How to catch a cheating partner

[NotSureWhereToGoForHelp]

I suspect my DH has been cheating with a colleague for the last few years. I’ve called him out multiple times and he’s always had a ‘answer’ for whatever ‘evidence’ I’ve thrown at him. It’s a million small things, that, individually, could be easily dismissed, but it all feels like it’s just piling up.

Does anyone have any practical advice for catching a cheating partner? I have no access to his phone or computer (he always claims they have to be extra secure because they are for work). He’s much more tech savvy than me, so I’m not really sure what I can do. Are trackers a realistic option or can they been traced? I did know where the woman lived, but I’m starting to suspect she may have moved recently.

Any advice would be great. I’m not in a position to leave, so please don’t just jump on that bandwagon.

I left an old phone in the car (with a PAYG sim) with share location enabled. Plausible deniability that I'd given it to one of the kids and they'd dropped it.

Once I knew he wasn't where he said he was I just kept my eyes open - eg. on shared images on the family photoshare or when taking his shopping out of the car.

By the time I had incontrovertible evidence I was more than prepared to end it with him!

Oh my love, so many of us have been in your shoes. Like you I only ever found circumstantial evidence that he easily explained away (being the accomplished bullshitter that he was). I became quite obsessive about it. He constantly lied and gaslighted me and I genuinely thought that I was going insane. I think I believed that it was only through finding indisputable evidence that I could be proven right and prove that I wasn’t losing my marbles.

Ironically I never did ‘find’ the truth. One of his OW sent it to me. My initial overwhelming feeling was relief. And then I suddenly realised that I’d never needed proof. I was right all along. I’d wasted four years, and I should have just kicked him out at the start of my suspicions. I felt really angry with myself for not trusting my gut instincts.

Please don’t make the same mistakes as I did.

What will you do with the proof, once you have it?

Irrelevant that a tracker is illegal (I didn’t suggest one anyway).

Irrelevant that you know a marriage is doomed.

Truth matters. End of.

Gaslighting, lying, mental health, confidence, validation - knowing the truth is important to your wellbeing whether you take physical action with the information or not.
second the recording idea, you need it for yourself

If your gut says you think he is cheating, chances are that he is.

But what will you do with that information if you have no plans to seperate?

Is there a Reason you can't split up

Why not just walk straight into his workplace and ask her?

Or, start visiting him at work with excuses like you've cooked him a lunch etc... be obviously all over him, be sickeningly lovey dovey. He's probably told her you two don't sleep together anymore. Ruin his fun.

Love that idea

Absolute Rubbish, she get evidence. Hard evidence to use in courts and to use when he tries to turn it round round to her breaking the family up when kids are involved in these situations, and when he claims to wider
Family it wasn’t him. Evidence is absolutely crucial.

Courts aren’t interested in whether he cheated. Being a good wife counts for nothing in the eyes of the law.

You say you can't leave and being as he is carrying on even though he seems to know you suspect, he won't stop cheating, even if you do 'prove' this affair. Some men only cheat once and are consumed with guilt when their partners find out. Your man does not appear to be one of those. He is one of the other men who are serial cheaters. Cheating is immensely enjoyable, and when you have crossed the boundary, why stop?

You either leave or you make your peace with him cheating and develop a rich, independent life of your own whilst staying married.

He may of course decide to leave you one day. If you have kids he may be waiting till your use as child care and domestic has run its course. So I would seriously think about how to future proof yourself in case you do get divorced.

I’m not in a position to leave, so please don’t just jump on that bandwagon.

can you move into the spare room if you have one? Separate yourself from him and start planning your next move.

don't waste time trying to catch him, you've tried to get him to own up, but that hasn't worked, so quietly give him a clear message by just moving your stuff out of your shared space and make your own nest. Don't seek him permission or approval.

I would take a different approach. If you can’t leave then you just quietly emotionally separate from your partner and build your own independent life, pursuing new hobbies, work opportunities, new friendships and maybe even a relationship of your own. Stop chasing him and get on with your own life.

This is what I'm doing. I also want proof for my own sanity and so he can't paint me as the unreasonable one when I'm ready to leave. For now I'm getting my ducks in a row, building a life outside of the marriage, pursuing interests, and making new friends. He will never be the most important thing in my life (after the children) again. As for another relationship however, no thanks!

Of course they are, lawyers are, it’s the reason for the divorce in the first place which if it’s messy always ends up in court. It also gets mentioned in divorce documents. Without solid proof it gets contested as the reason to save the cheaters face, man or woman. It is an essential part of divorce court to have proof.

This is brilliant advice @NotSureWhereToGoForHelp .

This! I tracked my cheating DH and it put an end to months of gaslighting, and he moved out. Of course the OP needs to know what’s going on in her marriage.

I don't understand. You want to stay in blissful ignorance, so why try to find out?

Also this!

Why, though? Genuinely, if she's not going to leave, why does she need proof?

Because truth matters.

You don't trust him any more, whatever he says, you can't move out, so you need to upskill yourself till you can leave. Can you retrain and get to where you need to be, to leave. It sounds really tough on you.