Just had to put this out there somewhere

[Flyg]

Today I feel absolutely crushed under the weight of my absolute loneliness and the memories of humiliating rejections which have defined my life. I don’t normally feel this bad at all, but since 3am I’ve been awake feeling awful. The pain feels physical. I do understand that I’m probably happier on the whole being single, and being coupled up has never suited me, but today for some reason I just keep thinking about the fact I don’t think anyone’s ever loved me, and I feel as though very few people would care if they never saw me again. The exception being my family, including my children. I hope this lifts soon, I hope writing it out helps.

Sorry to hear this. Have you looked into limerance?
Someone mentioned it on another thread.
I you tubed it and its totally opened up my eyes.
It isn't that im unloveable in relationships, its that ive gone into them in intense bizarre obsessive ways, ive then overlooked red flags and ended up in bad relationships. Also probably scaring off decent people.
It could be this.
At which point get help and your time will come x

I'm so sorry you are.feeling so low OP.
I think only people who have exerienced extreme loneliness understand how it is a physical and mental experience that consumes you.
You need to cling on to the positives: that you have your children and your family. Things will get better for you.

No advice, just a huge hug 💐 xxx

Sending hugs and hoping you start to get your spark back soon. Maybe concentrate on spending time with your family and children. I’m sure they love you very much xx

I had my eyes opened by 'limerance ' too. Unfortunately I was bought up (well meaning , I'll add ) to believe 'love' was this obsessive 'cant eat, can't sleep' all consuming internal fire. That's how you knew they were "the one". It set me up for big,big failures and also made me look like a bunny boiler a few times in my teenage years.

I learnt (too late not to have humiliated myself unfortunately) that 'love' isn't that at all. Those feelings are initial desire and it's intoxicating. But you can't base a future on that stuff. It fades and is temporary. Love is something much more solid, stable and predictable.

To feel 'loved' isn't too have someone knocking at your window at 2am with a single rose (red flag behaviour 🤭) it's much more subtle. I bet the OP has been loved

I've never been made to feel that "movie star" loved by a man. I don't think many people probably have. I have been quietly stuck by in my darkest hours though. That's love.

Ps op, I understand loneliness. I've felt lonely most of my adult life on and off. (DH isost certainly high functioning autism ) It brings a unique kind of loneliness with it.

I avoid throwing myself too heavily into friendships as internally I'm 'needy' and kind of starved of connection and I'm frightened I'll let my guard down and end up investing too heavily and getting too deep and wanton. So I preserve myself and don't get too close. Years ago, it was a slightly different world. Nowadays, everyone has "boundaries" and are rather self obsessed and self absorbed and people as adults just don't want "deep connection" (I'm a hypocrite, because that's myself included: I can't deal with my own shit on a bad day let alone be someone's constant go-to !) we're all so busy.

What I have learnt along the way is , "this is the way it is " I can either wallow and wish my children had the big family I had as a child (died off or disconnected now ) or accept things look different and get on with it. It is so much harder doing everything solo without a big support network (I look on in sadness when I see big close families and women with girl gangs and sisters, meeting up with the kids ) but there we have it, it is harder. But that's life I guess. Doesn't help that the small amount of In laws are all passive aggressive, narcissist horrors who wouldn't socialise if someone paid them (but that's a whole other thread ) !.

I'm just musing really. I think I've said enough 😄

I do understand how you feel though. Solidarity to you.

Let me tell you something. You're here. You're allowed to be here, on this earth and you have a right to happiness just as much as the next person. I hope these down feelings pass soon and you have a brilliant week doing things that bring you joy. Keep smiling and chin up. I wish you a happy and content life from here on xx

You did good sharing. Are you feeling a bit better now? Anything you’ve done or can do to help lift the heaviness a bit?

I have a friend who feels like this and it's heart wrenching to see.

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling this way too.

Are there any support groups local to you? I got my friend in touch with a group called the man cave that really helped. There are lots out there and the support network that comes with them is amazing.