You absolutely should kick him out.
Also consider advising your best friend to not post images dancing in revealing tops because of creeps.
Sorry its hurtful but he can't love you

Ouch for and for you BF who he's using for pleasure, without her consent.

He has no respect for either of you. I'm sorry, OP.

Sorry OP but for me that would be game over. Using photos of your best friend for wank fodder is not normal, it's gross. Of course you have to confront him. Give yourself some breathing space to decide exactly how you're going to deal with this and get some support from close family if possible.

I’d try to get a picture of his photo gallery featuring these images just in case he gets wind that you know about the and deletes them.

Disgusting behaviour, not sure I could stay after finding this.

Your H is an idiot, but I don't think it's a case "he has feelings for her".
He finds her attractive - and you know she is. Why on earth he needed to screenshot her Insta - when it's there and available whenever anyone needs to wank - is the bit I think idiotic.

To the people saying - it'd be the end, I'd kick him out... It's always easy to say it when it's someone else's life. OP has little kids and a family life we know nothing about.

OP - how is your relationship with your H overall? You seem to be somewhat down on yourself - and you still have what you call "baby weight", and say you have no time to brush your hair in the morning. Why is that?

You've been together for 10 years and your eldest child is 8. If you have not been down on your looks and made no effort in your relationship (other than being a mother) since your eldest child was born - I am sorry, you need to start.

Collective MN would probably say that that H needs to love and be attracted to his spouse no matter what. She had children, she is the mother, etc. Sure. It's true for a while and to an extent. But OP's youngest child is 4. She can work on her "baby weight" now. And certainly can organise her life to brush her hair.

OP doesn't say anything about their sex life with H. I will guess that is it not the priority, if she doesn't feel good about herself and constantly tired.
Maybe these pics are a wake up call - for both of them. To make more effort and to try to re-connect.

The don't have time to brush my hair was more of a statement of how busy our life is, not that I don't brush my hair. I shower and brush my hair every morning but it's scraped back in a pony tail as physically it's all I have time to do on a morning. We both work full time, I work long shifts a mix of days/nights and weekends. Any days off I'm so bloody tired and busy catching up on everything I have just missed from the days prior to being at work. Our life is busy.

We do still have a sex life so this is what I can't understand, okay maybe not as much as recent years. We still cuddle every night in bed, he's still affectionate. So why the need to have saved these pictures?

So why the need to have saved these pictures?
Sexual kick/thrill. Something to fantasise over. No different to porn. Doubt he wants to be with your bff more likely he is using her images to get off. Not cool and you either call him out or don’t but he’s a father and husband not a teen any more so needs to grow the F up imho.

I’m just sorry for the impact on you, seems to have crushed your self esteem. You are not a decoration. So what if it’s ponytail daily - working mums often in survival mode until collapse at end of day time.

Be great if you could start to get me time to just be you, away from roles of mum, wife etc let him carry the heavy load as he’s obviously got way more time if he’s been perving and cropping pics of your pal.

@MerryTealHare, you are certainly not overthinking your H’s heinous transgression. He has carefully curated a collection of your Best Friend’s photos to use for fantasizing and masturbating.

His perving over your closest Friend is hugely disrespectful to both of you. He will be drooling over her in private and when she is around (so meet up with her elsewhere). He will be thinking of her when at home with you.

I urge you to confront him, @MerryTealHare. You came across the photos quite innocently. It is he who has crossed a taboo line and betrayed you. I honestly don’t believe I could get past this.