Any advice? Nightmare situation

[veryunsure2025]

Hi have changed my username for this but feeling desperate and wondering if anyone has any advice

Such a long story but main details I think -
been together 8 years
have 2 young children one in primary, one a baby
2 years ago found out he had emotional cheated
everything went wrong from there - he said everything in terms of wanting to make it up to me, so sorry etc but he never actually stuck to anything he promised to do to make it up to me
18months ago, he started filming me when we argued, it's been going on 18 months he gaslights me, deliberately winds me up and then when he gets a reaction he films me
he goes out so much, once or twice a month, no warning no apology just disappearing until 5/6/7am even when our son was born 16 months ago
no love or affection ever, no hugs, no care even when pregnant postpartum etc
2 months ago same thing he winds me up films me and I said I've just had enough
2 months later it has just been silent treatment for weeks, doesn't acknowledge emails, texts or face to face
we had mediation but after 2 sessions it broke down they said we can't do anymore
his solicitor has messaged me said he wants 50/50 on a 5522 arrangement or we are going to court
he won't talk about selling the house, won't move out, won't put a date on any of this happening
police came out last weekend but said they can't make him leave the house is coowned
i just feel completely trapped I don't know what to do
i got a solicitor after hearing from his (I thought we were trying mediation) and they said a non moleststion / occupancy order could take 6-12months unless the police are called for a serious incident

sorry that's so long any advice would be gratefully received

I think you need advice from Women's Aid or Citizens Advice. Or perhaps a solicitor ? Someone to talk things over with that will listen to you.

Get your own solicitor

what are your proposals re house and child arrangements?

You need legal help now.

Tell them everything and they’ll know what to do.

Him going for 50/50 custody isn’t shocking or unexpected. They’re his children and you need to separate your relationship as husband and wife to his relationship as a father with his children.

He can be a shitty partner but that doesn’t mean he’s a shitty dad.

@MarxistMags
@millymollymoomoo
@DaisyChain505

All 3 of you have said the OP needs to get legal help, but near the end of the opening post she said she did so.

"I got a solicitor after hearing from his (I thought we were trying mediation) and they said a non moleststion / occupancy order could take 6-12months unless the police are called for a serious incident"

Please call Womens aid for advice and the National Domestic abuse organisation.
You need support.

He wants 5050 custody - it's ridiculous and doesn't have the children's best interest, one is a one year old baby and the other is the biggest mummy's girl who would not cope without me for nights on end. And it's ridiculous to expect them to live between two houses at this age they are so young, I said in mediation we can review every year and I'm sure when they are older everything will change but right now they need to be with their mother.

Tell him the relationship is over firstly.

Hun, you are in an abusive relationship and no professional mediator will take you on because of this.

As PP have said you need your own solicitor.

Good luck, stay strong. His bad behaviour in filming you will not go well for him in court as is a symptom of his abuse - why on earth would he film you otherwise?

Yes so sorry I have told him it is over, I snapped when he was gaslighting me and recorded me in the summer and told him it was over, since then have been trying to ask him to move out, to communicate with me about next steps for selling etc and it's all being ignored

my husabnd has doen the same regarding trying to film me etc. I have severe mental illness from a breakdown from which stress from living with him was a major factor.

he also didnt show affection etc

His favourite hobby is to upset you. You need to learn the grey rock method of dealing with him. You will need to be strong with this.

When he says something to upset you, have a reply ready to go. It needs to be very short and noncommittal. “Noted” is a good word. It’s just two syllables. If he says “I will have the kids 50/50”, you say “noted” and nothing else. Oh, and him shouting something at you doesn’t make it true.

Prepare for him to say more horrible things. If you don’t get upset, he will have to work harder at his hobby and may even throw a tantrum. Grey rock.

And ring Women’s Aid or the domestic abuse phone line. You need their help.

Tell him you’re now separated and the 50/50 care has started. Week on week off, in his week everything is on him - see if it lasts a day.

What’s your financial situation? If you tell dwp you’re separated but still living together you might be able to claim UC if you’re low or no income, that might help. Are you married, assets etc? Tbh the finances are the main issues in separation the rest is just noise block it out - grey rock as mentioned. No more reacting - eyes on the prize - this shitbag out of your life - peace and happiness again. You will get there.

Practical steps. You can get a lot of good advice here but you need to share your financial situation.

Don't worry about the custody issue abusive men always use that as a stick to scare you and because the idea of paying anything horrifies them. What the idiots don’t realise is that child support is a pathetic amount unless they are v high earners. Actually paying for their children especially childcare is much much more expensive. Once that realisation dawns, your kids won’t see him for dust. If that’s not the case and he does want to be their father that is actually good, but unlikely.