What to think..

[DippyBunny]

First time poster, im not sure what im expecting from this but i need a hand hold.
I think my DH wants to leave me. I am convinced he only stays with me for the sake of the children (6&10). We butt heads on everything. I find him unbareable at times, he will fall out with me over really silly things and ignore me for days or weeks. I absolutely am beside myself when this happens it currently is happening and I can’t sleep. He has got in one of the childrens beds and blocked me on everything. I can’t sleep and feel like i could throw up from the anxiety of what is going to happen. I do love him and i do believe marriages have ups and downs that you should work through and not give up but its really hard and im struggling with my MH because of it. I dont want to leave or him to leave me I know that sounds pathetic but i just want a nice peaceful life for us all to enjoy. Please tell me it can get better!

Would he agree to counselling? It sounds like you lack communication skills as a couple and it might really help.

He is very black and white and very stubborn. He won’t even communicate with me let alone get him to agree to counselling. I do agree though we lack communication skills we are both very defensive. Alot of his behaviour is learnt behaviour from his father which he refuses to see.

Has he got depression? Has he always been like this? Suggest counselling and in the meantime get all your ducks in a row.

Ignoring you for days and weeks is abusive behaviour OP. It sounds as though he is deliberately falling out with you and punishing you by not acknowledging you. It is affecting your mental health and he is enjoying having this control over you.
I know you don't want to end your marriage but honestly this situation is not good for you and definitely not good for your children seeing their father treat their mother with such cruelty.
You really should be seeking advice and exploring how you can leave this marriage .

What’s his father like?. An abuser too?.

He is supposedly staying for the sake of the children, well whose sake is he staying for because it’s not theirs. More likely his own.

What do you think your kids are learning about relationships here?.

The silent treatment he gives you is emotional abuse and therefore your marriage to him
is over. Teach your kids too the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control.

Do not embark on any form of joint counselling with your abuser. It’s not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship . I think you would thrive in your own without him in your day to day life. Look into getting legal advise re divorce because knowledge here is power.

Last year I walked away from a relationship where I was often ignored for periods of time, blocked etc. It wasn't the only bad thing he ever did but it's one of the worst.

Taking away your right to voice your feelings is disgusting, it's a form of annihilation I feel. It is treating someone as less than human.

Honestly, I am so sorry but unless this man will agree to change (and it sounds very unlikely he will) I think you ought to walk away for your own well being.

But I know you love him and so it's really hard.
You have my sincere sympathy.

Your children will be seeing this and feeling the tension.

Agree with PP - he’s abusive. Refusing to speak to you is abuse. This is not the normal ups and downs of marriage. If your husband engages in behaviour which makes you feel desperate and reduces you to tears, that is abuse. This is just horrible. I hate cruelty and this is very cruel.

At the moment he sees you flailing and desperate and thinks he holds all the cards. You need to take your power back. You do that by cultivating indifference to his behaviour. Stop trying to placate him. Stop caring about his behaviour. If someone repeatedly stomps on your heart, you have a duty to yourself to take your heart back.

This will probably ultimately end your marriage but that’s okay because having a father who abuses their mother is very damaging for children. I don’t care about him but it is also damaging for him to live a life where he gets away with treating his wife do cruelly.

Hi OP, I left my husband last year. The usual silent treatment ( always after an argument, mostly started by him) escalated to full blown tantrums. I didn't even have to do anything for him to blow up in the end. Just like you said, he repeated his father's behaviour unfortunately.

I completely understand the desire to "hang on" and hope that things will get better. But when someone repeatedly does things like this it's not a mistake, it's a pattern deeply ingrained into him. And it's not up to you to fix it.

I would suggest you really take some time to work out what is best for you. Don't make a rash decision - perhaps it is fixable, if he's willing to work on himself, but as PPs have pointed out that behaviour is emotional abuse and should not be tolerated. FWIW I'm alone with our dc now and do not miss the anxiety you described one bit. I hope you do what is best for you

Think he may have checked out…. Sorry doesn’t sound like he wants to be there anymore. If he starts with the whole depression thing I would be thinking he has someone on the side.

Ah OP very sorry to read this story , hope you’re feeling a bit better from when you wrote this …
Ignoring you for days & weeks is awful behaviour 😔.. Blocking you off of everything, this isn’t how your husband should be treating you ..
He’s not a kind man , there’s a coldness to him , otherwise he wouldn’t do what he does , no one with a kind heart could close their eyes at night for days & weeks knowing how they’re treating their wife , well that’s what I think anyway…
Your mental health will end up in tatters over him ..I know you don’t want to end your marriage but things are very bad OP ..
Don’t want to guilt trip you over the kids , you’ve enough going on , but it’s not good for them x

I don't know what to advise but I would second what others have said here and point out that stonewalling you for days is not a normal or acceptable behavior. It is abusive behavior. He might just have never grown out of this and never given it much thought (most generous interpretation) but at the end of the day, there' sa reason you're feeling so bad from it. You're not crazy. Anyone would be anxious being treated like this. I'm hoping only knowing that might make you feel a bit better about yourself.

I say I don't know what to advise because I have not been in the situation of being married and having such commitments as children with someone, which makes walking away, or even threatening to walk away, much more consequential. But I can definitely say that this is behavior that I will tolerate from someone once (and not a week. More like a day). Then I will mention that the next time it happens is the end of the relationship. That is the single warning shot I give on something like that because I want to rule out the possibility of discarding someone maybe out of a misalignment on how we perceive the significance of such behavior. Point is, that's how seriously messed up this behavior is. And your children shouldn't be learning that this is normal.