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Original poster

ADVICE NEEDED - Ex doesnt want to tell our child about his baby

13 replies

GoldenTiger · 27/09/2025 23:32

Hi all, I'll try to keep this long story short.

I separated from my ex partner who then began dating my best friend for a short while and they are now pregnant with his child. My ex wants nothing to do with this child, so has decided he isnt having any involvement, he no longer talks to my friend who is due to give birth soon.

My ex had said he is not telling our child about their half-sibling and that I have no right to tell them either - our child is 8, he plans on them never finding out. However, I have numerous other close friends who know about the baby and their children know about the baby and the pregnant friend lives a very short drive away. I'm fearful for our child's mental health should they find out through someone else or through another child talking about it to them, as I feel this is likely. I have said to my ex that they need to tell them due to my concerns of someone else telling them and the betrayal they might feel because of it. It's breaking my heart for our child because I feel they should know, I don't want them to feel I've hidden something from them but their dad won't allow me to. He has been emotionally aggressive and physical aggressive in the past, no physical harm to me or our child but has hit things in our home, which is why I left the relationship which makes me worried about telling our child when he's saying no.

Please can someone offer some insight or advice, any thoughts or opinions would be much appreciated.

OP posts:

MeTooOverHere · 28/09/2025 00:00

I'd be telling your child. Father gets no say in it. What do you mean by he "won't allow me to.". He can't actually stop you.

Have you had the locks changed? So he can't get back in.

Does he see your child? Where do you do change-over?

outerspacepotato · 28/09/2025 00:02

Your son needs to be told. If his dad won't do it, you need to.

His dad is an idiot. Of course he'll find out. With living close and how prevalent DNA testing and finding unknown relatives has become, there's no way he won't find out.

If this is kept from him and he finds out later in life, which he will, it will kill his trust in you.

Your ex has no control over your sharing information as bout a sibling with your son. If he gets violent and destructive, call the cops.

StewkeyBlue · 28/09/2025 00:07

Obviously your ex is very wrong here.

Are you still friends with your friend?

You need to tell your child. And discuss this with your friend. She needs to think about it and how to handle it because her child will wonder why the Dad sees your Dc but not him or her.

I would just be matter of fact and low key telling your Dc, and not do a big ‘baby sibling’ song and dance.

Original poster

GoldenTiger · 28/09/2025 00:08

MeTooOverHere · 28/09/2025 00:00

I'd be telling your child. Father gets no say in it. What do you mean by he "won't allow me to.". He can't actually stop you.

Have you had the locks changed? So he can't get back in.

Does he see your child? Where do you do change-over?

He's subtly threatened saying he will 'deal with' anyone who tells our child. He has weekly contact, picking them up from school Friday and dropping them off at home on Saturday.

OP posts:

Original poster

GoldenTiger · 28/09/2025 00:12

StewkeyBlue · 28/09/2025 00:07

Obviously your ex is very wrong here.

Are you still friends with your friend?

You need to tell your child. And discuss this with your friend. She needs to think about it and how to handle it because her child will wonder why the Dad sees your Dc but not him or her.

I would just be matter of fact and low key telling your Dc, and not do a big ‘baby sibling’ song and dance.

I'm still in contact with them, they went through what I went through with him so I've been trying support them as much as I can, as odd as it feels sometimes. The baby and our child is innocent in all of this and didn't ask to be put in these situations.

Friend is happy for my child to know about their half-sibling but is unsure about contact, like you say, how can you explain one child sees their dad but the other doesn't.

Ideally, their dad should tell them, but he won't and never will.

OP posts:

StewkeyBlue · 28/09/2025 00:13

Just tell him there are any number of people who know and might well talk about it so it’s best your Dc hears it from you.

And if starts on about ‘dealing with anyone’ just say ‘I hope you are not threatening me’ very calmly.

Original poster

GoldenTiger · 28/09/2025 00:14

outerspacepotato · 28/09/2025 00:02

Your son needs to be told. If his dad won't do it, you need to.

His dad is an idiot. Of course he'll find out. With living close and how prevalent DNA testing and finding unknown relatives has become, there's no way he won't find out.

If this is kept from him and he finds out later in life, which he will, it will kill his trust in you.

Your ex has no control over your sharing information as bout a sibling with your son. If he gets violent and destructive, call the cops.

Thank you. This just clarifies everything I've been thinking, I'd never lie to my child and right now I feel like I'm betraying them and it's heartbreaking. I can't bare them feeling that way if they found out in the future and I hid it from them just because their dad said no.

OP posts:

Original poster

GoldenTiger · 28/09/2025 00:17

StewkeyBlue · 28/09/2025 00:13

Just tell him there are any number of people who know and might well talk about it so it’s best your Dc hears it from you.

And if starts on about ‘dealing with anyone’ just say ‘I hope you are not threatening me’ very calmly.

This is the exact conversation I tried to have but I got no where. I was just told anyone who tells them will be dealt with.

He seems to believe he can control everyone else around him and make them not talk about it.

OP posts:

Stichintime · 28/09/2025 00:17

Tell your child. They will find out, and feel awful for being lied to. What if they meet socially when older and become friends, or god forbid start a relationship? I dont think that's out of the realms of possibilities, particularly as you live quite close by.

MeTooOverHere · 28/09/2025 00:24

Talk to the police and se what they advise re his threatening comments. He is basically saying he could go beat up anyone at any time. They might need to have a chat to him about his general attitude to people.

Dearodearo · 28/09/2025 00:37

GoldenTiger · 28/09/2025 00:12

Friend is happy for my child to know about their half-sibling but is unsure about contact, like you say, how can you explain one child sees their dad but the other doesn't.

Ideally, their dad should tell them, but he won't and never will.

Show quote history

I can see why she feels unsure about contact because of dad only seeing one child..... but when her son grows up I think he would be glad he grew up knowing his brother regardless of how involved his dad has been.

The dad is a shitty person

CutiePieOk · 28/09/2025 00:57

I would tell him.

caringcarer · 28/09/2025 01:29

What a bastard he is. He fucks around getting your friend pregnant and abandons her. Hides his shitty behaviour from your DC and if you go along with not telling the DC the truth the DC will grow up not trusting you. If exh won't tell DC you tell them. Your exh can't stop you. Don't let him continue to control you. I hope your friend is making him pay for her baby.

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