Struggling with new relationships after 6 years out of a 20+ year one

[GlitteryRainbow]

I’ve been separated from my husband of 10 years for 6 years now. We were together for 11 years before that. Dating has changed so much.

As I have kids I’ve tried a dating site for single parents to avoid the whole when to tell them I have kids.

First guy we get on great but he lives three hours away so we decide to do the FWB thing. We meet once no benefits. He keeps stringing me along.

Next guy, we message a bit, I have to drag every piece of information about him out of him. After 9 months I still know barely anything about him. We have the odd video call. We were going to meet once but he was going to send his daughter home early to see me and I said that wasn’t fair on her. When I suggested meeting after that he was always busy. At some point I mentioned messaging another guy and he goes ballistic. Apparently he thought we were in a relationship. I’m not sure how I was supposed to know as we barely messaged, I’d always message first, we’d never met and he didn’t seem interested. Apparently I should have known because we video called. He lives over 3 hours away.

Next guy lives closer we get on well. I visit regularly but he sleeps most of the time I’m there. He just doesn’t have much time for me. Every evening he plays a computer game but it’s the way he interacts with his friends and family so I feel bad taking that away. Then it turns weird he’s a cuck. We break up for a bit but get back together as I enjoy the escape of visiting him.

Then I meet someone in my city. We message for a week get on amazingly well, have a similar outlook on life it was like wow. We meet up and go for a walk. We talk and talk and it’s great. Two days later he comes to visit me and it’s amazing. I’m going through some tough times and he’s been very supportive. He split with his ex 6 months ago and he’s trying to find a place of his own. Whilst he still lives with his son he wants to prioritise seeing him. Which I totally get and don’t have a problem with. He also has an adult child who he sees regularly too. The trouble is I thought he’d be prioritising his son. It’s been 5 weeks and I’ve not seen him again. We don’t even call only message. He has a day off during the week and I thought we were going to meet in my lunchtime. I really want to see him but he doesn’t have time. I wonder if he’s just decided we’ll meet up once he has his own place.

why does dating seem so complicated now? Communication seems to be at the route of most issues. Should I be honest with the current guy and say I’m not happy just messaging I need something more. Even if it’s just meeting in my lunchtime break every couple of weeks? Or should I wait and see what happens when he gets his own place? Or should I just cut my losses and give up on dating altogether? It seems like a mine field.

Any advice gratefully received.

Last guy is stringing you a line. He’s not as available as he’s made you think, sorry. My advice would be try a different dating site. The ones for single parents unfortunately can attract the wrong people. Some men seem to think single parent mothers are a bit desperate so go looking for them for that. Good men do not care if you are a single mother or not if they just like you. The topic of kids comes up fairly naturally so not a big issue. Most people expect kids as a potential after a certain age anyway.

I think you need to try more mainstream dating apps. After a certain age most people will have kids anyway.

Also agree with using a different site. I met my husband on tinder. At your age it's perfectly reasonable that you'll have kids so it's not going to be a surprise. And set a distance limit of half an hour travel (however far that is) or it will always be a non starter.

If I were you I would work out your minimum expectations, and absolutely stick to them like glue.

Realistically, what is the smallest amount of texts, calls and dates per week/month that you can have and still be happy.

Also sex - do you want it to be a part of a relationship. If so how frequently (as a minimum), what are your boundaries and expectations around it.

And the minimum amount of commitment you need to be happy - do you need exclusivity? Do you need to meet family and friends? For them to be open to marriage, etc etc.

Then, every relationship or connection you go into, if they are not meeting this bare minimum you need to be happy, they are not capable of making you happy. Ergo, you need to move on.

(And while I am not saying present then with a list of expectations on the first date, I do think as women, we are often not used to being clear about our wants and needs as it seems just that - "needy" - but actually it's perfectly reasonable to say, this level of contact doesn't work for me, to be comfortable in a relationship I need at least daily texts and I would like a call at least once a week. Or whatever it is..... )